I Miss You

The Worst Night Of My Life.

          "Seriously dude, fuck off there's someone in here!" I screamed angrily, the last thing I wanted to do was share the bathroom with some drunk frat guy. Before I could react to the situation fully the knob to the door was turning and whoever was on the other side was coming in.
        The last person I had expected burst through the door came piling in so quickly I was almost knocked off my feet entirely. The rude guy from outside who wouldn't leave me alone was standing in the small bathroom with me, and he appeared to be extremely drunk.
        "Excuse me, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" I said in the bitchiest tone I could muster. "Ohhh I'm so sorry I didn't realize there was someone in here." He said as he casually put his arm against the wall to block my way out. The smell of his breath alone put me on the brink of vomiting.
        "Yeah well you were obviously wrong, now get the fuck out of my way so I can go please." My heart was starting to race with fear but I swallowed that down, I knew what this guy was up to and I didn't want to be apart of it.
        "But why do you want to leave so soon? We are just starting to have fun little mouse." With one final push I desperately tried to get past him and out the door, his expression was that of someone who knew they couldn't be over powered. He displayed one final devious grin before he quickly closed the door behind him and locked it.
       
        He advanced on me so fast I didn't have time to react and I tripped over my shoes as he pushed his body against mine. The weight of his body against mine knocked me off balance and I fell to the floor hard, knocking my knee while simultaneously hitting my nose so hard it started bleeding. I felt him trying to pull my dress up and I knew there wasn't anything I could do to stop him. I forced my brain to shut itself off in the same ways I did when I was a child. I knew what was going to happen and being cognitively present for this would only damage me more in the end. What happened next occurred so fast my brain could barely comprehend it.
        Someone had kicked the bathroom door down and flew in so fast they're body became a blur of colors in my eyes. I could feel someone pulling the drunk guy off me and I heard the distinct sound of someone being punched with bone crushing force in my ears.
          Confused as to what was going on I shielded my face with my hands for a moment expecting to be hit next. When I finally noticed nothing had happened to me for a few seconds I stole a glance at what was going on. To my pure surprise Jessie was in the bathroom standing over the drunk guy giving him the beating of his life.
        Part of Jessie's shirt had been torn in the scuffle by the drunk guy, who I might add was helplessly trying to get him to stop by crying and begging. I stood up quickly when i comprehended what was happening and screamed at Jessie as loudly as I could.
        "STOP IT JESSIE, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM!" But nothing I said was getting through to him as he commenced to kick the drunk guy in the gut.The man let out a long groan in response to being kicked and spit up some blood that dribbled down to his chin and onto the floor.
        "Jessie seriously stop it please." I was half begging, half screaming at him; I didn't want him to go to jail for murdering someone.
        Finally satisfied with the work he had done he dropped his grip on the drunk guy's shirt and let him crumple to the ground. Jessie slowly started to realize that I was still there and quickly ran over to me to assess my damages.
        "Are you okay? Did he do anything to you? If he did I'll kill him right here, right now." Looking into his eyes I saw an expression I'd never seen before and prayed I wouldn't ever see again: murderous.
        "No I'm okay I swear, I'll be fine." I started trying to stand up and he put his hand firmly under my chin and forced me to look him directly in the eyes as he inspected my face.
        "Your nose is bleeding." He spoke in a deadly calm voice. lifting my left hand to wipe my nose I noticed a small amount of blood smeared on my fingers on my fingers.
        "I must have bumped it when I fell down, I'll be fine, please stop touching me." I firmly pushed his hand away from my face and turned my head away from him. I silently observed that his knuckles were covered in blood and thick black bruises were starting to form, I was still shell shocked that he had even come to my rescue at all.
       
        As I miserably attempted to walk out on my own I realized I had smashed my knee worse than I thought and couldn't fully put any weight on it. Relenting to Jessie I allowed him to help me into the other room. His strong arms worked effortlessly to hold me up as we slowly made our way down the hallway to Austin's room, I could see his chest muscles clearly through the rip in his shirt as he took long angry breaths.
        "Who the fuck was that guy anyways, do you know him?"He asked anger still in his voice.
        "No, I don't know him. It's not common for people you know to attack you in small bathrooms. How did you know I was in there?" The confusion was clear in my voice and I wasn't letting him get away without answering me.
        "I followed you up to make sure nothing happened to you when I heard the guys at the top of stairs talking about what their friend was about to do to you." His voice slowly petered off as he reached the end of his sentence. His answer surprised me and disgusted me all at the same time. Why would he care what happened to me if he barely knew me, and why was he following me to the bathroom?
       
