Anidita - Beautiful Lies

10

31 May 1922,

Dear Diary Babu,

I has been long, I wrote you about my days and trust me, I wasn't at fault alone. Since last month something has been off about him, you know my patibabu. It seems like his world revolves only around cases at court and me at home. He hardly wastes a moment or a split second being with me after he is back from court. And you know, I really don't afford to pen my words infront of him.

Miraculously, today I got sometime alone, so thought of penning up all my untold emotions that bubbled inside me past 1 month.

Starting from the first night of this month, on 1 may 1922, Patibabu and I have crossed an axillary territory, somewhere we both were aware was not so innocent. He had been demanding, so were his eyes with a tint of shame sparkling in the pitch dark room.

His grip on my hands, made my knees go weak and couldn't but end up doing something bold, any women won't dare in this era specially, even its their lawfully husband. I sat on his lap leaning against his muscular chest, and with quivering hand offered him the coffee which he took with appeasement.

That moment felt so surreal, even if I don't where when the end game was. His body language, his alluring eyes were more expressive, than the words he verbalized in riddled form. As if his embrace was an unending ocean, I was ready to drown with a thought. Even if he was poison, I would have accept him without grudges.

That night, every time our eyes would look, I could decipher something deep in them although I had kept my ones opaque for him to acknowledge anything. It was like playing hide and seek, where I could read his eyes, tease him, irritate him on the other hand, he just could ran here and there trying to find my hidden emotions.

One thing so apt in my life "Beauty of love lies in pain". Everytime I encounter pain, the more I fall deeply in love with him. But I am afraid to fall, cause everything that falls gets broken. What if falling this hard breaks me someday?

I chuckled at this thought. Is there is something more to break inside me? That helpless & defenceless heart inside me has already crumbled down and burn into ashes with no hope for alleviation.

That day Barrister babu had once again clearly announced in silence, " He was ready to be with me forever.... without love". My insides churned at his pronouncement but soon it faded at his last words.

What more could I have done instead of gleefully smiling back at him that time? Even if I know this thing so clearly, yet listening to it one time more stabs my heart from where an ocean of blood flows down. I compose myself, all by myself.

I know, I can never be the loving wife waiting for him at home, he would hold in arms after spending tedious day outside. But I can be a home for him, precisely a nest, where he could come back and rest his head on my lap before calling the engulfed darkness as night.

His arms may not be opened for me but mine will always be broad open for him to love with all I have. Even if I don't own any belongings yet I own an endless cave of love where he could lost himself in.

I don't know when sleep caught me and I fell asleep in his arms, shedding tears in silence, he failed to notice.

And after that day, I hardly took coffee to him by myself. Either Koyeli would take or Bhari babu, for which he would remain frustrated all day long. My poor koyeli di and bhari babu, they had to hear an earful rubbish, just for me. This gesture sometimes put me in wonder.

Was the coffee special for him or the person taking it to him?

Maybe it was I, which I felt coy to admit. But yes. I was special not the coffee.

A week rolled on like this and one Friday, Patibabu bought Dhawrkonath babu with him, unknown to me. That day, I simply came from school and running upstairs threw my bag on the bed before coming down and dashing inside the kitchen in my navy blue school dress.

Smilingly played with my two braids on the either side of my shoulders, I kept humming tunes while putting the water on stove to boil. Making coffee for birristera babu was my first job after returning from school everyday and that day was no different.

I clearly remember it to be a love song, for which I refrained myself to say the lyrics and choosed to hum only. Not that anyone would say me something for this but it is me myself who would feel embarrassed if someone hears.

After all, everyone in the house along with Patibabu knew, this very well, whom would I be imagining while signing. And he would avoid his eye contact with me for the next few hours unless I would stalk him and force him to have a normal conversation.This was a regular phenomenon and I perfectly knew how to handle the things. Prevention is better than cure, be it disease or be it pain.

Subconsciously, I would have burn my hand putting it into the hot water while taking it from the stove bare hand, had not Dhawrkonath babu held my hand at the nick time. I was so lost in humming that it slipped from my mind that I should have used a piece of cloth while taking the hot container down.

The container slipped from our hand making a harsh noise on the floor. Though I was saved but in process to save me Dhawrkonath babu's feet got burned.

I screamed on the top of my lung, unable to grasp this all which happened in a few seconds. He gasped due to the burning sensation while I got startled due to the stranger infront of me, hurting himself in order to save me.

Unable to form a sentence I rushed to the other side and bought a pot of cold water before splashing it on this burned feet. He gasped again.

I apologized to him shamefully to which he nodded and asked me back if I was alright. Right at that moment I was in dubiety if I should help him out and thank to him or should I ask him who he was and how he had been here?

Within a minute KakaSasurji, Koyeli & Patibabu ran to kitchen and found us in a mess. He instantly turned out muttering something and dashing out of the kitchen perplexing me. Patibabu spared a glanced at him and coming towards me gently cupped my face checking me out. Wiping my tears he gave a reassuring smile and I could not even understand what was happening. Without delaying, Patibabu escorted Dhawrkonath babu to study instructing Koyeli to bring ointment.

I stood there all nervous and rushed with koyeli to study. On the way, I could see Kakasasurji indicating something to Koyeli which I missed intentionally, feeling it useless for that moment and considered it to be something not to be bothered about.

I was about to enter the study with Koyeli didi, when she pulled me at a side gently and downing her head respectfully asked me not to touch any stranger, especially a man who has no relation with me.

Things started getting processing inside my head, how I had unintentionally kept my hand on his ankle while pouring the cold water on his leg. I could taste bile inside my mouth realising kaka sasurji to see it and find it indecent. 

Tears welled up my eyes, and my vision got opaque. This was not something I was ready to listen. I kept watching Patibabu helping Dhawrkonath babu putting the cold ointment standing behind the sheer glass door.

I stood numb there for minutes unless Batuk rushed to me and tapped my back nonchalantly. I glanced at Batuk with red eyes and he said, "Ohhoo boudi why are you so careless. You just burned Master ji's leg?"

Master ji? This world puzzled me and in return he replied, "Boudi! My new music teacher! The very person you made Anirudh dada request to teach me guitar. He is Dhawrkonath babu"

Listening to Batuk, I put a hand on my mouth and control the gasp it left before espying back in the study to see the mister ogling me back!

Shame! And I ran from there but a question still wandering in my head, how he reached the kitchen?