CEO's Orders

33 guilt

E u n s e o

Whall Island 52 was not the typical sandy shore and palm tree covered paradise that you'd see as a background for a soju commercial. It was far from that, to the point that I'm confused which between us: the ocean and me, have heavier depression. Instead of fine sand, the shore was made up of rocks and boulders that look like giant pebbles, though there's sand the pebbles still outnumbered them. The water always looked grey or smoked turquoise, obviously far from the usual pacific blue. And even if the sun was out scorching above our heads, the coldness never ceased to leave and the waters never change hue, as if it had its own weather. At first, I wished the ocean could've looked summery so that I'll stop thinking that its "gloominess" developed only to dote on me but I've realized that 1. It's pointless building stereotypes against a lovely place just because I was miserable, 2. I actually like the cold ocean as it is peaceful and comforting and 3. No sunburns. 

It's been three and a half months since the incident. Taehyung suggested that I drop out of college but I insisted that I can't, after all, I'm not getting any younger and I might regret wasting this time so he signed me up for online classes, in which he made it very obvious that he didn't like the idea of me encountering with strangers online. As for Mori, her mom, Mrs. Yamashi Saeko  and brother, Yamashi Jiro, came three weeks ago and three days from now, they're expected to fly back to Japan. Her mom was older than I expected in mind, like similar to Mr. Go's age. Her mom is sweet and loves brewing tea that she brought with her from Japan.  Handsome was an understatement for Mori's brother. Though she once mentioned his brother took modelling as a sideline but I never expected he'd look godly. 

He have dark hair like Mori but he's taller, probably the same as Taehyung but he is more slender. He never really talks a lot, but it's obvious that he likes the ocean. Everyday he goes out to the shore and scavenges the rocks. He brings his sling bag with him as well as his camera. Mori said that her brother is currently taking marine biology which is why Jiro always go out in the sea. Sometimes we go with him, of course only after Mori keeps pressing his brother to bring us with him, to get some fresh air and some outside time. The sea shore is the farthest place we've been out since and we're still scared to go outside the property even if there are many fishermen outside. Jungkook said that these "fishermen" are here to protect us, though I asked where they came from, he said that it's better not to tell. 

Tomorrow, Taehyung and and Jimin are gonna take us to the main town to look for a Christmas tree. Our therapist suggested that we should go out somewhere there are few people. Though me and Mori are not yet ready, the therapist said that if we keep on hiding we might never be able to overcome our trauma. We've actually been there before, only that, we stayed in the car and just looked outside the window. And the trip wasn't the best since the windows were tinted and the sun was too bashful to get out of the clouds that day.

The whole time I've been stuck in this place, I never seen Hoseok. I tried asking Taehyung once and all he said that he's probably busy handling the company. Taehyung thought he could hide the gloomy, stiff undertone of his voice. I know something happened between them, but it's not my business to nose in. It's not just Hoseok, Yoongi too but his reason is understandable. Kyung Mi is in her final trimester which of course, as a husband, it's his obligation to stay beside her 24/7. Out of nowhere, a vibration scrabbled on my lap that it triggered my fight or flight reaction making me jump up; the paint palette that I was holding splattered straight down on the floor. It was just Taehyung calling. I picked up the phone and answered, his voice can be heard from the other line. "Eunseo." 

"Yes, Tae?" I replied, crouching down on the floor picking up the palette and brought it with me down in the kitchen to rinse the messed up pigments. "You're not allergic of peanuts right?" As he spoke, I can hear distant noises from the other line. He must be outside. 

"Not that I remember, why did you ask?" I shook the remaining moisture off from the palette then reached for some napkins to wipe the palette and took a handful to clean the mess I made upstairs. "Good then. I just got off from work and saw a lot of people across the bakery. Found out their holiday cakes are famous but they ran out of strawberry shortcake, so I bought this chocolate peanut cake roll and... what's this again? ah, cherry velvet." 

"You didn't have to bother." I said, flimsily scrubbing the paint off the floor. Cheeks hot. 

"It's almost Christmas, and it would be nice to have a little celebration with you, the other hyungs, and Mori's family. They said they'd be leaving this Wednesday right?" The sounds surrounding him slowly weakens as I hear the car door thud. "Yeah, Mori's grandmother is in Japan all alone." 

"Shit." He whispered all of a sudden making me nervous. "Tae, what happened? Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, my phone's running out of battery. I left my charger there, let's continue to talk when I get home okay?"

"Oh, okay."

"I love you, Eunseo."

"I.. love you too." I replied and ended the call right away. Somehow, we started getting intimate. Like we're real lovers and I'm tempted to ask him that I can feel the question at the tip of my tongue but every time I attempt to ask him, it's like my courage get's drained below my knees making them weak. Perhaps I'm scared that if the answer he might give me is not the one I'm expecting. And though my love for him is certain, fear washes it like a pencil eraser; it fades but never gone completely. 

After wiping the rest of the paint off, I stood up and frowned at the object in front of me. A noticeable streak of red paint splattered at the bottom of the canvas. The white and pink tulips I painted looked like it got splashed with blood. The realization that the paint looked like blood made me want to puke, scared even. I wiped the still wet paint with the used napkins I was holding but the smear made it worse than before and now my mind totally ascended and the numbness started crawling from my fingertips. Breathing heavily, I pulled the table mantle and draped it over the canvas and dashed out of the room feeling suffocated. 

The paint that looked like blood, didn't remind me of my pain. Instead it reminded me of Mori's and how everything that happened to her was because of me. And I have to stop pretending that his brother is just a quiet man when in fact he's not. He talks too, with the boys and hangs out with them from time to time but when he glances over me, his smile is melted into a bland cola and his eyes loses its joyous glint. I know somewhere deep in his mind he wishes that it should have been me that dealt with all those injuries her sister has to suffer and I can't blame him. Blaming yourself is easy when you know it's your fault.