Just Have Faith

Chapter One

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing as I felt the beginning of my depression coming on. I was almost home, I told myself. Next stop and I can get off this school bus, go home, and be alone. My parents are both working today.

When I got inside my house, I ran straight downstairs. Once I threw my backpack down, I leaned against my closed door and hugged my knees to my chest.

As I did that, I saw the scars from the damage that I had previously done. All of the days where my inner demons could not stay inside. All those days of crying, of trying to be strong and failing. All those days like today.

You see, here's how this depression thing works for me: my mom's side is prone to depression, my grandpa has it and so do some of my other relatives. My mom was lucky, she never got it. None of my family has ever inflicted pain on themselves before. . . And then I came along.

My depression began about three and a half months ago when a boy named Josh broke up with me. Well, something like that. Sure, we were only dating for about two months, but I truly liked him. I began remembering all those self harm stories I had read and seen on the news, telling myself that I'd never be that person. But, then I was showering and saw my razor to shave my legs and it went downhill from there.

The longest I have stayed clean is two days in that three and a half months. Some days are better than others, like I had mentioned earlier. My parents know nothing of this, either. No one does.

Usually, when I start getting depressed, it comes at school in the middle of the day. I'll be in the bathroom or in a hallway or in a classroom and I'll just feel this cloud looming over me. It's feels like it's sucking the happiness out of me and replacing it with sadness, gloominess, and loneliness. Basically, it's like a dementor in those Harry Potter movies.

To make matters worse, I'm an introvert. I don't like hanging out at other people's houses or at parties because I freak out and think of all the things that could go wrong. My friends just don't get that. I've never told a single one of them about all the scars I have and hopefully I will never have to.

Then, usually after school on those bad days, I do exactly what I'm doing now: cry and try to stay strong.

And like right now, some days it just doesn't work. I reached for my razor that I hid in a drawer and it went downhill from there.

I didn't cut terribly, just enough so that I could see blood and feel the sting. Then, I cleaned up my cuts and went to get something to eat.

***

I slipped my hoodie over my head the next day and headed out the door after saying goodbye to my mom. After waiting at the bus stop for five minutes, the bus finally came.

I got on, sat down, and pulled out my phone. After I plugged my earbuds in, I turned on some music. I prefer not to listen to annoying sixth graders before seven o'clock in the morning, thank you.

Usually, no one sits by me in the morning and that's just the way I like it. I don't have to talk to anyone. And, if someone does happen to sit next to me, I just continue listening to my music.

But, today was one of those days where someone sat by me.

I recognized him as I moved over. Brown hair, bright blue eyes, tan skin. His name was Nick and my friends crushed on him like crazy. Me on the other hand? No way, I don't even try to crush on guys or try to have a guy like me because who would like a girl who doesn't even like herself?

My music continued playing, the mixture of pop and rock waking me up before I had to face another stressful day of sophomore year.

That's another thing about me. I don't know how to deal with stress very well. Most of the time, I just curl up in my room and cry. This leads to me possibly doing something I'll regret.