I Miss You

This Is It?

My eyes flew open abruptly with the vision of her burnt hands still seared in my brain and I rubbed my hands against my legs in an effort to feel anything other than her ashes. Noticing that my head was in someone's lap I sat up as fast as gravity would allow me, this in turn made my head spin so hard I thought I might pass out. Looking down I realized I still had Jessie's jacket on before I peeled it off my body, I was sweating profusely after tonight's nightmare. I slowly started to realize in a confused manner that I was in Austin's frat house and searched my brain trying to locate my last memory. Glancing over I noticed in horror that the person's lap my head was in happened to be Jessie, the absolute last person I wanted to fall asleep on.
          Oh my god I could die right here.
          Unfortunately for me Jessie had finally started to stir from my movements and his eyes fluttered open quickly.
          "Morning sleepy head," he said with a tired smile.
          "I'm confused why am I still in Austin's house?" My eyes felt glued shut from the amount of makeup I was wearing and I did my best to compose myself so I didn't fully flip out on the man I had been sleeping on for the last few hours.
          "What the fuck is going on?" I moved to try to stand and quickly remembered the injury I took to my knee earlier and sat back down wincing.
          "What time is it?"
          Confused still, I tried locating my clutch that had my cellphone inside and realized with horror that it wasn't in my hands anymore.
          "And where the hell is my purse?" Starting to panic I looked around the living room, all the lights had been turned off and the t.v on the floor cast an ominous blue glow across everything including him. Jessie finally sat up and reached to his left side revealing my precious clutch.
          "Oh thank god."
          I grabbed it out of his hands and dug to the bottom trying to locate my phone. A few stressful moments of panic later I eventually found it and realized what time it was.
          The screen read 3:35 am and this fact confused me.
          "What happened after I fell asleep, where is everyone?"
          "Well I think at some point the cops showed up and told everyone who couldn't prove they lived at this house that they had to leave."
          "Jordan vouched for us but since the party was over she left with Austin and her other friends leaving us here alone. You were sleeping so peacefully I didn't want to wake you so I took your purse out of your hand and shoved it between the couch cushions so no one would steal it. After a while I must have eventually fallen asleep myself."
          All this information at once was starting to give me a migraine. I sat forward and inspected my knee again closely, it was a little swollen still but mostly just sore.
          I finally decided that it would probably be a good idea to check in with Jordan just to make sure she was still alive.
          I felt something against my skin and saw that Jessie was now draping his coat over my shoulders again. Confused, I looked down and realized why he was doing that. My chest was almost completely exposed on the side that my dress strap had broken.
          "I'm just going to text Jordan quickly and check in." I said embarrassed. He's probably seen a lot of bodies that were better looking than mine.
          "Yeah okay," he said while yawning and standing.
          "I'm gonna go use the bathroom and stretch my legs, my right one fell asleep about two hours ago." He said smugly.
          As he crossed the living room to the downstairs bathroom I shot Jordan a text explaining that I was alive and I'd be back at the dorms by morning.
          For the first time since I'd met her she didn't answer me immediately and I surmised that she was probably passed out somewhere with Austin babysitting her. My phone battery was getting super low so I decided it was probably better to just shut it off, I didn't know if I was going to be home anytime soon.
