5 Days of Rock bottomness

Give Me All Your Poison

Ray's POV

We heard the bus door open and turned to look as Gerard entered, I knew we were all relieved that he had come back tonight. He looked a little bit fidgety as he crossed the bus to the bunk room, supposedly to go to bed. I sighed and pulled out my phone and started texting Brian.

"Well, he finally talked." I typed before pressing the send button. I waited a few minutes watching the guys play video games until I heard my phone make the little beeping sound it makes when I get a text.

"Thank God! He called me at 5 o'clock this morning. He said he knew he had a problem and he didn't want to do it anymore."

"That's what he told us too. I'm glad he's finally confronting this. Mikey's a wreak." I always felt bad for Mikey. He wasn't a kid but he was a little sensitive and prone to panic attacks.

"Just make sure he isn't going into some kind of shock. How has he been doing with all this?"

"I'm not really sure, I flushed most of his pills but he started puking after a few hours. We gave him one beer but I suspect he got more from somewhere else."

"I would expect that he would still need it, but try to keep it to a minimum"

"He's hiding something. I don't know what it is but it's something else besides alcohol and pills. I think it has to do with that Burt guy from The Used."

"If he hasn't said anything, it's probably worse than pills and alcohol." Brian was right. We needed to keep a closer watch on Gerard.

"He doesn't really eat anything either."

"Hopefully, once he gets some of the crap out of his system, he will want to."

"I don't know, it's not the drugs that are keeping him from eating, it's the depression. Both Way brothers have problems like that. Mikey keeps getting panic attacks." Ray closed his eyes and thought of Mikey. The poor kid has been hiding the attacks from his older brother. We tried to help him but he just wants to make this as easy as he can, for Gerard.

"Hopefully Mikey won't be next but I hope he feels better too."

"Yeah, me too."

"text me again if you figure out what Gerard's hiding."

"I will, bye."

"Bye."

I look up to the TV just as Frank turns it off. They get up and go to the bunk room. I check the fridge to make sure that we had gotten rid of all the beer and then watch as Frank carefully pulls back Gerard's curtain. Satisfied that he's asleep, he climbs the bunk and disappears into his bed.

Gerard's POV

I lay awake in my bunk with my headphones in my ears. Maybe if the music was loud enough I wouldn't be able to hear myself think. It didn't work. I was on a high and I knew from experience that I wouldn't sleep tonight. The drug always made me more alert and restless. I'm sure the guys know that I'm hiding something. They knew Bert was a bad influence on me. I'm surprised that they don't try to pry it out of me.

I took my headphones out. I could still hear them playing video games outside the bunk room. The urge to drink still had me in its grasp. I knew that they had probably either given all the alcohol to somebody else or hidden it really well. I wasn't going to try anything. I knew my body needed it and I wanted it too but I had to do this. I tried to remember how it was before I became addicted. I was a freshman in college, art school to be exact. I remember how sad Mikey was when I moved out. I almost didn't go. Mikey was my best friend and really the only thing that could pull me out of depression at the time. I realized that I had been substituting alcohol and pills for my friends. They were worth more than that.

I wanted to cry more. "Don't cry your not worth it. You don't deserve relief." I listened to the voice in my head because I believed it was true. I'm worthless. I deserve the pain. Cocaine made my depression turn into a voice in my head. I wanted to feel better but the other person didn't want me to. Why do I let it control me? I don't want to do cocaine but my mind told me to because it knew that it made me feel worse.

I looked at the time, it was almost 3 in the morning. I heard the tv turn off and the guys start to get ready for bed. I turned my head to face the wall. Somebody opened my curtain to make sure I was still there. I pretended to be asleep. The curtain closed again. Frank's foot appeared below my curtain as he climbed the bunk. He slept in the top because he was the smallest. Ray was in the bottom and I was in the middle. On the other side of the tiny room, Bob was in the middle bunk and Mikey was on the top. He liked to sleep on the top so he could ambush people when they walked by to get to the bathroom. I smiled at that thought. One time he dropped an egg on Frank's head. Mikey laughed so hard! Of course, this only mad Frank more mad. I'm surprised the band puts up with the two of us.

I couldn't sit here anymore. The crack made me restless. I got up, taking care to be quiet. Walking out to the main room of the bus, I reached for the door. Opening it as quietly as I could, I stepped out into the cool night air. I wanted to move farther away from the bus before calling Brian. "That's right, call Brian. You know it makes you feel horrible. You love to feel this way don't you?" "Yes, I do" I answered the voice. "I love pain."

I found a picnic table by the stadium and sat down, trying multiple positions, not able to get comfortable. I closed my eyes. Then opened them, not liking the images that flashed through my head. I pulled out my phone, it was 5 o'clock. I sighed and pulled up Brian's contact. "Do it."says the voice "I am." Hesitantly, I pressed the call button. This time, he was expecting my call.

"Hello Gerard, how's it going?" He sounded tired. I didn't speak. I didn't know what to say.

"Gerard? What's up? Say something!"

"Uh...um" I stuttered. My throat felt tight.

"It's alright Gerard. I know it's hard, did you tell them?" Of course he already knew that Gerard had told them, he had been in contact with Ray. Ray was the most responsible of them.

"Y-yes" I managed to choke out. It took a lot of effort to not burst into tears.

"Good Gerard! I'm proud of you! Your making progress!" That hurt. I wasn't making progress. They just thought I was making progress. "How much did you drink last night?"

"I-I don't know... not enough. I need it Brian. I have a horrible headache and I can't stop throwing up!" I was pacing now. It helped my non-crying effort.

"What about pills?"

"Ray flushed them down the toilet" I suddenly felt a burning anger and then it disappeared as quickly as it showed up. I lay down on my back and look up at the dark sky.

"Good... Is there anything else you need to talk about Gerard?" I was quiet for about a minute. There was the question. They knew something was up.

"Do you think they h-hate me now Brian?" I asked the question that had been wearing on my mind for a long time. "Mikey probably does. I give him panic attacks."

"Gerard, Mikey has panic attacks because he's afraid to lose you. You getting better will help him."

"No it won't! The only person it will help is me! I so fucking selfish!" I almost yell into the phone, tears threatening again.

"Don't say that Gerard! We all love you. You need to get some sleep. Did you sleep at all before calling me?"

"No"

"Okay I want you to go back to your bunk now." Brian said, assuming that I wasn't in bed.

"Alright, I'm going now." I said.

"Goodnight"

I didn't reply, I just clicked the end call button. I knew it was rude, but I didn't care. I slowly walked back to the bus and entered as quietly as I had left. The drug had finally worn off and I climbed into my bunk and collapsed.