Random Joke Stories

TarQ [Splatoon 2]

Metro (TarQ) - PART 2

I had yelled back to Tartar to meet me tomorrow at Moray Towers. (Well, not the real ones, but we had a truce with DJ Octavio and he said that we could use his replicas of the Moray Towers.) And...it is tomorrow.

I was nervous. I didn't "like-like" Tartar. But was he really serious? 

And then there he was. He sat down. I decided to make some small talk. 

"Wow, this sure is a nice parking garage!" I said. Tartar looked at me, confused. "Wait, Octarians don't have arms. How would they drive? Oh, wait...Octolings! You know, that just made me remember that playing with your Legos one day and realizing it's not fun anymore is really the saddest thing on earth. Well, also coming to grips with the concept of time. Gradually losing the freedom which exists in knowing nothing, and learning that your friends are relative to where you are in life. Most friends only stay for a season, and usually because of your shared interests. But when you move on or your priorities change, so will a majority of your friends. That is your fate. Don't feel discouraged, even during the toughest times! One day you'll find out that you owe the IRS $3,000. Then realize you misread the letter and you actually owe $30,000. And you'll learn that Chipotle isn't nearly as healthy as you thought. Sure they list the calories, fat, carbs, cholesterol, and the 0g of sugar on the menu but they omit the amount of sodium drenched in everything. A single burrito with carnitas, cilantro-lime rice, sour cream, roasted chili, corn salsa, and cheese will fill you up with almost a day's worth of sodium. Enjoy your high blood pressure, stroke, heart failure, osteoporosis, stomach cancer, kidney disease, kidney stones, and headaches. Maybe this isn't that great of an alternative to McDonalds after all. Convenience isn't very healthy. You have to eat 3 times a day for the rest of your life. You should learn how to do it well. You'd be suprised to see how much better your life goes when you eat well. That is your fate. Don't feel discouraged, even during the toughest times! And learning that, despite all the government gorges out of you with taxes, they still waste billions of our hard-earned dollars on programs like studying mountain lions on treadmills, injecting hamsters with steroids, and making them fight, and studying beer koozies. Beer koozies. The thing that keeps your drink cold. The $1.3 million dollar study conducted by 2 bright University of Washington students was to determine if beer koozies work. It turns out they do work. Groundbreaking stuff. Then there's accidentally spending $28 million on green camouflage uniforms for the Afghan National Army. Afghanistan is 98 percent desert. They wasted $2 million attempting to increase trust between Tunisian political parties and citizens. $10,000,000 on 'green growth' in Peru. $2,120,040,355.35 attempting to turn an abandoned mental hospital into a Department of Homeland Security HQ. And don't even get me started on the billion-dollar Medicare schemes. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid paid $48,000,000,000.00 in improper payments in Fiscal Year 2018. Since Medicare is such a big program, it opens up all sorts of possibilities for abuse. It's all in Dr. Rand Paul's Summer 2019 Edition of 'The Waste Report.' Go straight this way and you will see DJ Octavio's replica of Hump Back Pump Track. You will meet many Octolings there... If we get lost and don't know which way to go, we'll just look at this map. A map is a diagrammatic representation of an area of land or sea showing physical features, cities, roads, etc. The word "map" can also be used to talk about a chart or drawing that shows relationships between ideas, people, events, or anything else you can think about. Oh, hey! I just remembered more facts! Did you know the hashtag symbol is technically called an octothorpe? Or that the 100 folds in a chef's hat represent 100 ways to cook an egg? And that some cats are allergic to people? And that M&M stands for Mars and Murrie? And that you can hear a blue whale's heartbeat from more than 2 miles away? And that the odds of getting a royal flush are exactly 1 in 649,740? And that the lyrebird can mimic almost any sounds it hears, including chainsaws? And that the speed of a computer mouse is measured in "Mickeys?" And did you know that sushi actually originated in Southeast Asia, and spread to South China before being introduced to Japan sometime around the 8th century? And did you know that a male emperor penguin can go without eating for 120 days? And did you know that the smell you smell after it rains is called 'petichor?'"

I suppose my endless rambling was a little much for Tartar.

"SILENCE!"

"CQ..."

"Yes?" I asked.

"This was a mistake,"

"What? But you asked-"

"No."

"Huh?"

"I ASKED YOU FOR THE DATE, IDIOT! THE DATE OF THE MONTH!!!"

But, before I could say anything, Agent 4 crashed in.

The last thing I saw was a burst of yellow ink.

And then...

Nothing.

And my story ends there. But I know you will remember me whenever you see an 8-ba-

*Agent 8 crashes in*

I woke up.

THE END!

Lol