AFFLICTION

78 ~ [Hurts So Bad]

LEERA POV

I'm internally screaming and wailing but there is no tear in my eyes as if I'm used to overwhelming with deep dejection. I'm literally empty at this point.

Everybody left, I'm glad everybody left. Elena was telling me not to be anxious, he'll be okay, before going and I was mentally jeering myself because I'm the maniac who did it.

I'm in our bed that we have been sharing all these nights. Biting my lip, I clench the pillow tighter to my chest and close my eyes only to meet his ones in illusion. His grey orbs so mesmerising, deeper than the Pacific Ocean.

I deliberately recall our last stare. Before he went away, he looked at me, directly into my eyes. I didn't fail to detect the hint of dismay as if he didn't expect me to take such a big step and despondency swimming in his eyes. Not a hint of fury or ferocity, he was calm as fuck. Not what I expected after all.

As long as he held my gaze, be it for the shortest time interval I felt as if my world was falling apart. My mind was weeping doefully and I felt my remaining heart shattering into smallest pieces. Why is reality so cruel? Why don't I have enough fortitude to endure this?

Without a single word he went with them. The crowd was staring at him and his reputation was already diminished but still I didn't get the peace I sought rather I felt the exact opposite. I felt as if I'm the one mutilated not him. There's nothing I have gained tainting his reputation and him, when I thought I can at least justify to myself that I'm satisfied because his reputation and power is everything to him.

Maybe because I couldn't prove that he is the murder of Levi yet? Murderer of Levi. Murderer of Levi. He is a killer. An inhuman. I try to remind myself to rationalise that whatever I did was right and suddenly tears flood my eyes.

"Why?" I ask I don't even know what answer is this why seeking. My eyes set on his picture's photoframe on the nightstand. I get up and taking the frame, I stare at his picture, "Why Aze why did you do all these? I forgave you for everything, didn't I? We were happy, weren't we? We could be living a good life. We could be such a beautiful family. Why did you have to be such a reckless monster? Did you ever really love me?" His voice is echoing in my head, saying how much he loves me.

"Lies and lies. Everything's a lie." When I couldn't stare at it anymore, the frame is smashed on the floor, shattered into pieces, just like my heart. My head isn't functioning at all.

And then I jerk off the expensive neckless he gifted me for my birthday, hurting myself and drawing out tiny amount of blood from my neck in the process. The lock of the necklace broke and my blood stains are in it. Even though tears are falling down my eyes, I smile tossing it on the floor like a sadistic. Then my wedding ring is on the floor too. I can't take it anymore. I'm feeling restless.

I can't breath. I can't think. I'm insane.

I stare at the shattered glass pieces of the frame with his picture, "I hope you get what you deserve. I will never forgive you for what you have done. This was nothing and maybe it can't even do anything much to you, except taint your reputation in front of some people. But I'll gather evidence from fucking anywhere and prove that you are the killer of Levi."

* * * * * *

Holding my breath, I submerge my head under water for a long while. Slowly my eyes close and relax. I feel the small bubbles rise to the surface as I exhale. The warm water is making me feel completely weightless. As if it's carrying my burdens for me, understanding that I need a moment to relieve the heaviness in my head.