        As we made our way to Austin's room I glanced down and noticed two things, one my buzz was definitely starting to return as the shock was wearing off, and two my chest was basically fully exposed on the left side. The key to my dorm room was thankfully still hanging from the long chain around my neck but sadly the strap on my dress must have ripped during the struggle.
        "Jordan's going to kill me, I ripped her favorite dress." I tried to pull the fabric up in an effort to cover myself up more but it was useless.
        "I think your life and dignity are worth more than one crappy dress. I'll pay to replace it for her." He said softly.
        When we finally made it to Austin's room he sat me gently down on the bed. "Do you want my jacket so you can cover up better?" He glanced at the exposed part of my chest and frowned.
        "Yeah I might as well". Looking down I tried to inspect myself closer to see how much damage I had actually taken. From my perspective I wasn't in terrible shape, after all I had taken beatings a lot worse from my foster father when I was considerably younger.
        "How bad does your knee hurt? Do you think you need to go to a doctor?" I tried a test flex on my knee and winced. "Here let me look at it, my moms a doctor so I've learned a little over the years."
        Crossing the room he knelt down before me and carefully held my injured knee In his hands, they felt gentle and warm as pressed and poked the injured area. I could smell a mix of alcohol and expensive cologne on his clothes and it oddly helped me relax as he assessed my injuries. He inadvertently began moving his warm hands farther up my leg as he helped me straighten and bend my knee, the warmth on my upper thigh made me want to squirm in a good way.
        "I don't think you hurt anything important, it just looks like a very deep bruise. Make sure you ice it tonight, ten minutes on and then ten minutes off." Looking up at me from his kneeling position he gazed directly into my eyes. His stare was intense but in a good way, my fingers itched to brush away the hair that had fallen into his beautiful face. As my eyes started to wander around his features and body, my hands started to wander around his chest. The tequila was making me bolder than I usually was, I knew the consequences of what I was about to do but I couldn't stop myself.
        I could feel each individual muscle in Jessie's chest and my hands ached to explore more of the attractive man kneeling before me.
        "What are you doing?" He asked me in a small whisper before he started to unconsciously slide his warm hands farther up and between my thighs, I closed my eyes and sighed loudly in a welcoming way before I reached a moment of clarity.
       
        "Stop." I said and he abruptly pulled his hands off me, I knew leading him on would only bring bad things my way. I had vowed a long time ago I wasn't interested in anyone and I wasn't about to let someone as beautiful as Jessie change my mind.
    Before he could protest Austin's bedroom door flew open with a loud bang. The sound startled me so much I quickly pulled my hands back and shoved Jessie back off of me as I realized it was Jordan, Austin and Ryan.
        Ryan advanced across the room in a few short steps and knelt down in front of me where Jessie had just been seconds before.
        "Are you okay? Your face is bleeding?" He voice was laced with authentic concern that I don't think I'd ever heard from him before in my life, to be completely honest I didn't believe Ryan was even capable of caring for anyone but himself until just now. Jessie stood up angrily and walked out the door letting it slam hard behind him.
        "What's his problem?" Jordan asked with a curious expression.
        "I think he's still upset about what happened." I said quickly trying to deflect her question.
        "What exactly happened? We heard the sound of a door being kicked in?" I quickly launched into the story about what had transpired making sure to leave out the ending between me and Jessie. If any of them ever found out what had happened between me and Jessie I knew I would never hear the end of it.
       
        "I guess I'm just thankful that Jessie was there because I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't." The tequila I'd consumed earlier was definitely still raging through my veins and I was ready for some nicotine to help myself calm down.
        "But how did Jessie know to come up?" Ryan had a puzzled, accusatory look in his expression and I quickly spluttered something out to defy his suspicion.
        "Oh well, he told me that he went to use the bathroom but the one downstairs was still taken, as he was coming upstairs he overheard the guys down the hall talking about me and wanted to make sure I was okay." I tried to pitch my explanation with as much unconcern as possible but I could see in Jordan's face she didn't fully believe me.
        
        -
       
        I attempted to limp my way down the hallway but only a made it a few steps before I allowed Ryan to help me. Any other girl would have let tonight's events affect them, but I wasn't that type of girl. I refused to go home early and let some asshole ruin my night.
        As we reached the bottom of the steps I thanked Ryan for the help and parted ways with him. Shoving my way through the crowd of sweaty college kids I finally made it to the front door where I stopped to dig through my clutch for the pack of cigarettes Jessie had given me.
  I might be becoming a casual smoker, I thought to myself. I began laughing uncontrollably from the tequila until I realized someone was standing outside in the shadows of the porch in front of me. To my surprise, Jessie was standing with his back leaned against the porch railing with the last person I would have expected.
         
