Love Mortality (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part 9: Doubts (Decisions)

He had to be more careful. 

His concentration was off. His mind was wandering and worrying even during his missions, focusing on anything but the successful passing of a soul. If he lost sight of his purpose for even a moment, it could mean losing a soul to demons, and if he let that happen too many times, he'd have to face the Divine Council and possibly no longer have to choose between immortality and mortality. 

He felt more relieved than usual to reach the Afterlife and greet Jonghyun with the new soul. Indeed, he was lucky this time, but luck wouldn't always be on his side. And anyway, he was an angel; he wasn't supposed to need luck to carry out his duties. He was created for this purpose and this purpose only. It was the one thing he had spent his entire existence doing, yet for some reason, it was feeling increasingly difficult to do.

It didn't help that Xiumin seemed to be taking notice more. He'd often find him waiting by the gates when he returned with souls as if he were an Angel of Passing--except the way his mouth formed a frown and the way his arms were crossed over his chest made him look more like a demon. Kai knew Xiumin respected his dedication to his duty, but he was also an angel who strictly followed the boundaries set by the Divine Council, an angel of principle. He wouldn't hesitate to report him to the Council if he felt he was too distracted to fulfill his purpose. Kai wasn't sure if he was ready to give up his angel status for a mortal one yet, but he at least wanted to have the choice.

It had been a few moments since his last calling, so Kai decided it was a better time than ever to rest. However, the moment he laid down and closed his eyes, he felt a presence appear beside him. He kept his eyes shut as he exhaled and then opened them as he turned his head. 

"I'd really prefer if you didn't lecture me right now. This is the first moment of rest I've gotten all day," Kai said, moving his head back to its previous position.

"Rest is a luxury we can rarely afford, Kai," Xiumin said, walking closer and finally uncrossing his arms. 

Kai sighed again. "I'm painfully aware of that."

Xiumin didn't speak for a while, yet the younger angel could feel his gaze on him. "You have been abating your duties lately," he finally said, the words making Kai internally groan. "Others Angels of Death have begun to take notice. You are fortunate none of them have reported you to the Council yet."

Kai opened his eyes and turned his head to the elder angel. "I'm also aware of that."

"If you know then do better," Xiumin said with a certain sharpness in his voice that seemed to cut Kai a little. "You have one job. If you are not capable of doing it well, perhaps you should consider a different path."

The angel sighed and sat up, hunching his back over as he looked down. "I'll do better," he said quietly after a while, shamefully looking at Xiumin. "I'm sorry."

The elder angel visibly exhaled, but Kai didn't recall hearing the sound. "I care for you, Kai, and I know you care deeply about your duties. I have seen it with my own eyes." Kai looked away and dropped his head. Xiumin, recognizing the expression on his face, softened his own expression. "I try not to acknowledge it often, but I do understand how having only one purpose for existing can make you yearn for other experiences--such as love."

Kai noticed how his voice had become softer, causing him to lift his head up again. "Is that what happened to you?" he inquired. Xiumin's expression became slightly surprised, so Kai was expecting to be scolded for asking such a personal question. However, after briefly looking away, Xiumin began to speak.

"Another angel had recently exchanged their angel status for a life of mortality. I was considering it myself, but much like you, I was hesitant. My curiosity was strong, but so was my fear. I didn't believe I had a good enough reason to give everything I knew up." He took a moment to pause, swallowing and quickly sighing before continuing. "Then I fell in love with a human. The feelings I felt for them were so intense that I was sure they wouldn't go away...that two beings who had such an intense attraction to each other couldn't possibly grow apart." The angel's face seemed to harden then, probably because of the bittersweet memories he was recalling. He moved his eyes to Kai, the usual sharp and strict look in his eyes back. "But we did. I was prepared to give up my entire existence for them, but they weren't prepared to do the same for me. It didn't matter that we shared several moments of what I still believe was genuine love, not in the end. I don't regret falling in love, but I do regret every moment I considered trading in a life of purpose and certainty for something as fragile as human love."