Bucket Hat

Let Go

~Jungkooks POV~

I feel numb. Completely numb. I can't will my body to stop shaking. What have I done? All the members sit with me as I stare at the phone on the table. The call ended a while ago but the sounds will never leave my mind. Hearing her scream and cry and beg and saying she wasn't good enough for me. I've ruined her. "Kook..." I still stare at the phone, oblivious to the tears that are falling from my eyes. "What did I do?" I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jolt from my thoughts. I look up to my hyung who is looking down at me with pity. I look at the rest of them and their faces are all the same. Pity. And they feel sad for me. I don't want their pity. I don't want them to feel sad for me. I'm the villain. "Why are you looking at me like that? I'm the one who did this! I'm the one who destroyed her!! Did you fucking hear her?!!" Namjoon sighs. "We did Kook. But you can't do this to yourself. You can't keep blaming yourself two years later man. She's got a boyfriend. She moved on. You can't keep tearing yourself down for a mistake you made two years ago just because she can't keep her shit together." What did he just say? I slowly raise my head to look my leader dead in the eyes, disgust written all over my face. "What did you just say hyung?" Namjoon hyung sighs. "Listen..." I have heard enough. "NO!! Don't you say another word about her!! Or about what I did to her! She trusted me and I threw her away! She gave me all of her and I threw it ALL AWAY!!! I had real love!....real love hyung! But I chose to be a coward instead of fighting for her!" Namjoon takes a step back at my outburst, he's wise to do this. "You chose us Jungkook! You chose your team! It was hurting one or hurting millions!" Namjoon was raising his voice now. I couldn't even bare to look at him though. I scoffed. "ARMYs don't care about us! They care about the people we make them believe we are!! Every fucking one of us has sacrificed love for this career and our fans! Why?? Why do we have to do that?! Why can't we have both?!" Namjoon looks to the other members for help but find them all looking down or at me. He runs his hand through his hair as he starts to pace. "Yes! We've all sacrificed, and it's not fair!  But this is what we all CHOSE Jungkook! We all knew what we'd have to give up for this life! So what do you want us to do now? Let you go? Let you break your contract, leave the group and chase after her?? She's with Jun now for Christ sakes!! You fucked up by sending her that damn ring! I told you to return it! She was fine and happy until you had to send her the god damned engagement ring you bought her!! What did you think she'd do, huh? Did you think she'd have no reaction? We all know she loved you so fuck yes seeing that ring would fuck with her! So don't go trying to twist your guilt onto us because YOU did this!" I sat there a moment after he finished. Then I abruptly stood, knocking my chair to the ground as I stood. I walked up to him and looked my leader, that I looked up to and have respected for so many years, dead in the eye and said, "Fuck you!! All this coming from someone who settles with a woman he doesn't love because he's too much of a coward to stand up to his parents." Namjoon hyungs mouth dropped open but I turned and stormed out before anyone could utter another word. I grabbed my phone as I got into my car and dialed a number. "Hey...where's Jun? I need to talk to him."

