I'm starting to feel something close to impending doom.
I don't know if it's the heat rising or something in the air, but something feels wrong. I don't like it.
Also, I want some answers. How hard is it to love someone? Does it depend on the person? If my love isn't unconditional all the fucking time, is it something wrong with me? The person in question? Or can it all be chalked up to hormones and a young brain? If having a crush or a little thing for someone gives me so much anxiety and dread, is it that person's fault or mine? Is it mine for thinking i'm going to ruin yet another thing for us? I hate it, I hate it, but yet I want to have unconditional love for someone, and I believe that I do, it's just hard to maintain. I want to pine for someone without hating them or me for it. I want to want love and not feel gross or disgusting when i'm getting it. I do want love, I crave it, I love love. But it sucks when even the littlest thing can make me overthink so much to the point where i'm either filled with dread or just back out of it completely. And referring back to my last entry, I do love affection, when I work up enough nerve to actually give and/or receive it. I love being held, kissed on the cheek, being rubbed on the back, but sometimes i'm so scared of it.
I don't know who to blame those feelings on, in fact, I don't know what to blame anything on. But dread, I can pinpoint dread so clearly. I know if it's about a specific assignment, person, food i just ate, or literally a time of the day. But I can't pinpoint my embarrassment, or any other emotions for that matter. I constantly think I have my life figured out, but I don't. It's currently always a jumble of every single emotion, event, or crisis to ever exist in the history of the world. But some part of me hopes that, just maybe, it'll all go away when school ends. Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking.
The recap for today and yesterday was boring. So there won't be one.
No songs sound right at the moment, so I can't choose a song/lyric of the day. Sorry.
I also need to wake up early in the morning, so goodnight.
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A Self Absorbed Telling of Life
RandomA project for my life as I go on, told through very real, very messy entries from a young teenager. Today in class, I thought, "What would I leave behind if I died today?" and "How long would it take for people to forget that I was ever there in the...
