IRIS | MARK SLOAN

redemption (7.)

[ GONNA PRETEND I DEFINITELY DIDN'T FORGET WHICH PATIENT DIED.. OOPS. ]

TW FOR LATER ON: MINOR EMETOPHOBIA

"I need a line of oxygen stat, baby is not getting enough air. She's got a temperature way about homeostasis, run a cold lavage and place under a cool light in the incubator. Whatever we can do to get her temp down."

"What about aspirin ma'am?" The intern in the corner asked. Even though I said to the charge nurse to specifically not let interns in at the moment, not while I was battling enough demons to get over this and actually save this baby, for some dumb reason she'd gone above her authority and done it anyway. I didn't have time to care at the moment, but she was definitely get her ass kicked later.

"Is your PEDS brain switched on? No aspirin to anyone under 16, there's a risky link to Reye's syndrome, which wrecks the nervous system and is debilitating and fatal. Get off my case if you can't learn to speak with real, knowledgeable suggestions!" I shouted at him, as he awkwardly backed away from our corner in the NICU.

I saw some of the other interns waiting near shuffle back instinctively as to not be screamed as well. Except Alex, he stayed as close as was comfortable, making sure he was there if I needed a hand. I knew that I liked him for a reason.

Alex quickly helped me and the nurse set up an oxygen tube, as I arranged a cooling blanket in a NICU registered incubator. We knew we were working on borrowed time and needed to hurry up before the baby continued downhill.

Oxygen tube secured and in place, we laid her down gently in the box and shut the sloped lid, making sure the hole for wires was clean and accessible. A second external oxygen source went in, as well as heart monitoring wires, and a thermometer. She was laying in only her diaper and a hat in order to cool her down, but we still needed to keep an eye on her incase it got too cold and we'd gone too far.

My heart was beating faster than I could cope with, and I had to sit on the nearest stool before I hit the floor. Everything was a blur, like my eyes couldn't completely compute what was happening with my brain. The frames couldn't process fast enough.

She wasn't out of the woods yet. Of course she wasn't. But she was alive. She was alive.

Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong, and yet, we were on a promising path to saving her life. We did that. I did that.

Yet I couldn't enjoy the feeling. Not without the immense guilt of Rosa. Not without her haunting image being in my every glance. Not without seeing her beautiful newborn daughter, no older than the baby in front of me, who was never going to get the chance to grow up with her parents.

I was going to throw up.

"Alex, page me if anything changes. I want you to grab Dr Lowe if she's finished with clinic and tell her to run some tests on the baby. I've written them down for you. Otherwise, just observe her and make sure to contact me. I have to be somewhere.."

As I walked out, I shooed away the nosey interns who'd stood there doing nothing, making sure they were out of sight before I dashed up the stairs to the women's restroom on the next floor.

I barely lifted the lid before I was dry heaving and eventually puking any and everything I'd eaten within the last few days. It hadn't been much, but it was definitely nothing now.

If the puking wasn't enough, all of hormones picked the same moment to collide and leave me simultaneously puking and sobbing my eyes out in the women's restroom of the OR floor.

And, if my day couldn't get worse, someone was coming in now too..

"Grey? El? You in here?"

I didn't think I'd ever been more relieved to hear Callie's voice in my life. She was one of the only people I thought I could face right now, especially since she was not my sister or my boyfriend.

Whatever response I tried to give just turned into a sob, until she had picked the lock of the door and was sat on the floor with me stroking my hair while anxiety overtook me and removed all of my stomach contents. She didn't say a word, she just sat with me until I had stopped crying and the vomiting was coming to a halt. I didn't have much left to give.

"I paged Mark. He's gonna take you home sweetheart. We both agree you need a day off or two. He's waiting outside when we're ready. He got your stuff from your locker so don't worry about it love." She said gently as she slowly braided my hair from behind, making sure to try and remove any vomit in my hair with a pocket comb and toilet paper.

"I can't take time off, I have to work.." I tried to blurt out, overtaken again by a wave of nausea stopping me mid statement. She was quick to hush my uprising, and I didn't have enough energy to be mad, or even to detest against them both.

There was a knock at the door. My mind knew immediately it would be Mark.

He would have got too worried waiting outside for me, and was too impatient to hold out long enough until I could come out and prove I wasn't completely falling apart.

Sure enough, after Callie's welcoming call, Mark slipped through the thick oak door and crouched down a few feet behind Callie, now looking me in the eye and I sat against the toilet trying to catch my breath. The pity in his eyes was astounding.

"Home?" He asked. Nothing more, nothing less. One word, and I still melted like butter. All the cares I had about missing work and career progression faded away and all of sudden I was like a little girl who just wanted someone who could love her and make her feel safe. Something my parents didn't do very much. Something I had gained a unhealthy attachment to. But with Mark, our love was healthy.

Before I could even really nod my head, he had seen Callie finish my braid and then scooped me up like he was rescuing me from a fire. I hadn't even registered for a minute that I had started sobbing again as soon as he held me with such love.

Callie stroked my face and waved goodbye, as he carried me down the stairs towards the staff exit. He placed me down gently as we approached the automatic doors, letting me lean against him for protection and stability. I was still trying to calm myself down, but he was doing wonders by just being there and holding space for me.

The drive home was only twenty minutes, a good drive for a evening with minimal traffic. I remembered some soft music playing in his car before the weight of the world became too much and I succumbed to sleep.