I'll Find You... I Promise

Chapter 8

TW: Talks of Fire, Talks of Burns, Talks of Injury

When Janus got out of the shower Patton had left to walk the twins over to the neighbor's house, leaving him and Virgil alone with Logan. The three of them ended up playing a quick game of Go Fish while they waited for Patton to get back. Logan ended up winning, with Virgil coming in a close second, and Janus to distracted to care.

"Alright," Patton said when he arrived, entering the kitchen only for a moment to grab an insulated bag filled with snacks and water, "The twins are all set up at the neighbors, and the car is loaded up, everyone ready?"

"I assume so," Logan answered as he put away the deck, "Janus has packed his bag and Virgil has one as well to keep him entertained during the trip. Virgil, did you want to bring Bitey in case you become overwhelmed at any point?" Virgil gave a nod before hurrying up the stairs to do just that. 

"You guys don't have to take us all the way there you know," Janus told them bitterly, hands in his pockets, "You could've just called Ryan and had him come get us. It would've been fine, we're used to it."

Patton and Logan looked to Janus with confusion, "Come get you?" Patton repeated.

"Yeah, come get us. It would've saved us all from an awkward car ride."

Well, it would've saved them. Janus would still have had to endure what would most likely be another stupid long lecture about messing things up. Now he'd still have to hear that lecture, it'd just be delayed and he'd have the added bonus of sitting in a car with the two guys that could've been his brother's key to a better life. 

"Oh," Logan realized, "Janus, I believe you misunderstood our intentions-"

"So what, you want to make us suffer? Is that it?" Janus remarked angrily, "You know, you don't have to punish Virgil just because I'm an idiot with attachment issues. He's happy here, you were right. He would've been fine without me." Janus took a step forward, his voice beginning to break slightly, "You could've just gotten rid of me and kept him. You all love him after all, and he obviously likes you. He doesn't need me! I can leave, just me. I'll leave, it's fine, I'll do it. Just... Virgil shouldn't have to be punished because I'm too scared to let go of him."

"Dee?" Virgil asked from the top of the stairs, Janus turned to look at him. Virgil looked back and forth between the adults and Janus, "What's going on?"

Janus looked away, roughly wiping his face, "Nothing, it's fine Virge. Let's just go, it's a long car ride." 

Janus pushed his way past Patton and Logan, grabbing his bag off the ground and heading towards the car. Logan attempted to reach for him, but Patton stopped him with a hand on his shoulder and a shake of his head. Everyone else followed after Janus soon after.

They ended up riding in the honda civic instead of the minivan. Janus sat in the back with his brother, shoving his earbuds in as soon as he could to avoid having to talk about his most recent emotional meltdown. Virgil seemed to take the hint that he wanted to be left alone and pulled a book out from a bag of stuff Logan had let him bring to keep him occupied.

Logan and Patton remained outside the car a little longer, talking in hushed voices and every once in a while gesturing to the two of them in the car. Eventually, they too got in though, Logan in the driver's seat and Patton in the seat in front of Janus. There was a moment where Patton reached over towards Logan and gave his hand a small squeeze and a smile. Logan took a deep breath to calm himself, apparently, Janus's outburst had upset him, before he started the car and backed out of the driveway.

Back to the beginning.

*****

Janus had been ten when his parents died in a house fire. He had been the only survivor, Virgil having been staying at a relative's house for the night and to young to remember most of it anyway. Janus however, remembered every last detail of that night. It was what came after, those next few months he spent in the hospital, that he always had trouble recalling.

For instance, the make-shift funeral ceremony they had held in the hospital chapel. Janus's injuries had been to severe for him to attend the real funeral, but one of his cousins, or perhaps it was an aunt, had insisted he get to have a proper goodbye. So once he had been stable enough, he was wheeled down to the chapel, and they held a funeral. There was even a priest, but, Janus was pretty sure they hadn't been Jewish like his parents were. Maybe they were Christian? Presbyterian? He just knew that the priest there, was the only one at the hospital that day, they didn't even work there. They were just there for a check-up and had been rounded into it.

Janus was pretty sure they hadn't minded. 

He faintly remembered his relatives discussing funeral arrangements while they thought he was unconscious. It was a while after the fire though, at least a weak, because Janus had been under anesthesia for a long time . One of his parents had wanted to be buried, and the other cremated, he couldn't remember which one wanted which, but in the end, everyone agreed that cremation would only be too horribly ironic. He was pretty sure they did some sort of mixed thing, though that had been more due to lack of choice than anything else.

He remembered his teacher visiting, and tutoring him so he could still pass, but he had no idea what they had learned and when he finally returned to school the next fall he had trouble keeping up with the rest of the class so he must not have retained any of it.

At some point, once his family had finished making the arrangements to turn Janus and Virgil over to the state, Ryan started visiting. He had no idea when they had first met, and could not remember the man introducing himself. He had faint, blurry memories, of Ryan occasionally bringing Virgil with him. But... that was back when Virgil had stopped talking, and he was always scared to come in at first.

What else...

Oh, he didn't remember being told his parents had died. At least, not the way he remembered other stuff. His memories of that felt distant, and wrong as if they weren't actually his. In his head, it all sounded muted, and confusing. And Janus remembered that he would forget a lot, he'd ask the nurses for his parents and they would just smile really sadly and 'see what they could do' and then send another therapist down. Well... except for the nurse who ran out crying, that nurse hadn't said anything and Janus hadn't seen them much after that day. But, yeah, he ended up figuring it out on his own pretty much, he couldn't remember when. It was after the funeral arrangements (because that obviously wasn't enough of a hint) and before Ryan had started coming.

He didn't remember the day the bandages came off.

But, he did remember his grandmother breaking into tears when they did. And Virgil cried too. Someone else had cried... he wasn't sure who.

Janus hadn't cried because it still hurt to cry. But, he did remember being handed a mirror and shown, and then there had been a really numb feeling.

It had been a really hard few months afterward.

Physical Therapy had been hard. And everyone looking at him weirdly. Kids at school were always too nice or surprisingly mean. Adults were overly lenient with him. Virgil, once he realized that the boy covered in scars was his brother, had become clingy. Things were strange.

But...

Janus had gotten through it with what had felt like pretty much no one by his side. He didn't blame his brother for not being super supportive or helpful, Virgil was three. What was he supposed to do? And he didn't really blame Ryan, he'd been so new to the job. Janus and Virgil were his first case and probably a hard one too. He didn't blame his family. He didn't really blame anyone. But that didn't stop him from feeling like he had gotten through it on his own. 

Or from thinking he could do everything else on his own too.

Word Count: 1419