Bucket Hat

I Love You

Waking again, I see bright beams of sunlight shining through my sheer yellow curtains. I roll onto my back and take a few deep breaths. Glancing over at the clock on my night stand I see it's 7:46am. I sit up and still feel the ache all over my body and am reminded of the day before. I deserve this is what I tell myself before climbing out of bed and heading down to the kitchen. Although I don't feel hungry I pad to the refrigerator and grab the orange juice out and pour myself a glass. I walk to my dining room table absentmindedly and stop in front of the table. I look at the items scattered on the table. The laptop Yoongi sent, the briefcase from Jin. And then I see the little black box. I slowly walk over to it, tears already forming, and trace my fingers over the top. Setting my orange juice down, I pick the box up, bringing it in front of my face....and open it. I gaze upon the beautiful, way too big princess cut diamond again and choke on my sobs and drop down on a chair. Sitting it down in front of me carefully, I continue to stare at it while crying for the longest time. Then something inside of me snaps. I feel something different rolling inside me now. Anger. How dare he send me something like this? He knows I have moved on! Is he trying to mess with my head? Is he trying to drive a wedge between me and Jun? So many questions flood my mind, all making me angrier. I quickly stand and search for my phone, finding it on the counter in the kitchen. Bringing it back to the table, I sit....and dial a number without really thinking. The one number I thought I never would dial again, but could never bring myself to delete.

One ring. Two rings. Three rings. "H-hello? Ella?" He speaks. It's a voice I haven't heard in so long that it causes my voice to catch in my throat. "Ella? Are you there? Ella??" I can hear the nervousness and concern in his voice. "Why?" I half whisper into the phone. I'm met with silence. "Why did you do this?" I ask again, trying to swallow the knot in my throat, but failing. I hear him sigh. "Ella." Hearing him say my name sends an ache so deep through my heart I wince. "I'm....I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." This was enough to set my mind reeling again. Seriously?? "Are you serious right now?!! You didn't mean to upset me?!!" My voice starts to grow louder as anger is pulsing through me even more. "Ella." "NO!! Don't say my name! Stop saying my name!" I am now yelling. "How did you think I'd react to what you sent me Jungkook?! Huh?! Did you think it wouldn't bother me?! Did you think I'd open that box and be like, 'wow, what a nice gesture'. Too bad it didn't work out?!' Did you think it wouldn't break me all fucking over again?! Why Jungkook, WHY?!!" I'm panting now with how angry I feel. "Ella-" "STOP SAYING MY FUCKING NAME!!" He sighs and then cautiously speaks. "Ok, I won't say your name. But stop yelling at me for a moment and I will say my part." Standing and pacing now I throw him onto speaker phone. "Do NOT tell me to stop yelling at you! This is the first fucking time I've really spoken to you since you just threw me away like I was nothing, so don't ask me for anything!!" His voice comes through again, very calmly. "Ok.....I'm sorry I sent you the ring. It was stupid of me to do." I scoff and laugh manically. "You think?!" His voice still remains calm. "I'm sorry El-I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly I guess. I bought the ring for you and I couldn't take it back because it belongs to you. That's why I sent it. Because it belongs to you." Running my hands through my hair I grab some and yank. "What?!! What the fuck Jungkook?! Belongs to me?!!" He says nothing. Putting my hands now in front of me I take a couple very deep breaths to try and calm myself down. I try to speak in a calm voice but feel the pain that still lives in my heart coming back to the surface and speak with a trembling voice. "It....it doesn't belong to me. No matter when...or why you bought it...it was never mine." I hear him sigh again. "It IS yours...and I want you to have it. I bought it for you and only you. I don't care what you do with it....throw it away, sell it....but it's yours." I don't know what to say. The tears streak my cheeks without me even realizing. My mind is spinning. Sitting down at the table again I put my phone on the table and lay my head beside it. "What do you want from me?" I croak out sadly, almost in a whisper. He's silent for a moment. "Please don't cry." This only makes me cry worse. Jungkook does nothing but sit on the other end and listen to me cry because of him. "I just want you to be happy Ella. That's all I've ever wanted." "Please stop" I whisper through my tears. "You can't do this to me. I've moved on....I'm happy and you're making my thoughts sway. You're...you're fucking with my head." I hear him sniff. Is he crying? "I'm sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way." I can hear the sadness on his voice and know he's definitely crying as well. "But you are. You're making me question everything." Hearing him sniff again solidifies he's crying. "I don't want to do that El.....I want you to be happy. I even went and spoke with Jun. I wanted him to know I wouldn't be a threat." It hurts to hear him say that and I feel awful for feeling that way. I lean up and stare at the ring again. "You are though. You'll always be a threat. I can't seem to let you go, completely.....I-I don't know how to let you go...." I whisper the last part to him. Confessing what I've felt for the past two years, despite dating Jun for a few months...well, it's something I feel I need to do. I hear a small sob come from the phone. "Just let me go Ella. Let me go and let yourself be happy again. Let him love you like I couldn't." Breaking down at these words, I put my face in my hands. This is how our ending is. This is our finale. "I just wanted you to love me, like I loved you" I softly say through my tears. "I did Ella. I still do. None of this was ever about if I loved you or not. I love you so much. I'll never stop loving you Ella. Ever. You were the greatest thing to ever happen in my life, and I don't regret a moment with you. I only regret how I hurt you. I regret how little time we got. I regret how much of a coward I was to let you walk away. I regret not choosing you....." He speaks his heart through his tears to me...finally. "Then choose me. I love you Jungkook...choose me now" I choke out while falling completely apart. I her him just sigh and it guts me. I know it's really over. "Jun is the better man Ella. He'll be better to you than I ever could have. I know that and see that. He already is because he will not make the same mistake I did....he will choose you. He will walk away from the fame and this life like I can't. You're with the better man. And I want you to be happy. You'll always be the love of my life Ella, I'll never deny that to my heart, even though I did to my fans and the world. I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry for how bad I hurt you. You'll always be in my thoughts and in my heart, that's something no one can take from me. But.....I'll let you go now. And you need to let me go now too. I want you to live a beautiful life full of love. I want you to find someone, if it be Jun, that you love and marry. I want to hear that you've had beautiful babies and are living happily. I will be happy to hear that."