I pulled into the garage at the company and sat a moment, contemplating what I was going to say. I then got out and headed in to find Jun. Mingyu said they were all practicing either vocals or choreography,
and knowing he's part of the dance line I went to the practice room first. Before walking in I took a deep breath. I pushed the handle and walked in, being greeted with loud thumping music of their next title track. I first saw Hoshi, Dino, and Vernon. "Hey man." Vernon offers me a smile and wave. He's a nice guy. "Hey. Where's Jun?" The three guys stop smiling and  look visibly nervous, they know who I dated and who Jun now dates. "I'm not here to fight or anything. I just want to talk to him." "He's in the side room over there helping Joshua with some moves." Hoshi points over to a door in the far left corner. I thank them and head over. I'm stopped close to the door by DK. He places his hand on my chest, something I've never liked. "Whoa JK. I talked to Mingyu....what's going on? We don't want any trouble here man." I look down at his hand and he quickly moves it away. "I'm not here to start trouble. I'm here to talk to him. I promise." DK relaxes, just a bit. "Alright. Come on." He walks me to the door and knocks lightly. He opens it and I see who I'm searching for. As soon as his eyes meet mine he freezes and stares back. He looks nervous. "JK needs to talk to you Jun." He looks from me to DK to Joshua. "Umm...I'm kind of busy right now." I step in. "I won't take long. It's about Ella." I see the other two men in the room stiffen at the sound of her name. Jun does as well but nods. DK pats Joshua's shoulder and then guides him out. "We'll give you some privacy." I scratch the back of my neck. "Thanks man." DK nods and then shuts the door. After a second I turn to face Jun. He has walked over to a water station and is drinking but keeping his eyes on me. I'm way bigger and stronger than him. We both know that. I also know well that Jun is a pretty timid guy and I can see he's afraid. I like that he is but that's not why I'm here. "I'm sure you know why I'm here." He puts his cup down and looks at me again. "I'm guessing it's about Ella since that's what you said." I nod. "When is the last time you spoke to her?" He furrows his brows at my question. "Why?" I can't help but get a little annoyed. Rolling my eyes I ask, "just when man?" "The day before yesterday. I tried calling her after I landed but she didn't answer. I try to not push so I was letting her call me when she got time. I know how busy she'll be in the next couple of months. Why? Is she ok?" He looks at me with concern. I see how much he cares for her. I sigh and look at the ground. "Has she told you anything about her and I?" "Yes. I feel like she's been very truthful with me about you. I talked to her quite a bit after she left Korea....there's not much I don't think I know." He's been talking to her since the day she left? What the fuck is that? "You have been talking to her literally since the day she left Korea two years ago?" He shrugs but takes a step back, aware of my tone and narrowed eyes. "Yeah. We were friends. You knew we were friends when you were dating. That's all it was in the beginning Jungkook, I swear. Nothing started with us until just a few months ago." He looked scared but I believed him. I've never known of Jun being mistrustful. "Yeah I remember. I believe you. And I want to thank you for being there for her when I was too much of a coward to be." He raises his eyebrows at me but nods. I sigh at what I'm about to say next, knowing it will probably hurt him some. "So, all of us members sent her graduation gifts. We sent them to her sister because....well I'm sure you've heard about her and Yoongi...anyway, Each member sent her one gift....I sent her three." His eyes grow a little darker but he says nothing. "I bought her a coat she had liked when she was here, a few different types of hats, and ....." I choke on the last gift. "And? Is there more you got her?" I nod. " I sent her the engagement ring I had bought her before the scandal broke." I look down at first, feeling a little guilty. But I need to see his reaction so I look back up. He doesn't show much. He's just staring at me. "Why?" He simply asks. "Because....I don't know man! Ugh! Alright. Truth?" Jun nods. "Truth is I still love her. I have tried to move on but I can't stop loving her. I don't think I ever will. And I bought that ring for.her. So I couldn't bare to return it. And I also couldn't bare to keep looking at it. I wanted her to have it. So I sent it to her." "When?" This guy and his simple ass questions. "She opened them earlier today." He nods and looks at the ground. He looks up again and meets my eyes. "I take it she didn't receive it well? Or she did and that's why you're here?" I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. I could kill this relationship right now. I could tell him exactly what is stewing in his mind right now to be the truth, and then try to get her back. But that's not the right thing to do. I can't do that to her. She deserves better. So I'm honest. "No, she didn't. I believe she's asleep right now. Kayla is with her." He looks startled and starts looking around the room and finds his phone on a chair and picks it up. I have to do this right. "Look Jun....I'm not here to try and steal her away from you or threaten you or anything like that. I had my chance and I blew it. She's too good for me. I know this. I don't deserve her. I don't even know really why I'm here. I guess to see how you really feel about her. To see if your worthy of her. What I heard tonight was a woman broken. And I did that to her. I was an idiot to send her that ring, but I just wanted her to have it because.....because I bought it for her. Please put your phone down. I said she was sleeping." Jun looks at me and slides his phone into his pocket. He crosses his arms and stands there....just looking at me. "What do you want me to say Jungkook? Do you want to know if I love her? Because yes, I do. Very much. Do you want to tell me she still loves you? You don't have to, because I already know. I already know I am competing every day with your memory. Do you want me to get angry because you sent my girlfriend an engagement ring? Ok, fine. I'm angry. But I'm not going to make her choose. Maybe....maybe because I'm scared of who she will choose. All I'm going to do is be there for her and love her until she tells me not to. I can't compete with you if that's what you want, I'm not stupid, I know I'd never win. But I won't walk away from her either. I won't leave her unless she wants me to." I'm floored. That's the most I think I've ever spoken to the quiet Chinese man in one sitting since I met him. I sigh and rub the back of my head. " I'm not going to try to win her back Jun. As I said, I had my chance and I fucked it up. I won't apologize for sending the ring to her, it was meant for her, but I won't get in your way to be with her either. She deserves to be happy. I guess I wanted to see if your feelings for her were real. I can see that they are. But I still love her. I'm IN love with her and I can't help it. I know that she doesn't give her heart away easily, so if she's told you she loves you then she means it." Jun smiles a little and I know from that smile that she's told him. That hurt. Bad. But I know I deserve it. I sigh. "As I said, I won't stand in your way or try to stop you from being together. I lost my chance and now it's yours. From what I've heard you don't plan to make the same mistake I did once the public finds out. I envy you for that Jun. You're more of a man than I am because I should have also chosen her. Treat her good and love her right. She's an amazing woman." I feel tears fighting in my eyes but I don't try to stop them and a couple run down my cheeks. Jun looks at me and I see some sadness for me in his eyes. "Thank you.....and I will do my best to make her happy." I nod and wipe my eyes. "I should go. Thanks for talking with me." He nods and I turn and walk out, walking away and letting go of what I know was the love of my life.