          I made my way to the front porch with my pack of cigarettes and Jessie's lighter in my hand. Leaning my back against the railing I pulled Jessie's coat closer around my shoulders trying to fend off the cold breeze in the night air.
          As I was snapping the cap back on his fancy lighter I glanced up from puffing my cigarette awake to see Jessie advancing on me and tightly grabbing my left arm.
          "What the hell are you doing?" I asked, trying to pull my hand out of his, surprised by his strength.
          "It's a little rude to go through other people's shit, didn't anyone ever fucking teach you that little girl?" He said as he angrily ripped the lighter out of my hand.
          What happened next surprised me more than him as I lifted my opposite hand and firmly smacked him across the face. The loud crack echoed across the street into the trees.
          I realized with horror what I had just done but I didn't care.
          "If you ever touch me like that again, it will be the last time." I said out of breath.
          He was so close I could smell the mix of cologne and cigarettes on his skin. I pushed forward and realized that he had put both his hands against the railing behind me and was effectively blocking me in. My breath was still heavy in my chest as I put both my hands against his chest and firmly shoved trying to force him back and out of my way.
          "Move."
          I looked up at him and noticed the scarily calm expression on his face, his eyes bore into mine like he could see straight into my soul in this moment and I looked away.
          My breath was continuing to come out in small puffs as he put his hand under my chin and forced my head back firmly to look up at him again. He slowly leaned forward with his eyes concentrated on my lips and before I could stop myself I melted into him.
          He pressed his strong hands under my arms and lifted me carefully onto the porch railing as he used his leg to gently force my thighs apart as he stood between them. Pressing his firm body against mine my mouth betrayed me and let out an involuntary groan of pleasure.
          My mouth crashed forcefully against his and my tongue began to travel around the inside of his mouth. He tasted sweet in a way I'd never experienced and my tongue felt swollen in anticipation to explore more. My hands ached to feel his body as I hastily lifted his torn shirt off him, I let my fingers slowly follow the valleys between each individual muscle and I traced the tribal tattoos that covered his chest and arms. As I slowly reached the bottom of his stomach, he let a small groan out into my neck and reached up to grab my left breast that had exposed itself. My body ached for his touch as he gently massaged my chest and pressed himself strongly against me.
          This is a bad idea, if you hook up with him once you won't be able to stop yourself from doing it again.
          I slowly untangled myself from him and pulled the remaining fabric of my dress back up to cover myself. "I'm sorry I can't do this."
          It was barely audible through my hands that were now covering my face in embarrassment. I could see the instant scorn in his expression through my fingers and he stepped back away from me. The tattoos covering his perfectly sculpted chest were visible in the moonlight and I could see by his breathing that he was very worked up.
          "So what, you only like blonde haired douchebags like Ryan," he said as he backed away from me, bending down to pick up his ripped shirt. I whipped my head up quickly to look at him, I will not cry.
          "I guess I could say the same thing to you, if you're looking for another Emily you won't find an ounce of girls like her in me." I shot back savagely as my eyes started to betray me. Jessie moved to sit down on the front steps and I tried to pull myself together.
          "I'm going home." I jumped down from the railing carefully and moved to try to walk past him down the steps, he caught my hand as I passed him.
          "You're not going anywhere in those shoes with a busted knee like that, just get in my car I'll give you a ride." He spoke softly.
           With a broken spirit I relented, I didn't have any more fight left in me tonight.
         
