I just want to be engulfed in a big hug where the person doesn't let go and just, holds on, and then we eventually sit down, still in the hug, and then I drift off to a comfortable sleep for the first time in a while.
That's all I want right now, oh, I also want school to be over.
Now, I don't want that incredibly drawn out hug, (basically coddle), because I'm lonely per say. I just want it for comfort, I want someone to pat my back and say that I'll be okay. It's the comfort I want, but get too scared to ask sometimes. And sometimes, I'd much rather put my head down on a desk and bounce my leg for a while rather than telling people how I actually feel with what's going on at the moment. OR, I could just curl up on a very uncomfortable sofa chair that just so happens to be in the school costume closet and fall asleep there. Not equally as soothing but it can get the job done.
Once school is over though, it will basically feel like that long hug i've been craving.
I've slowly figured out that this summer, NOTHING will worry me. I've took a while to reflect on all of my anxiety from the past couple of months, and no surprise, almost ALL of it stems from SCHOOL! Who could've known? Anyways, I'm just so excited for summer, but there's so much in these two and a half weeks to get done. I'm just praying that something doesn't go wrong.
But other than that, the big thing on my mind at the moment is more of a cooler fascination than anything. I've been thinking to myself more and more recently, what if my friends kept journals just like this one, and none of us knew? What would they look like? How would they feel? Could you read the entries in their voice and have it feel completely natural? Can people read this in my voice and feel natural as well? Or do I sound fake? I've been distracting myself with my friend's fake writings in my head, who would they talk about? What would they vent about?
I read these little things in their voice and it gives me a fuzzy feeling to think about it. My friends just give me that feeling in general, cheesy I know, but i love them. They feel more like my siblings than anything, no matter how mad we get, how many fights start, we never leave each other. Partially because we're all each other has at school. But I've been thinking, I don't think I would move friend groups even if I had the chance, nobody at that damn school sounds appeasing. Sometimes my friends get on my nerves so much that I literally want to break a bundle of pencils in half, or do something worse, but I still wouldn't sit with other people, not even for a day. I don't think i would fit in as well as i do at my table. Which is comforting? In a sense? But it's also scary seeing how we're going to high school soon, and it's going to be one hell of a..something. It will definitely be something, that's for sure.
My sleep hasn't been the best lately. Maybe it's because of all the stuff on my bed or the fact that I can't really breathe out of my nose, or something else like that. But man it has been shit, I go to bed tired, wake up tired, get through the day, getting more tired as it goes on, i get home and can barely keep my eyes open. So i've been resorting to caffeine, and we all know what that does to people.
Song of the day: When the Chips are Down from Hadestown; no reason really, but I like dancing to it.
Song LYRIC of the night: "You better love me, because you're just a clone." from COPYCAT by Billie Eilish.
You ever get that feeling that someone is copying everything you do, but the things are so little that you feel insane for even thinking it? But the very fact that the things are so minuscule just convinces you even more? Yeah. That's what that feeling's like. It's so annoying, and you lowkey feel like a BITCH because it's rude to assume, but you're convinced and don't want to tell anyone just in case you're crazy. And YOU'RE the copycat, not them.
A bit shorter than I would like, but that's okay! Goodnight y'all, I have another state test tomorrow and need some sleep :))
-Hailey, Hailey?? 14
YOU ARE READING
A Self Absorbed Telling of Life
RandomA project for my life as I go on, told through very real, very messy entries from a young teenager. Today in class, I thought, "What would I leave behind if I died today?" and "How long would it take for people to forget that I was ever there in the...
