The Race Director's Daughter (Sebastian Vettel)

43. I Want It All

A/N: any dialogue between Seb and his parents would obviously be in German but I'm not going to bother translating it.  The song that's mentioned in the chapter is at the top. It's called I Want It All and it's by The Script.

"I'm fine. Stop worrying," Leah told Joel over FaceTime two weeks later.  "Enjoy yourself.  Stop worrying about me. I have Netflix. I have chocolate.  And I'm seeing Tamara and Jenna tomorrow."

Leah was lying. She was far from fine. She hadn't got dressed for nearly two weeks, she was living in her pyjamas.  She was surviving on Pot Noodles and chocolate,  but she didn't tell Joel that. She didn't want him to worry. He was with her dad, his mum, Luca and Jamie  on their yearly summer holiday to Majorca. 

Leah had refused to go.  Her dad still wasn't speaking to her and she didn't feel like going on holiday and having to pretend that everything was ok when it was anything but.

When was it going to get better? When was she going to stop seeing him every time she closed her eyes? She couldn't escape him even in her dreams.

All she could see was him kissing Bella. All she could hear was him telling her that he'd have said anything to get her into bed.

He'd been lying. She knew he'd loved her once, even if he didn't any more. There was no way he'd faked everything just to get her into bed. If all he'd wanted was sex there were plenty of women that would have obliged.

She'd known after seeing him kiss Bella that she had to get away. She couldn't stay working in Formula 1 and see him all the time, especially if he and Bella became a thing. She couldn't bear the thought of Bella getting her claws into him. He deserved so much better than her.

She realised that Joel was still chatting away. She'd totally zoned out.

"Joel. I'm going to have to go. I really need a wee. You have fun. And stop calling all the time! I'm ok!"

"If you're sure!  We'll be home the day after tomorrow anyway."

"I'll see you then. Love you!"  She hung up.  Joel meant well, but he was suffocating her. 

Phone still in hand, she began scrolling through her photos. Seb and her in Monaco. Seb and her in St Tropez. Seb shirtless laid on a sun lounger. Seb smiling at her over their ice creams.

She selected them all. Her thumb hovered over the delete icon. She couldn't do it. Maybe one day, but not yet.

She sighed and dropped her phone onto the sofa next to her. She supposed she ought to get on with looking for a job, especially if she wanted to find her own place. She couldn't stay here with things as they were between her and her dad.

She felt her eyes filling with tears again. She laughed bitterly as she thought of the saying "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". What a load of bollucks.  She wished she'd never loved him.  Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so fucking much. 

She looked at her phone and wondered if he'd tried to call her again.  She'd blocked his number after he'd tried to call her that night.  She didn't want to hear what he had to say. She'd got the message loud and clear. They were over. 

She curled up in a ball and let the tears flow freely.  Maybe one day she'd get over him, but today was not that day.  Today she'd keep pining away for the man she'd loved and lost. 

                          ***

Seb pressed play again and the same song blasted out for what seemed like the hundredth time. His parents were probably getting sick of it but he needed it.  It reminded him of her.