I am lost. What do I say to that? It's not fair. Life isn't fair I've learned. Instead of thinking I just speak. Only from my heart, because this will probably be the last time we ever speak to each other. "I'll love you my whole life Jungkook. Do you know that? Because I know that now. I've accepted that. You live in my heart, and will forever. I have tried to let you go but I still hold you so close in my heart. I feel guilty because you enter my mind when I'm with Jun. That's not fair to him because he is a good man. But I've accepted that I'll always hold you with me. I've accepted that I will always love you and wonder, what if. Jun probably knows all this, yet he says nothing and treats me amazingly. I don't deserve him. But...." I choke a little. "But, ok....I'm letting you go. Any thought or hope of a 'maybe one day' that I've held onto for two years...I'm going to force myself to let go of. I'm not angry at your choice anymore. You love your members like they're your blood, and you love your career. I get that now. I'll keep an eye on how you're doing and I'll still be cheering for you. I'll always cheer for you. You're my bias after all" I try to laugh out but it comes out as a sob. "I can't keep the ring though" "El-" "I can't keep it Jungkook. It will hurt too bad to keep it because it'll remind me of what I really want. And it isn't fair to Jun. If you still won't accept it back I'll sell it and donate the money to a charity in your name." He breaks a little into the phone but says, "ok." We sit in silence for a while, listening to each other weep for our love that's really ending now. We both cry for a happy ending we'll never see. After a little while of just sitting and crying on the phone, I wipe my cheeks and clear my throat. "Jungkook?" I say softly. "Hmm?" He responds. "I need to hang up now." He sighs but says, "I know." Silence engulfs us again. "I love you Ella." Hearing him choke back a sob, which hits me, I tell him for the last time how I truly feel. "I love you Jungkook. So much......goodbye." With that I hit the red button to end the call. I look at the phone for a moment, feeling like my heart is imploding. It hurts so bad. I lay my head down in my arms, that are crossed on the table, and continue to cry for a love that I wanted so badly but couldn't keep in the end.