There are many ways I wanted to start this entry, but because we have to makeup for three days worth of thoughts and happenings. I'll just start with the introduction from Friday.
There's a lot of things I dread. (some abnormal, some not)
I dread competition, waking up (not in a "oh i didn't die" way, but in a "goddamnit i have to go to school" way), eating breakfast, saying "I love you", getting old, doctors appointments, orthodontist appointments, checking my grades, and auditions.
I'm also very inconsistent. (As you can see from these updates.)
Consistency has always been something i've struggled with, I don't have any clue as to why, I guess it's just how my brain works. But being inconsistent is very ironic for someone who's petrified to change or go through change.
I can't keep my room clean, I have no routine, I struggle to find time, my feelings fluctuate so easily, and I can't find my own style for ANYTHING. Also, I currently have like, 50 unfinished projects. Probably. This is why I like this one, because i don't really need to be consistent, I'm not writing it for other people. It's my diary. It's my damn thoughts, I'm only posting it for some curious people, it's not supposed to be real "writing", it's literally just me brain dumping after a long day.
On Friday, I had some weird thing for my school where we picked teams and raced others in a weird, "team building", obstacle course. My ex's group had the same idea as mine, we got headbands and socks. And so did they. We beat the team we were up against. That's all I really remember.
On Saturday, I was at school at 7:30. Competed in a district theatre tournament hosted by the school. I was 5/5 on superiors, that's all the really matters. After the 9 hour thingy, I went to my friend's birthday party/sleepover. It wasn't that bad, except I almost fell asleep on Mer during Mamma Mia. We were both tired, and had to sleep on the same couch. I think she kicked me in the head while we were sleeping, bc my head was POUNDING every time I woke up.
On Sunday, I left my friends house and then took a beach day with my parents. Which was pleasant until I got obliterated by the sun. I even reapplied sunscreen. :((( Hashtag worst beach day EVER!!!
Monday, I got my grade back for that quiz everyone in my algebra quiz everyone was worried about. I got a 95, so I was worried about nothing, per usual, as my mom would say. I also got a 100 on the algebra test that day. (The last of my year! finally!) That was the first good Monday i've had since the beginning of the school year. That's all I remember about Monday, honestly.
Tuesday was easy, ELA was finally chill!! My teacher let us watch Netflix and pushed our major grade project back for us. I'm anxious for my audition tomorrow. That's it for the recap.
Today I had my first audition in a WHILE. And it went well!! I'm awfully confident about it, a lot of hugs and "Goodluck!" (s). Somehow, this made me think of how my progress with affection and stuff is kinda regressing??? I don't really know to be honest. But here comes a really long rant.
Certain kinds of affection are really odd to me, not in general, but just the act of it. I love affection, I crave it and stuff, but when i get the opportunity I get really scared, maybe it's just a normal part of my age, but I don't know. And as i've mentioned previously, saying "I love you" in certain situations makes me feel sick?? almost?? I'll say "I love you" to my family and friends no problem but when i actually start to realize what i said and the whole thing around it I feel SUPER weird. Also, this could just be hormones, i would never know. I doubt this has anything to do with my sexuality or stuff either (like aro/aroace stuff). I love affection, and warm up to it very easily, but the thought of it and leading up to it makes me feel flushed. I also feel flushed when I question if I ruined the meaning of the words "I love you" forever.
Song Lyric of the night: "I contend that your drinking eye has never opened."
Song(s) of the night: Cold Weather by glass beach and The Record Player Song by Daisy the Great
The lyric isn't very significant, but the songs means a lot in recent times. Just missing ANYONE (friend, ex, family member etc.) Is something i'm not new to, but the song really has that bittersweet presentation that makes the longing much more apparent, and, though the meaning of TRPS isn't confirmed, it makes me wonder if i'm forgetting myself and who I am. But, if i do suggest that I'm slipping away into something else, will I just justify it by "growing up"? probably. This comes back to my inconsistency rant, how am I supposed to actually know myself through these entries if all I want is what i'm deathly scared of? Do I actually know myself? Am I just lying about who I am? Yeah, no shit, I know i'm going through changes, but some of these "changes" seem to be too much. Also, is not recognizing yourself a good thing or a bad thing? I would really like the answer to that one.
Sorry for literally one of the most negative pieces of writing in my life, but it's been a negative and stressful past few days. Not to say there weren't good parts, I loved the weekend and seeing my school friends. But there's just a lot on my mind. Literally all the time, but, i will admit that this has helped TREMENDOUSLY. Just getting my thoughts out somewhere is cool :)). And there's even more, that's not in this entry. But i'll try including that in the next page.
Bye! I got a test tomorrow, gotta get some sleep.
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A Self Absorbed Telling of Life
De TodoA project for my life as I go on, told through very real, very messy entries from a young teenager. Today in class, I thought, "What would I leave behind if I died today?" and "How long would it take for people to forget that I was ever there in the...
