carry on

six

The 23rd of December we travel up to my mums house, Harry's family will be there as well. We haven't mentioned anything about what happened, not since Harry's major breakdown. I decided to let it slip eventually, after all it was a mistake and Harry has always been so good with John so he obviously didn't mean to forget him. We haven't really said much at all since the 'incident'. I look at Harry, driving, focused on the road. I glance to the backseat at John, occupied with the Ipad. I've always been against Ipad usage for children but in long carrides they are the hero. We are about an hour away fron Doncaster and I can feel the tension between me and Harry getting stronger. We have barely been this close together since the incident. We have been taking turns sleeping on the couch. I have picked up John from daycare mostly but Harry has done it sometimes. He hasn't made the same mistake.

"We need gas." He says without any emotion in his voice, still focusing on the road. I nod silently. He stops at the nearest gasstation. While he pumps the car I go in to buy some snacks, bought myself a chocolate bar to share with John and got Harry some Haribo, or Harry-bo, as we always call them. When I sit down in the car again I toss them at Harry making him look at me for once. "Got you these." I say in the same tuneless voice Harry talked to me earlier. He let out a quick "Thanks." Before driving off again.

We both know this silence had to end as soon as we arrived at my mums home. Our families would be very concerned if we acted like this.

Once we arrive my mum greets us with big hugs. Harry's mum, Anne, is also there to do the same. We get settled with our bags up in my sisters', Daisy and Phoebe's room. We always gets their room as it has two beds. While Anne and Harry's sister Gemma takes the guest room.

John is downstairs with the rest of the family. Me and Harry are alone. Once again. "So.." I begin. The silence comes after, I have no words to say. "Lou, we will be okay eventually, right?" Harry asks. He bites his lips and fiddles with the wedding ring. Something he had done constantly for the last three weeks. I shrugged and walked out of the room, leaving Harry alone to that thought.

The next morning I wake up from John shaking me. "Daddy!! Happy birthday daddy!" Before I can even sit up he hands me a drawing he made for me. I can't tell what it is but he looks extremely proud of it. "Wow!! Thanks bud! This is the coolest gift I've ever gotten!" I exclaim, wrapping my arms around his tiny body. I look up and see Harry by my bedside. "Happy birthday Lou." I smile at him, he can tell it's not a genuine one.

After dinner that day everyone is singing me Happy Birthday and everyine gives me a hug. Then it's Harry's turn. We stare into each others eyes, both looking emotionless at each other. It's hard to hide such a feeling of misplacement, a feeling of being confused and irritated. That's at least what I feel. For the last few weeks I have felt extremely misplaced in this relationship, in this marriage. Everyone around us is cheering but I can hardly hear anything but our breaths, syncing together. Suddenly I hear Gemma clearly exclaim "Kiss him you fool!!" So we do. We kiss. Our lips touch together for the first time in forever, I feel it rush through my entire body and my hand automatically grabs his. He accepts me hand and holds it tightly. After what feels like minutes we let go of each other, or more like, I let go of him. He forces a smile at me, I do the same. For some reason the kiss felt needed, it felt like my body had craved his lips and his touch. Shit, maybe I miss him. I thought to myself as I cheered with everyone else, he does the same.

Later that evening, when everyone is asleep, I sneak downstairs to get a glass of water when I see my mum sitting at the table. "Mum, why are you awake?" I ask quietly, not wanting to wake the entire household. I can see something is bothering her. She pulls out a chair as a gesture for me to sit down next to her, so I do. "Louis, my sweetheart, is there something going on between you and Harry?" She asks softly. I feel my neck burn when she strokes my back. "No we're fine." I lie, my voice almost cracks. I hate lying to my mum but this time it's necessary. She furrows her eyebrows, pushes away a strand of hair that has fallen down my forehead. "Are you really?" She asks one more time. I sharply inhale, swallowing and biting my tongue. Trying not to cry. I don't cry often, I must admit, but when my mum asks me what's wrong I simply cannot hold the tears back.

"Mum... I don't know." I feel my voice crack entirely as I let out the first sentence of my coming paragraph. "Something happened and I don't know if I can forgive Harry. Maybe it's not that big if a deal and I'm overreacting but it was quite serious. Something that affected John. But Harry is different, it's like he just flipped off a switch and now he won't flip it back. He's not himself at all and I can't be around him, I don't want to be around him. I- I'm just confused that's all. I'm sorry." My voice is shaking completely now. I feel tears burn behind my eyelids as I have them closed, not wanting to see my mothers face.

"Oh darling... it's okay. You two will be fine. Whatever happened, I'm sure he will make it up to you. Everyone makes mistakes. You two will be just fine" She says as she wraps her arms around me, rubbing my back with the palm of her hand.

"I'm not sure we will tho..." I say, completely breaking down in my mums arms. Sobbing.

After about half an hour I go back to bed, John is asleep in the corner of my bed. He looks so peaceful. Harry is on the other side of the room, sleeping, looking almost as peaceful as John. It's almost as if I have forgotten how much I love him, but I do, I really do love him. And if I keep what happened against him we won't ever go back to normal. I walk towards his bed, sitting down on the edge of hit. I take his hand in mine, making him slowly wake up. "Lou? What are you doing?" He asks, newly awake and confused. I instantly let go of his hand and go back to my bed, lying down next to John. Hoping Harry will think he dreamt this. This is so stupid I say to myself before I too fall asleep.