[part 1 - Lee Yoohan]
Yoohan took step after small step in an erratic way. He started to run in steady steps and pushed his heels on hard ground that was yet covered in snow. His eyes were clouded, just like his heart.
There's a lump of unresolved anger and sorrow that refused to go away.
He'd been battling with fever and nausea for days, struggling with the never-ending nightmare of being drowned and trapped inside a dark tower. When he finally felt well enough to move, he grabbed his tracksuit and tried to go for a run.
And yet when he was about to wear his running shoes, he blanked out, just like that, in front of the door. Sitting on the floor without moving, fingers touching the dirty shoes. And after a while, he'd started choking.
It required another week of healing.
He lost weight from all the food he vomited. His mother and brother were worried sick, but they couldn't do anything, for Yoohan never told them anything.
After a lot of effort in steeling himself, Yoohan went into the track and field club's winter training ground. All of them were surprised. They could see something was wrong. Which was probably why they allowed him to use the training ground.
Yoohan's feet were moving as if in automatic. But his mind had gone into blurry scenes of his past—a scene of Yoon Jay looking at him, that night, with dreadful eyes. With eyes that looked like he wanted Yoohan to tell him something.
To tell him to stay.
But Yoohan was feeling too hurtful, too disappointed to realize it. Or perhaps he realized it, but Yoohan didn't have enough courage to ask for it, because he didn't want to feel disappointed with rejection. He was too prideful, too immature.
And before Yoohan could digest the event of that night through unresentful eyes, Yoon Jay was already gone.
Yoohan felt a hard and hot lump clogging his airway. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he choked hard on something invisible.
On regret. On guilt.
Do you have fun playing with me?
It was no more than angry spite and childish pride. It was his way of validating his fear. Because thinking that everything Jay did as a game from the start was less hurtful for him than facing the possibility of Jay still leaving despite having real feelings for him.
That Jay still left like how his father did.
His feet wobbled and slowed down to a broken step. His hands were shaking, and he felt like all the muscles in his body turned into mush. Yoohan tried to force his feet to move and his mouth tried to shout but the only sound coming out was a choking, painful gasp. Everything was blurry, everything was painful.
Vaguely, he heard the sound of people running over to him and asking what was wrong.
Everything—everything was wrong.
He shouldn't have said that. He should at least try to ask Jay to stay. He should at least see Jay's face one last time—his bluish, pale grey orbs, his dimpled smile. Then he might get to feel those pats on his hair, those caresses on his cheek, those gentle smiles. One last time. Just one last time.
But he didn't.
Yoohan felt his body break down; his feet gave away and he stumbled on the hard soil, scrapping and crouching within biting cold, his throat letting out a subdued guttural sound as if he was dying and desperate for air.
But he wasn't desperate for air.
He was desperate for Jay.
He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, but the clogging on his chest and throat didn't let him. He gripped the hard, cold dirt with his hands like he could tear it apart. If only—if only he could tear his heart apart. Would it be less painful? Would this hard and hot lump disappear?
There was a shout of confusion and panic, and people begin to crowd around him.
But there was no Yoon Jay.
There's no longer Jay in his life
* * *
[part 2 - Yoon Jay]
A dimly lit room. Bottles of liquors and stubs of cigarettes were strewn around. A suffocating air reeks of alcohol and depression.
Amidst this vortex, was Yoon Jay.
Inside the dark room, the only light coming in was from the screen in front of him. Images and images of a teenage boy, frowning faces, adorable grins, pouting lips, sparkling eyes ...
The date on the digital clock atop the screen read March 14th.
The glare inside the bluish, pale gray orbs read misery.
There was a deep, black circle under that insomniac sockets. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was messy. He hadn't been able to sleep well, eat well, or do anything well at all lately. Every passing second geared towards this date spelled pain and broken heart to him.
The pale eyes stared at the images without blinking. It was full of longing, yearning, and regret.
He used to want this kind of thing; feelings. But what's good about achieving it now that it only left him with everything painful? Wouldn't it be better to stay numb then?
What good is it to awaken a feeling when he ended up giving up on the one giving him the privilege?
Yoon Jay had thought that he would feel miserable. That he would miss Yoohan tremendously. But he also thought he would be able to hide it deep inside. He thought if he acted numbed, it would all vanish again, just like it used to.
It didn't vanish.
It grew. It grew until Jay could no longer contain it. And like a swollen container, he broke apart.
"Jay," the door creaked open to reveal his mother. But Jay was feeling loathsome today.
"It's his birthday today." Jay didn't even bother to turn, eyes glued to the revolving images and playing videos.
"You can't keep doing this," his mother's voice was full of worry, but also sound exasperated.
"Why? Shouldn't you be happy?" Jay spat mockingly. There was no emotion but poison in his voice. "I gained emotions, just like you always want."
The voice from the door quieted. Jay's mother closed his eyes and sighed deeply. There was nothing she could do. She brought this herself. Yet she still thought it was for the best, for now.
It was just that she never thought Jay would experience this hard of a backlash. Awakening his emotions was good, but it was a double edge sword when it was triggered by a person. Because attachment came with both affection and obsession. Now that his beloved was removed from his life, what remained was pain.
But it was important for Yoon Jay to feel both that feeling of joy and pain.
"Four years." Jay suddenly muttered in a firm, low voice. "I will go back after four years."
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🎶 Davichi - Days Without You
🎶 Day6 - I Would
🎶 Centimillimental - Tsuiraku
Gonna write some smut first because all this angst seeped my energy
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Payback AU: What If
Fanfiction[What if middle-schooler Lee Yoohan met high-schooler Yoon Jay] An emotionally broken teenager Lee Yoohan had a chance encounter with an emotionally numb young adult Yoon Jay. This is the story of how Yoohan begin to melt Jay's freezing heart, and h...