          -
 
  The ride back to my dorm room was noiseless aside from the soft hum of the engine. The cool glass on the inside of the window was refreshing against my warm skin. I reached forward and dug through my clutch to pull my phone out, I turned it back on wondering if Jordan had answered me. I had received a message but it wasn't from her, I glanced at the name noticing it was Mariah again and turned my phone off completely again. After a few more minutes of awkward silence we finally pulled into the parking lot. With much difficulty and no help from Jessie I finally got myself out of the car and hobbled to the double doors on the outside of the building. The second I put my key in the lock Jessie loudly peeled out.
          Whatever, I was done with that asshole anyways he was obviously just mad I wasn't like the other girls around campus who just gave themselves away. Plus he had already hurt my feelings more than I was willing to admit.
          I made my way down the hallway to my dorm room and about fell through the door with happiness. I eagerly started pulling Jessie's jacket off and Jordan's ripped dress. I was pulling a sports bra on when I heard a knock and someone burst through the door.
          "Hey you forgot your clutch in my car-" he cut off mid sentence when he finally noticed that I was barely dressed at all. I was doing my best to use my arms to cover my chest as I looked up at him. He was the absolute best looking guy I'd ever met and just the sight of him shirtless made me warm all over. I dropped my arms in defeat and gave him the face of someone who had completely given up.
          "Could you please knock next time?" I sat down on the bed in my underwear and sports bra, I gestured to the shirt I had laid across my vanity seat, my leg hurt too bad to try to hobble over and grab it. His eyes tore away from my body finally and with two short strides he had thrown me the shirt. I gingerly put it on, careful not to bump my already sore nose.
          Looking up I realized that he had made his way to my freezer and was rummaging around.
          "Do you have any ice?" He asked with a determined expression.
          "Why on earth would you want ice at four thirty in the morning?" I was tired and defeated, silently begging him to leave.
          "For your knee, oh wait I found some."
          I watched as he grabbed the red and white checkered kitchen towel off the edge of the sink and made his way back over to me sitting down next to me on the bed.
          "Let me see your knee again,"
          He grabbed my leg carefully and draped it across his lap as he gently sat the cold ice against my knee. I was surprised at how good it actually felt and laid back against the bed allowing him to work his magic.
          The closeness of his warm hands to my core made my cheeks start to flush and I squirmed. I reached down to grab the hand that wasn't holding the ice and played with his fingers.
          "What are you doing?" He asked, confused.
           He had soft hands aside from the calluses on his palms. Turning it over to inspect his knuckles I saw that bright purple bruises had formed completely covering them, he didn't seem to feel them though as he carefully inspected my face. I grabbed his hand and experimentally used it to caress the inside of my thigh. My body was screaming with craving to be touched by him.
          "How many people have you slept with?" I asked, I wasn't sure what had come over me. I sat up and placed his hand against the side of my face and leaned into it closing my eyes, my heart craved to be touched. He gazed at me with sincere eyes and answered.
          "More than you'd like to know about." He said softly as he looked at my face in his palm.
          "What about you?"
          I answered him honestly.
          "Just one person." I fell back against my bed letting his hand drop from my face. I knew I should have been embarrassed about basically being a virgin but I just didn't care anymore about anything.
          "I think you should-"
          but before I could finish that sentence I heard the door knob start to turn. Embarrassed about how this was about to look I sat up abruptly.
          Jordan and Austin came tumbling through the front door together giggling. Caught off guard by mine and Jessie's lack of clothing Austin spoke up.
          "Sorry, did we interrupt something?" Austin looked more embarrassed than I should have felt.
          "Nah man, I was just leaving." Jessie crossed my room easily with his long legs.
          "Bye Tasha." He said while looking me squarely in the eyes.
          Jordan and Austin made their way across the room to her bed and fell down into it together. They  were pretty drunk, I could tell by the amount of giggling that was coming from her corner of the room. Not wanting to answer any questions I pulled my blanket up over my face.
          "Hey Tasha?" It was Austin.
          "Yeah what's up," I was praying he wouldn't ask me anything I didn't want to answer.
          "Just be careful around Jessie okay?" Confused and curious as to why he would say that I pulled the blanket off my head and looked over at him.
          "Why?" Jordan perked up for a second and listened intently, it was obvious that whatever Austin was about to tell me she didn't know about.
          "Well Ryan was telling me a little bit about him. He's done some pretty messed up things to some girls," he said this in a way that made it seem like he was telling me something he really didn't want to say.
          "I just don't want to see you get hurt okay?"
          "You don't have to worry about me, there's nothing going on between me and Jessie." I pulled my blanket back up over my head signaling to him that this was the end of the conversation. I fell asleep to the sound of Jordan and Austin fooling around under the blankets, she was giggling like a schoolgirl.
         
  -
         
  I was sitting on a lawn chair in front of an elegant blue pool, I glanced to my left and saw her laid back smiling over to me. She was saying something to me that I couldn't fully hear, her words came out in a muffled jumble and there was a faint splashing noise in the background. my eyes wandered away from hers as I tried to find the source of the sound. Realizing that the sound had stopped I glanced back over to her seat, noticing that it was empty I sat up looking around trying to find her. Staring at the pool in horror I saw her body floating lifelessly. I moved to stand and save her but my feet had sunk down in the cement. She was gone and I couldn't help her.