The Time Hopper

Facing Reality

I was inconsolable. I clutched to Riley like a buoy in a stormy sea and I felt my mind collapse in on itself, exposing a pit of grief and guilt that I had been keeping covered. I curled into a ball, covering my own head as I sobbed and sobbed with such force it felt like my bones were creaking and my lungs were tearing under the pressure. But it was nothing, nothing against the burn of guilt and dread lighting my throat on fire, nothing against the disappointment and pain that weighed my stomach down like a hundred rocks. I wanted to disappear, to sink into the ground, because I knew that I couldn't be broken forever. They wanted to know where Kat was, and I had to explain it, and the thought of it made me want to die. 

"Sadie, it's alright. I've got you, you're safe now. It's okay." I heard Riley said, shifting me so I was leaning against his chest and wrapped in his arms. He rubbed my back as I cried, my face burrowed into the crook of his neck. There were other people around me, unfamiliar voices, gently touches on my back and arms and murmured words of consolation, and it all just made me more upset. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve the kindness. 

As I cried, I felt more and more of my strength leaving me. I could still feel Kat's blood caked onto my skin and clothes, making them stiff as I tried to move. I just stayed limp as the fatigue of the past few days welled up and crashed over me, the tears making me drowsy. Finally, I passed out, falling into a blissful, dreamless sleep. 

When I woke up, I was dressed in clean clothes, my face and hands carefully scrubbed free of blood, and I was laid in a bed. For a split second, I began to smile, before I remembered. It was like a wave of pain and numbness was sweeping over me, dragging me back down into that horrible space of guilt and pain that made me long for the relief of sleep once again. Part of me wanted to turn onto my side and pretend that I still slept, put off the inevitable for as long as I could. Unfortunately, Riley was in the room with me, and he had already seen me stir. 

"Sadie! You're awake, thank god! How are you feeling?" He asked me. I heard him bolt from a chair with a tell tale creak of wicker, and then I felt the bed dip as he sat next to me. A moment later, he grasped his hand in mine, and I took comfort in that familiar, calloused, warm hand. I opened my eyes and my gaze met his, eyes full of such sadness as I tried and failed to croak out a response. He leaned forward and hugged me, fiercely. 

"It's alright. Everything is going to be alright, you're here, and you're fine. They thought you were really badly hurt, but the women took a look and said that you weren't wounded. I know that you're alright physically, but how are you?" He asked me again, pulling away and fixing me with those bright green eyes. I swallowed back tears and sat up, leaning back against the wall in one of the simple monastery rooms. I cleared my throat and swallowed, closing my eyes for a moment before forcing myself to just say it. 

"Kat's dead." I whispered, my voice shaky. Riley's grip tightened and I watched as sadness and empathy passed over his face. He held my hand for a moment, nodding and not looking at me as he processed the information. 

"Okay. I am so, so sorry, Sadie. But it wasn't your fault. You have to know that, you have to know that it wasn't your fault." He said, and I shook my head, fresh tears falling. 

"I killed her myself, Riley. I stabbed her and I held her as she died. It was my fault; it was all my fault." I said, feeling emotions rising like water behind a damn. His eyes widened at what I said, and I watched as he became unsure of me. And then he brushed it off and shook his head slowly, still holding tight onto my hands. 

"Well- wait a moment, you have to tell me why. You have to tell me the context, because I don't believe you did it in cold blood. I won't believe that; it's just not you." He asserted, setting his jaw and giving me a stern look. The faith he placed in me brought on a new wave of tears. When I had calmed a little, I nodded and took a deep breath before starting to properly explain what had happened as quickly as I could, not wanting to relive the nightmare I had just escaped.