For You and Your Denial

Chapter 6

Her days seemed to go by slower now. The sound of the wall clock ticking and keyboard typing had started to hit a nerve. She felt taunted by the slow movements that passed her, the conversations between her squad members sounded distant and muffled. She often caught herself staring at the empty desk that was across from her. Her imagination casting a shadowy figure of the blonde sitting there, and she swore she smelt a faint vanilla scent whenever she passed the desk.

It made her feel crazy.

She felt so lost and unsure, this unraveling feeling messed with her head. The empty feeling crawled through her body whenever she walked into the squad and saw that empty desk. It was a part of her was missing. It scared her, this feeling. The same grief of loneliness that she had felt when Elliot left without notice. Her days were lost in a train like a trace, the memories from that night they had bittersweet sex. The moans from Amanda played in her head like a symphony. She would close her eyes and paint a picture of Amanda's nude body, every curve followed with perfection. The light freckles splashed on her chest, each connecting to the other like a treasure map. Her defined and toned stomach, that Olivia still remembered leaving a wet trail of kisses. The softness of Amanda's milk skin that felt like she touching cashmere. She remembered her lips, like the softest pillows in the world. The feeling of them like soft cotton. Her bubblegum tongue that tasted so sweet as their tongues danced. How she wished her fingers ran through Amanda's soft silk blonde hair, the vanilla scent that still followed her around. Olivia almost moaned out loud at the reminder of Amanda's taste. It was like the finest wine in the world giving her the greatest high she'd ever experienced.

She missed the butterflies that would run wild in her stomach before she would enter the squad room knowing that Amanda was already inside. She missed the blue eyes that she often caught staring at her before they looked away. Her obnoxious laughter had become her favorite sound. The way she smiled uncannily and how it could brighten up the darkest days. The way she would say her name, soft and angelic like; it would make her heart skip a beat.

Olivia missed her, and she hated herself for that. This wasn't who she was, this overwhelming feeling of want and need to be with the blonde was nothing more that a figment of her imagination. Misinterpretation of something else, what that something else was; she wasn't sure, nor she did care to know. One thing she knew for sure was that she wasn't gay. That she wasn't falling for another woman. It was nothing more than one night of pure lust, the need to feel something. The feeling of not wanting to be alone. It wasn't supposed to turn into this turmoil that began a war inside of her. It made her sick. The thought of Amanda's lips on her body turned her stomach, but like some sick cosmetic joke, it made her feel so good at that thought. How did it end up like this?

Brian. Brian is who she was meant to be with. He had come back into her life for a second chance to rekindle what they had all those years ago. He was everything Olivia could have ever wanted in a man, and so much more. So these unsettling feelings and thoughts that run through her head were unnatural, they weren't right. Disgusting. Every morning Olivia would run a hot shower and roughly scrub away every inch of her body that Amanda had touched in her vivid dreams, she had to cleanse herself from these unsettling feelings. She had to remove every thought of the blonde, every imagines that played in her head, and shut out the voices that reminded her of the blonde.

She felt sick, a golf ball size of heat was crawling up her throat. Nausea flushed over her, the vile taste invaded her taste buds. Olivia jumped out of her desk chair. She felt eyes follow her as she ran down the hall. Running into the nearest toilet, she dropped to her knees, and her head met the porcelain pot. Her stomach clenched and her back tensed up at the pressure that came from inside of her, rejecting the soup she had earlier. Warm tears ran down her cheeks as this battle between herself had become more violent.

After a couple of minutes, her body began to calm down, and the vile taste had vanished. Olivia sat on the tiled bathroom floor with her back up against the stall. Suddenly, without any warning, she broke. Her shoulders shook up and down as her chest tightened. The loud and painful sobs that came out of her scared her. She hadn't cried this hard since the loss of her mother. She was terrified of what she had become, scared of the raw emotion that had sprung inside of her. Lost, confusion and hate had broken her.

Olivia cried as the war inside both her head and body continued.