  -
        Emily wasn't the prettiest girl in the world, but what she lacked in personality and looks was made up with indecent clothing and a slutty attitude. Seeing him with his hands wrapped around her waist stirred up a mixture of anger and disgust, this was a blatant slap to my face as I pushed through the door letting the screen door slam behind me. They broke apart from swallowing each other's tongues for a second as I limped out across the porch, she was wearing the face of someone who'd just been caught until she realized it was me.
        "Ohh it's only you." Emily giggled at me, I could literally slap this girl in the face. "Hey are you alright? I heard what happened upstairs that's absolutely insane," she had turned around and was leaning her body firmly against Jessie, he responded by wrapping his arms around her waist and it made me want to slap him more than her.
        "Next time just aim for his throat, I've had to use that move once or twice." She said with an annoyingly loud giggle topped by a wink.
        "Yeahhh you're right! The next time a guy uses his entire body to pin me down, I'll just punch him in the throat! Thank you so much for the advice, seriously." My voice was dripping with mockery, who the hell did this girl actually think she was?
        Emily was either mindless, brainless or both because she didn't even appear to notice the sarcasm and dislike oozing off of me. I also noticed that Jessie was coolly looking in every direction except mine.
         
        I slowly made my way over to the front steps and sat down, careful not to bump my busted knee against anything that would cause me further pain. Looking down at my dress I noticed that I was still had Jessie's jacket on from earlier. I Attempted for the last time to fix my clothes in an acceptable way and after a few seconds I finally accepted that it was hopeless.
        The sound of the screen door slamming shut behind me pulled me from my thoughts, glancing back I noticed that I was now completely alone with myself aside from a busted knee and a pack of cigarettes. Pulling Jessie's jacket tightly around myself I inhaled the mixed scent of his cigarettes and cologne before I reached down into my purse in search of the pack of cigarettes he had gifted me. After a few seconds my drunk mind eventually managed to locate the pack and pull one out before I realized I didn't have a lighter with me.
        Shit.
         I checked the outside pockets of Jessies coat desperately for a lighter to no avail. As a last ditch effort I felt around on the inside of his jacket and finally noticed a hidden breast pocket. Reaching deep Inside I pulled out one the very same fancy snap close metal lighter I had seen him with previously. Inspecting it closely I noticed an engraved inscription of someone's initials that read W.J.B.
        Using it to light my cigarette I took a long drag while pondering who's name these initials belonged to.
  She would have loved this lighter.
  I thought with sadness as a sob caught itself in my throat, she'd always been a fan of keepsakes. One of her prized possessions was the teddy bear I'd won for her at a carnival my foster parents had brought us to, I couldn't have been older than seven at the time.
        I forced the knot in my throat down as I stared out onto the dimly lit street and admired the trees. The entire road was lined with large and beautiful elm trees that swayed and filtered the light from the moon onto the street in a serene sort of way. Part of me wished I could become one of those trees one day, they didn't experience sorrow or remorse in the same way humans did.
        A strong sob was on the brink of forcing itself out but I pushed it out of my throat with force.
  I will not cry.
  The tequila I had drank earlier was finally starting to wear off and I decided it was time to go back inside for another drink. I stood up carefully and took a deep breath to compose myself, I wasn't done partying for the night.
        I'd come here to forget myself and sorrows for one night and I fully intended on doing that. Walking the few steps to the ashtray I stamped my cigarette out and watched closely as the life faded from the embers, it was a parallel analogy to my current level of hope that things would be okay.
       
        -
         
        Limping through the dimly lit living room I noted two things: the first was that Emily had completely removed her top and was dancing in her bra only on the broken coffee table, the second was that Jessie was staring intently at me as I made my way over towards him. Sitting down next to him in the only spot available I ignored his stare and grabbed the bottle closest to myself. Ironically it ended up being another bottle of tequila, but this time I didn't even register the burn as it made its way down my throat to my empty stomach.
        As hard as I tried to, I couldn't drown my sorrows tonight and the memories I'd tried so hard to forget flooded back. They were just too strong in my chest. Leaning my head back against the couch I stared up at the spinning ceiling, willing myself not to cry. At some point my eyes slowly started closing and I slid farther down the couch onto Jessie's chest until I was fully asleep in his lap.
         
    -
         
    I dreamt of a heaven where she and I danced hand in hand in a field full of yellow sunflowers, and as far as you looked the sky was covered in the fluffiest purest white clouds you'd ever seen. My soul poured itself out of me and into her, wishing I could stay here with her forever. Our eyes locked as she looked at me with the face of an angel.
          Looking back up at the beautiful sky again I noticed in horror that it had turned to a charred black, the pure white clouds from a moment ago had cracked into ashy burnt pieces that were falling to the earth. Before I could scream I looked down to watch her hands crumble to cinders in my palms.