Bucket Hat

Lost

-Jungkooks POV~

I can't sleep again. It's been two weeks since she left me. No, since I caused her to leave. Since I let her leave. Since I threw her away. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is her face. Her loving smiles and her broken tears. She haunts me. I want to call her so bad but I'm too much of a coward. I want to tell her how sorry I am and how I will always love her. I understand now how Tae felt after he chose the group over his soulmate. It shatters you. Life isn't fair. I love my hyungs, I'd die for them. We all have worked so hard to be at the level we are today and I couldn't think of just myself when the photos came out. I let my hyungs decide my fate with Ella. But I knew what they'd choose. Just like with Tae. I'm not mad at them for it though. We've worked too hard to throw it all away just for me. But the ache in my chest overcomes me every second of every day. I miss her so much. I miss her smile and laugh. I miss her smell. I miss her walking out of the bathroom in one of my t-shirts. I miss touching her. I miss her kiss. I miss her love. An unconditional love she had for me, and I felt every time she looked at me. But I stomped on that and made her think she meant nothing to me. I hurt her. No, I did far worse than hurt her. I also thought I had to save her from being in danger from fans; I hate myself for hurting her so bad. But I didn't even try to protect her from all the hate she got. No. I saw on tv how badly she was treated when she left the dorm, and when she was at the airport going home. All the screams and awful things people were yelling at her. All the things people threw at her, and some people even went so far as to put their hands on her! And I let it all happen. I should have made sure she had protection until she boarded the plane. But I didn't. Because I'm a coward. I didn't even have enough courage to post telling them to leave her alone. I'll never forgive myself for not protecting her when she needed it most. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her when everything came down because I knew I'd crumble and run to her. I had to let her go. For my hyungs, and ARMY. But I feel dead inside without her and I find myself just going through the motions. My hyungs all see it. They know but none say anything. Except Tae. He's been there so much for me, because he's felt this pain I feel now. He still does. He understands where I am. How broken I am without her. He's truly my best friend.

I know she's reached out to Mingyu and finally to Hobi. But that's it. She told them she's doing ok and she's home. Im glad she got home safe. I watched the news and how horribly she was treated leaving Korea and wanted to scold ARMYs for their behavior to her. But I didn't. Because I'm a coward. But when she landed in Ohio, people left her alone. I saw a lot more support for her, and for us, from international fans. My hyungs all felt so bad for her and they reached out to make sure she was ok. I asked...no, begged Jimin to text her. She never texted back but she saw it. Hobi and Mingyu telling me she's ok has helped some. I know her though. I know she's not ok. I know she loved me and I hurt her in the worst possible way. So I know she's not ok. I'm not ok. Yoongi spoke to Kayla and, although she wants to kill all of us right now, she said she'll be in touch with him eventually. I'm happy for him at least. He gets to keep his girl. Maybe that's what we should have done all along. Just kept it casual. Then none of this would have happened. But neither of us expected to fall in love like we did. And boy did I. I fell hard and fast. I keep the frame beside my bed still so I can see her every night before bed and I talk to her print. I tell her I love her and how sorry I am that I did this to her every night. I wish she could hear me. I kept all the pictures of her on my phone too. I can't bare to delete them. I changed my lock screen because I know how ARMY sees every fine detail. I don't want to take a chance to pull her into the spotlight more.

I know that she hasn't been drug through the mud at home. Kayla told Yoongi hyung no one has threatened her and not many have even asked about us. That's a perk of living in a small town where most don't even know of our group. I'm thankful for that because I was really worried someone would try to hurt her once she was in Ohio. Most of the hate has died out online as well. I haven't done a live since the scandal and I don't plan to for a while. I know the comments will be filled with questions and remarks about her. I'm not ready to see it all again. Their words about her hurt me. They knew nothing about her, yet called her a whore and said she was after me because I'm famous and have money. I know that's totally untrue. She truly loved me. I've pretty much stayed out of the spotlight and kept a low profile. I am thankful for that as well because I'm in no shape to be in the public eye right now. The only pictures that have surfaced of me since the photos of me and Ella are from far away and I have a mask and hat on. No one can see how bad I'm doing. And they've only seen me come and go from the company.