For You and Your Denial

Chapter 4

Monday morning had arrived too soon, but fortunately, the beautiful sunny spring weather made up for it. Amanda walked into the squad room feeling nervous, unsure of how Olivia would act around her.

Two nights ago, they had incredible sex. It was drunk and sloppy, but it felt real and Amanda knew that Olivia had felt it too. She could still smell Olivia's rosy scent; the softness of her olive skin still burns on her fingertips. Olivia sweet taste was something that she couldn't seem to get rid of. It was the marks on her body that remind her of Olivia's roughness and need, the pleading Olivia had cried out. Amanda couldn't stop thinking her or the events that occurred on Saturday night.

She sat on her computer chair after placing her leather jacket on her seat. Amanda groaned at the files that had been placed on her desk, the endless paperwork that she was about to endure.

Just as she was about to open the first file, she hears her captain's office door. Her eyes flicked up, and within that second, her heart had stopped. Olivia had walked out the captain's office with her head hung low, her eyes avoiding contact with anyone. As Amanda's eyes followed Olivia, she noticed the way she walked slowly to the coffee station. She noticed the way her hair was down as she tried to hide the mark on her neck, the mark that Amanda gave her two nights ago, the one that Olivia claimed to be hers. However, her attention soon turned back to her Captain, who cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"We are going to try something new here. Rollins, you are now partner with Amaro. Benson, you're with Fin. In addition, Rollins you will move back to your old desk and Fin you do the same," Cragen announced.

Amanda quickly turned her head to Olivia, who was leaning against the coffee table stirring her coffee endlessly. Brown eyes finally met blue, but before she got a chance to read what was behind those brown eyes; Olivia looked away.

"Amaro, Rollins. There's a domestic possible rape. Go."

All she heard was muffle sounds coming out of Amaro; everything felt slow around her. She stared at her phone that sat on her lap, debating whether or not to text her. Amanda wanted to message Olivia, to tell her how much she missed her. She wanted to tell her how much she missed her soft lips on top of hers, how she missed her touch. She became lightheaded as the pulsing in her head began, the flashes that she wished she could get rid of. It was the memories of Olivia on top of her, kissing her. The cries and moans still rang in her head. The words that were spoken were far too real for them to be false. The taste of Olivia that still lingered in her mouth, the sweet flavor she tried so hard to get rid of but only remained to taunt her.

"Hello. Are you there?"

Her trance was broken by Nick's hand waving in front of her face. She shook her head to get rid of her endless thoughts and vivid memories. "Uh yeah, sorry. What did you say?"

Amaro chuckled lightly, "I asked if you knew anything about this switch."

"No, how would I have possibly known," she replied with her usual sass.

"Yeah, well it was clearly Olivia's idea. What did you do to her?" he joked.

Amanda and Nick walked back to the squad room feeling exhausted from the nonsense they had just endured. The same old he said, she said; in which the victim quickly admitted that she lied. It was just extra paperwork added to their files. The files that now seemed to double while they were gone. As she walked over to her desk and placed her jacket on her chair, she noticed that Olivia wasn't in the squad room. She knew that Olivia wasn't out on case since Fin was sitting at his desk working on his paperwork. Without thinking, Amanda headed to the women's bathroom.

It didn't hit her how hurt she really was until she found herself alone in the women's bathroom with Olivia. Her back placed against the door, her heart rate increasing with every second. The overpowering smell of Olivia's perfume made her lightheaded. She stood frozen watching Olivia, the subtle movements trying to avoid her. She could see Olivia shaking just like she was. Amanda noticed Olivia's hands gripped tight on each side of the sink in front of her turning her knuckles red. Her brown eyes staring at the reflection of herself, the way her chest rises, up and down much like hers.

'Why are you doing this?' she whispered.

Olivia lowered her head. 'We made a deal."

'And our deal was to not to tell anyone about what happened between us.' Amanda reminded Olivia as she took a couple step closer to her.

Olivia turned around and leaned against the sink, her head hangs low and eyes focused at the tile floor. 'It needed to be done.' she said in a whisper.

Amanda took a few steps forward, she stood in front of Olivia, inches apart. So, close she could feel Olivia's harsh breathing and hear her rapid heartbeat. Her hands reached out to Olivia's, they intertwined so easily without their knowledge. Their bodies touched so subtly but enough for their body heat to travel between. The shiver that rolled down their back by the simple touch of their cold skin. It was an unknown force that magnetized them as they leaned closer into their touch. Amanda's eyes studied Olivia while her hand reached to her brown loose curl, brushing it behind Olivia's ear before she allowed her fingertips to fall down her delicate neck; tracing the mark she had left behind.

She smiled to herself when she felt Olivia's hands fall on her waist bringing her closer. The hesitation but the need to be close to her, the same way Amanda felt. Amanda leaned in closing the little gap between, their foreheads touching. Their lips so close that their hot breath fell on top their upper lips.

"Tell me to stop." Amanda breathes out as her eyes searched for Olivia's.

She waited and expected for Olivia to push her away from her hold but instead her blue eyes found Olivia's. Everything stopped spinning, time went slow. The only sound they heard were the sound of their heartbeats. The vibration of their electricity flood through them, goosebumps rose instantly on their bare skin. The mix of the vanilla and rose scent made them dizzy, their lightheaded feeling made them clutch onto each other tight, so they wouldn't fall.

And like some sort of force their lips found the other. Amanda's lips parted allowing Olivia tongue to claim hers, the sweet flavor she craved. Amanda buckle at the vibration of Olivia's moan when their tongues met. Her fingertips traced the back of Olivia's neck as her hand fell behind the back of her head, holding on to the brown curls has she pulled Olivia closer. Their tongue danced as Olivia's hands crept under Amanda's top, she moaned at her soft cold skin on her warm fingertips. She smiled to herself when she felt goosebumps that rose from at her touch.

'I miss you.' Amanda whispered between the kiss.

She winced when she back her the bathroom stall. Confused at what had happened, she stepped closer to Olivia but only to be pushed away again. She stood breathless and confused as she watched Olivia wipe her lips. Her body language doing a complete one-eighty.

'I can't do this.'

Amanda felt held down, she couldn't move. She wanted to walk over to Olivia, but she couldn't find the energy. Within those four words, her entire world stood frozen. She couldn't speak. Her eyes watered at the sight of Olivia's disgusted. Hurt, guilt and shame waved through her, she had fallen for someone who would never love her back. But something deep down she knew and hoped Olivia felt the same. Their kiss was real, the electricity that shocked within them was real. The matching beat of their hearts was real. This was real.

'I'm sorry.' Olivia added.

Olivia brushed past Amanda as she walked out of the bathroom. She headed to the nearest empty integration room, closing the door behind her. Pacing back and forth trying to not breakdown. She fell defeated. The tears she held for so long broke through. Her heart was aching. The room spun around her, the memories of Saturday night kept replaying in her head. Everything that had happened moments ago replayed. The vanilla scent still lingered on her, the sweet taste of Amanda's lips stayed with her. The simple soft touch still burned her skin. Olivia sat on the end of the desk clutching onto her chest, her head became foggy with lost and confusion. These feelings that negated her sense of reality, it had shaken everything that had felt right for so long.