carry on

nine

I wake up from my trance when I hear a slight knock on the door. I open the door to find my mum standing there, with a worried look on her face. I turn around to lay down in bed, leaving the door open to let her come inside. She sits down on the bedside and puts a hand on my cheek. She wipes away a tear. "Louis, whats wrong? It can't be that bad..." She says with a soft voice. I know she's trying to be supportive but it feels like she's taking Harry's side. "It is bad. I'm serious mum. It's like a nightmare. You have no idea." I whisper unintentionally, my voice is gone from all of the crying. "Then tell me about it. Maybe I can help."

"No. I don't want you to hate him too." I cry, still no being able to talk properly. I feel her soft hand slightly massaging my shoulder now. I let out a quiet sob. I'm not crying anymore, there are no tears left. "Hate? Don't you say that, Louis William Tomlinson! You don't hate Harry!" She says with quite an angry tone. I sit up, letting her hand down from my shoulder. "I do." I say. Not knowing if that is entirely true.

"I do" I repeat after Harry. I smile widely at him, he does the same. "You may kiss the groom!" The minister says. We do, we kiss. The most magical kiss of them all. I feel it in my entire body, joy. "I now declare you husband and husband" Everyone applauds. I will never stop loving that man.

I wake up from the thoughts of out wedding, at that time I thought Harry could do no wrong. That he was the most perfect person on this earth, in this universe. I was wrong. I was blinded by love. I miss those times. I miss it so much.

"Mum please can me and John stay with you for a while?" I beg her, hoping she says yes.

"As long as you promise me you and Harry will be alright..." She says, concerned as before.

After I've went to pick up John from daycare I bring him to say goodbye to his daddy. I told him we were going to stay with grandma for a while, as a vacation, just me and him. Trying to sound positive. Me, John, Harry and my mum all are standing in the hallway, ready to go. Harry looks awful, hair all over the place, eyes puffed up and red, fist almost bloody. He doesn't look like himself. John holds onto me, not wanting to hug Harry. "C'mon John, give daddy a hug!" Harry says, holding out his arms to John. John steps back, grips himself to me. "No daddy! I'm scared." He cries. The look on Harry's face when he says it is unbearable. It looks like someone ripped out his heart and stomped on it. "You're- You're scared of me?" Harry's voice breaks as he asks. John nods. My mum is looking at us, terrified of what she just witnessed. Harry begins to sob once more, he sits down on the floor, completely out of control. "Mum, can you take John out to the car?" I say as calmly as I can. She just nods and does what I say.

I sit down infront of Harry, close to him. My heart breaks. I never thought I would have to witness this day, that I would live this day. I take a steady grip of his hands, making him look into my eyes, really look.

"Harry you clearly need some help. And until then, me and John will be at my mums place. Get help, do it for John. Do it for me. Do it for yourself." I tell him, voice almost breaking. The live of my life is a mess. "That's what I've been trying to get you to understand. Help me. Just fucking help me Lou... I need you." He cries out. The worst thing is, I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do. I know that if I say something else I will completely breakdown. So I don't. I don't say another word to him. I hand him my wedding ring. Walking toward the door. I can't believe I'm doing this...

"Please don't leave..." Harry sobs, tears running down his pretty face.
"I need you Louis.."

I see how he crawls toward me, not having the energy to stand up. I walk out. Closing the door behind me. I hear him wailing my name. I can't stop myself from crying now. Tears stream down my cheeks. Eventually I sit down in the passenger seat of my mums car, not looking at her nor John. Just out of the window, crying like never before.

I see streets of London passing by as we drive, John's Ipad in the background. My mum hasn't said a word yet, I figure she's in shock. John is scared of Harry. I can't believe this. It's like my entire life has been turned upside down in the last month. It's a surreal experience, almost like an out of body experience.

"Louis, why is John afraid of Harry?" Mum asks all of a sudden, with a quiet voice, not to make John react to hearing his name. I take a deep breath, not knowing if I have the energy to answer her question. So I don't, I don't answer her. We both sit in silence for a while. I've grown to like silence lately, it's peaceful. The only sound is stikl coming from John's ipad. "Did he hurt you two?" Her voice is still quiet, as if she doesn't want to hear the answer. I look at her. "No." Is all I say. She nods slightly, looking a bit relieved. Because he didn't hurt me or John. But he could have, he put John in a very dangerous situation. I won't tell her that. I don't want to tell her that.

We continue to ride in silence all the way to Doncaster. All the way home.