IRIS | MARK SLOAN

head above water (6.)

I sat in the supply closet, drenched in my own tears and sweat. Seeing that lady, that poor innocent lady, was too much. She was having a baby, a small angel and yet she looked like she'd been dragged to hell and back. I couldn't save her. No one could.

Rosa kept appearing in front of me. Her husband's voice rang in my eyes and taunted me. The look of her newborn daughter haunted me. Where was I?

I felt my breathing go shallow, like I was gasping for air. This was a panic attack, I knew how to deal with this. Deep breaths, happy thoughts. Turns out that it is much easier to say that to a patient than it is to do it yourself. I just kept struggling to breathe. 

The feeling was scaring me more than I'll admit so I paged Meredith 911 to the supply closet. She must of known something serious was up because she appeared soon after my text. She slid herself in next to me and gently grabbed my shoulders so I laid my head on her. It was much easier to breathe. It's easier to calm down in the warmth of another. 

"You are alright. I promise, everything is alright. You are safe, I am here, Mark is safe, You are safe."
She whispered to me, as I sobbed in her arms.

We sat in silence for about 10 minutes as I tried to stop crying before Meredith spoke up.

"El, I think you need help."

"I'm in therapy Meredith, I know I needed help, so I got it. I'm fine now, I'm sure of it." I replied, wiping my eyes and fixing my ruined mascara.

"No, you need proper help. Mark, Derek and I were talking, and we think it would do you some good if you stayed in a inpatient ward for a while."

I stared at her silently.
"I'm not crazy Meredith."

"I'm not saying you are. I'm saying you need help. I'm saying you need to finally realise that the help you give to others deserves the same amount of effort as the love you give to yourself."

She grabbed my hand.
"I love you more than life Eleanor, but you need help. More help than your sister and boyfriend can give you on their own. You need help."

"Send me the details, I'll look at it."
I said quietly, getting up and then helping Meredith up. We brushed down our now dusty scrubs from sitting on the floor and stepped out of the door.

Mer's pager immediately went off, she was getting paged to the pit. I followed her since I wanted to help and had no specific case assigned to me.

"Henry Rasen, 7. He consumed a lot of smoke, and has a few second degree burns. I need you to oversee his case." Nurse Tyler said, handing me Henry's clipboard. I wheeled him to an exam room, his mother leading fearfully behind me. I noticed his burns looked different to the ones we normally encounter. Like a rash, and much darker.

"Henry, what is hurting buddy?" I asked him, grabbing the monitor and hooking him up. His oxygen levels weren't great, but the rest of his vitals were good. A nurse helped him slide the oxygen over his face as I placed my stethoscope on him.

"My chest hurts." He whined.

"It's gonna be alright baby." His mom reassured him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it.

"Let's get a CAT scan, and keep him on a high flow of oxygen. I want his stat up to at least a 95%." I told the nurse, taking off my rubber gloves and pressing the foot pedal on the trash, tossing them in.

I have Tyler back the updated chart so he could add to Henry's records and sat down behind a computer so I could some research on Henry's burns.

"Chemical Burns?" I gasped to myself.

"Tyler, where did you say the crash was?"

"On a ferry boat, why?"

"My patient is showing signs of chemical burns. What chemical could he have come in contact with whilst being on a ferry?" I asked him, perplexed.

"An oil spill maybe, chemicals from the explosion?"
Tyler replied, looking over my shoulder at the Harvard article I currently had open on my tab.

Just as I went to get up and take another look at Henry, I felt another body crash into me.

It was Karev.

"Dr Slade needs you. For the baby, she needs you. It's in serious distress and she needs you. You are the best we have." He blurted out, huffing harshly.

"I can't Karev, I said no already."

"Please, this baby needs you."

I looked at Tyler and then took a deep breath. This was my job. I could do this, I could save them.

And with that, I rushed to follow him.