IRIS | MARK SLOAN

sinking feeling (5.)

It had been a week since Meredith had spilled her somewhat life altering news and Derek was still not in the know. I had direct access to the ultrasound machine so I checked her out as soon as Callie discharged for my incident after Rosa. I shouldn't have even been at the hospital, so we stayed quiet. Technically, I was still off of work due to personal leave, and attending therapy because the Chief believed that my work was being affected by my personal life and past, which I needed counselling for before returning to work.

"Everything looks good Meredith. You are 10 weeks along so far. Baby is making some small movements but nothing major, I see no concerns over size here." I said, wiping the gel off of her slowly growing belly.

"That's good."

"It's around the time in your pregnancy when you are eligible for screening that shows us whether the baby has Down's syndrome, Edward's syndrome, or Patau's syndrome. I also have to advised you to get up to date flu and whooping cough vaccines to protect you and the baby since you at a further risk of getting sick while pregnant. Also, I'd advised a heathy dose of talking to your boyfriend about this."

She kept silent.
"It's not that simple. I will get the vaccines and I would also like the screening, but I'm afraid I can't give you the latter right now." She sat up off the bed.

I grabbed her hand.
"Mer, it is that simple. You tell Derek and you decide together what you are going to do. If you are going to keep it, or if you are going to exercise your legal right to choose. All you need to do is tell him. I think he'd much rather find out from me than somehow from somewhere else. You know how fast gossip in this hospital spreads." I advised her, thinking back on how fast the news of my little psychiatric slip up had spread around the hospital, and the overwhelmingly pitying faces I'd gotten from everyone after spending a week on ward.

"I will tell him. I will tell him now, and see how it goes. You need to go though, you have a therapy appointment in half an hour." She reminded me.

"Shoot, yeah." I grabbed my bag and I wheeled the ultrasound machine back into the corner.

"Text me and let me know." I demanded as I swung open the door and quickly ran out, attempting to dodge all of my coworkers.

-

I arrived at Dr Sheridan's office and sat down in her overwhelmingly white waiting room. I know it's supposed to seem clean and sterile, but it just seems freaky. We all know that when someone has experienced trauma, their mind is changed and the way they think about things is altered. Surely, if we are trying to improve recovery rates and prevent more and more psychological episodes, we should paint the walls with colours so people have something more to focus on. White is such an easy colour, a colour that you can just dissociate into, right into the void. Let your brain drift.

"Eleanor. You can come in."

Brain drift perpetually ruined.

I followed her into her slightly more colourful office and sat on the maroon shaded couch. She sat behind her desk and grabbed her notes from our last meetings. It was turning into folders now as she'd received all of my notes from my therapist back home, and we had basically started over.

"So I was reading through your notes, and I see here that you dealt with a lot of childhood trauma. I think we should dive into that today, I believe it will help us better in our diagnoses and treatment further on."

"I had an alcoholic for a dad, and my mom left. I raised four younger siblings on my own and didn't leave until they were all at-least teenagers. Two of us became surgeons, one became a lawyer, one is a stay at home mom, and the other is a wedding planner. I have contact with them all but I left at 17 after an incident with my father."

"And what was that incident?"

My stomach dropped.

"I'm not ready to speak about that just yet."

"That's alright, let's move on to the next pag-"

My phone buzzed repeatedly, and I quickly picked up the call, even though Dr Sheridan told me I wasn't aloud to use my phone in this space.

"Mark, what's wrong?"

"There's been a major trauma. Ferry boat crash, hundreds injured. Chief has given you temporary privileges to come and help in PEDS."

"I'll be right there." I said, putting the phone down quickly and grabbing my stuff.

"Where are you going?" She said, getting up out of her seat and trying to block my path.

"There's a major trauma."

"You are banned from work right now."

"Temporary privilege due to the backflow of cases. I need to go Donna, think about the children." I added at the end, pulling the most convincing puppy eyes I could do she'd let me go and help.

"Fine! Go and help, but we are rescheduling this meeting. We have more to d-"

I was out of the door before she could finish.

—

"What do we have?" I asked, rushing into the ER foyer and running over to Mark.

"Dr Karev, the intern found her. She's got third degree burns, and her face is almost unrecognisable. She's in her third trimester. ID said her name might be May but we can't tell." He replied, pulling back the curtain to one of the trauma bays. The woman looked swollen and unidentifiable. Her pregnant belly was on display, wrapped in layers of wet gauze, to keep the skin protected.

"We need to get her to the OR soon, or she's going to die from internal injuries if I can't get inside and under these burns. They need grafting, and with them so bad it must be under anaesthetic." He told me, preparing to move her bed and unlocking the wheels. I couldn't find myself able to reply.

"Dr Grey, let's go. She needs surgery." Karev shouted, standing in front of me.

"I can't do this. Page Dr Slade, I can't be trusted around pregnant people. She deserves the best."

"You are the best." Mark reassured.

"Page Dr Slade." I responded and promptly ran off to find somewhere to fall apart in private. After Rosa, it was too soon to treat someone in her position. Not a normal birth, a birth putting both mother and baby at risk. I couldn't do it. Not now, not for a while.

Maybe I never should have left that therapy session.