carry on

eleven

We just lie in bed together. No one saying a word. Both just breathing in silence. I'm afraid to look at Harry. I don't know what to say. This wasn't makeup sex. This was angry sex. Who's going to be the first one to say something or even do something? Should I forgive him? My mind is spinning. I glance at Harry, not turning my head to make him notice, he's fiddling with his ring. "Shit.." I breathe out. "Huh?" Harry mumbles. Did I say that out loud? "Nothing." I just say. Silence again. Eventually I sit up, when I do I realise I have no plan of why I'm sitting up. I just do. My naked body freezes as it is cold in the room. "You know comfortable silence is so overrated. Just say what you want to say." Harry breaks the quiet of the room. I look at him, realising he has is sat up.

"I don't know. I have nothing to say." I admit. I'm not lying, I truly don't know what I want to say to him. He nods. He's not fiddling with his ring anymore. His hands are grabbing mine though, holding them. "Lou, I promise you, I will get better. I already booked a therapy session for next week. I'm so sorry for everything. I don't want to lose you or John. I don't know what I was thinking getting in that car and it's my biggest regret. I hope you can forgive me someday. I can't live without you."

"Okay." Is all that comes out of my mouth. "Okay?" Harry repeats. I just nod. He pulls me in for a hug. I hug him back, almost unwillingly but when I do, I feel a sense of relief, of happiness. I sigh. I missed him, I missed us. We just sit like this for five minutes which turns into ten. We pull apart. I look Harry in the eyes, dead serious. "You know this will only work if you actually get help. I will support you but if you ever put John in danger again, I'm out. I'm serious." I tell him. He nods in response.

Eventually we go to the living room to watch a movie, still naked. Feeling kind of free since John is not here. We can't decide on what movie to watch do we just put on some random tv show. Harry lies on my chest as I play with his hair. Everything feels like normal but with a sadness in the air. I don't feel the happiness of being here. But I feel safe. I place a kiss on top of his head. I realise I'm not wearing my wedding ring, sitting up suddenly. "What is it Lou?" Harry asks as he is almost pushed off of me. I show him my hands. Turns out he's wearing my ring. He takes it off his finger putting it slowly on mine, I look at him. A curl has fallen down his face. I stroke it away. Him putting the ringer on my finger reminds me of our wedding day. I grab his face with my hands and kiss him. Our lips meet, we kiss long and slowly. After a while I have to get some air but shortly after we continue kissing each other. We kiss for minutes, turning into hours, just kissing, as if we were newly in love. All of a sudden morning is here, sunrise coming. Eventually we both fall asleep, holding each other tight. I never ever want to let him go.

During the next few weeks Harry doesnl therapy sessions, we talk to each other more and he's looking for a job. John seems to have forgotten what happened in the car and he isn't afraid of Harry anymore.

One weekend we take a long walk, all three of us. I hold Harry's hand as John is in front of us. Spring is on its' way, the sun is shining and you can hear the birds singing. The trees are gaining fresh leaves and the flowers are sprouting.

"Thank you." Harry suddenly says. My eyes meet his, he looks happy, genuinely happy. "Thank you for giving me a second chance." He continues. I smile at him, making him smile too. "Harry, stop for a minute." I ask him to, he does. I grab my phone to take a picture of this beautiful memory. He smiles even bigger and picks up John. My two favourite boys in one picture. My new favourite photograph. I put it as my lockscreen. I pull him in for a kiss.

"I love you Harry."

"I love you Louis."

We continue to walk for what feels like hours. I am happy.