AFFLICTION

57 ~ [Despise, Loathe and Hatred]

LEERA POV

I'm in my bed, hugging my pillow, practically clenching it suffocating it to dead. I can tell it's morning now by the amount of light entered my room through the gap between my curtains. I didn't sleep the whole night, or better say couldn't sleep the whole night.

Louis helped me get back to my apartment after I told him I want to come back home and he stayed here until I calm down. He didn't wish to leave but I said I'll be alright. Eventually he left after an hour. It was 3 at night when he left. I was left alone. I cried because I was scared. I was trembling but I said I'm fine.

I couldn't close my eyes because everytime I did I only saw myself in water, helpless, yelling for help, water filling my lungs, water pulling me away. I won't live.... I'll die. And everytime I close my eyes my anxiety level rises up, my heartbeats fastens and I start weeping cause I don't want those images in my mind.

This was the third tragic incident in water. The first two were horrible so was this one. My mind couldn't refresh from those images from the first time too, those kept playing inside my head like a tape player.

My eyes closed for a mere second.
No one will save me, I'll die... death is so near... water and water.. only water.. I'm drowning

I instantly opened my eyes and got up from bed deeply exhaling and inhaling. My heart throbbed so loud and fast i could myself feel and hear each of them. I rubbed off my face with my hands and inhaled breaths. My body turned sweaty due to the anxiety.

"Its.. Its fine. I'm alright" a lone tear escaped my left eye but I paid no head to it. I went to washroom and with shaky hand I turned on the tap in the wash stand and watched the water flow until I was feeling sane again.

I touched it first and then relaxed. I splashed water on my face until my face muscles relaxed and got dressed after cleaning up only because I'm compelled to go to hospital today. I'll take a short leave cause I don't think I can continue the whole day when i couldn't even get sleep at night, and my mental state is utterly unwell and sick.

...............

Its evening now. I'm back at my home after taking early leave from hospital, again laying on my bed, casually wasting my time or probably trying to put my mental state and reality together.

Why did I kiss Louis last night? I don't like him so why did I? It was the nerves and anger fueled inside me that made me do it, wasn't it? I kissed Louis to make him feel the way I did? Did he feel it whatever I felt? Was it because I was simply jealous of him being with anyone else with whom he will have his future settled? Or was it because I was feeling guilty that Louis saved me from dead and practically gave me another chance to live. Still I couldn't even say a small yes to his confession? Is it even worth what he did for me? Should I have never done it or what I did was actually right?

Louis is a gentleman. Calm and composed. Always thinking about others. Kind and well mannered. As it happens to be he is brother of someone like that girl Carla but that doesn't make him any less in my eyes cause I have seen the worst already, which is fairy like Elena being the sister of Azezal the monster.

I remember last night him saying that he loves me. I didn't say anything rather I kissed him. Doesn't that give him the reply that I like him? It surely does. I don't know if I actually do. Probably I surely will someday or probably not cause he is someone who can easily be loved but I'm someone who can't easily love.

I don't see why I still can't move on. It's been years and it's not like no guys approached me after I was heart wrenched. I just lost interest in guys.

Louis is handsome and tall. Just by his facial features one can tell ladies run after him. But he is nowhere like Azezal. The vibe and nothing comparable for some reason. I agree Louis is hot but not in the level Azezal is. I don't even know why am I comparing them both cause there's me that can't stop with the thing about thinking about him in everything now.