Mummy, Daddy and Me

Grief is a weird thing (TW)

Trigger for death and mentions of abuse

Carter
Phoebe hung up the phone with her face solemn. Her shoulder slummed and her expression was nothing but heartbreak. I put my hand on her back but she didn't react.
"What was it, love?" My voice was croaky from the sudden wake up call at four am but Phoebe's panicked voice and actions brought me out of my sleepy mind.
"My- my dad."
"He's gone?" She only nodded the once before laying herself down.
"A stroke." She mumbled after a few moments.
I sighed. I didn't know her dad at all. She never let me meet him and Jess had hinted at a bad relationship in their past but I knew no details. I didn't know what to do with this.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled.
She didn't respond. Instead, she rolled over, turned her light off before tucking herself under the covers. I copied her and lay down beside her. I moved closer, hoping she'd respond positively to my touch.
"No," is what she said to me however. "Not right now."
I moved back to a normal spot and settled back down to sleep. She took a deep, shaky breath and I felt so bad.

"Mammmaaaaa, wake up!" I heard the little whimper of Jess which made me shoot my eyes open. She was shaking Phoebe violently but Phoebe wasn't waking.
"Hey, hey," I said quickly sitting up. Jess stopped shaking her and looked at me, scared.
"She no wake up but her eyes open daddy!" She screeched. I sighed and leaned over Phoebe slightly. She was alive, breathing and blinking but she was so mentally absent.
"She's okay baby. She's tired." I told Jess, getting out of bed and getting some clothes on.
"But it wake up time!" Jess exclaimed. God she was being loud this morning.
"Let's let her rest a little while bubba. Come on," I held out my hand and she looked worriedly to Phoebe and then hesitatingly walked to me. I picked her up, felt her soaked pull up under my hand and took her to her bedroom.
"Noooo! It up time!" She exclaimed loudly, knowing where we were going.
"I know love! We've got to change your soggy bottom."
"It not sogggy," she whined as she sat down on the changing mat.
"I think it is!" I teased, pulling her nightie up to her hips. She shook her head and pouted angrily. I only smiled and got her changed.
I wanted to be happy with Jess and have loads of energy but I was so worried about Phoebe. There's never, ever been a time where she hasn't woken up for Jess. There hasn't been a time where she has so blatantly ignored her! I've never seen her so absent from herself and it was kind of scary.
"Is Ellie already up baby?" I asked Jess softly.
"Yesss we wanted breakfast daddy but mummy seeep!" She threw her arms up in frustration.

A few hours later, Phoebe was still in bed. Ellie wasn't in her headspace after sensing the mood of the house and I could tell Jess was getting increasingly worried- yet that was only making her younger.
"Shall we take the dogs out or something?" I asked Ellie who was sat beside me.
"Yes." She got up and went to get her shoes.
"Out?" Jess asked softly, pointing at them. Ellie nodded and helped her. Jesses mood had completely dropped when realising her mummy wasn't getting out of bed anytime soon but I didn't know how to explain it to her.
"I no wan walk daddy," she mumbled, crawling over to me. I sighed and lifted her into my arms. She wrapped her arms and legs around me tightly, hiding in my neck.
"What has actually happened because she's crying and I can literally hear her." Ellie said to me. Before I could react, at knowing her mummy was crying, Jess wiggled out of my arms and shot upstairs. I quietly told Ellie all I knew about her dad.

Jess
I walked into the bedroom slowly and went round to Phoebe's side of the bed. She was sobbing heavily into a pillow, gripping it angrily. She was practically screaming. I sat beside her and crawled under the covers. I didn't know what had happened, I had no idea but seeing her this hurt I knew it was bad.
"Jess-" she cried for me as I moved some hair from her face.
"I'm here," I said back to her softly. She moved from the pillow and put her head on my chest, cuddling close into me. In the whole two and a half years of our relationship, I'd only held her like this once and that was when she was in the hospital. Feeling her tears soaking through my top made my heart break. I held her close to me, as close as I could and peppered kisses on her head. Her breathing was all erratic so I ran my fingers up and down her back.
"Try take deep breaths," I told her. I took a deep one myself, hoping she'd copy me. I wasn't used to doing the caring but instinct had kicked in. My love was upset, heartbroken even, and I had to be there to look after her.

About ten minutes later, her crying had settled down to little sniffles and she was shuffling around a lot more.
"I need a wee," she mumbled in a sore voice.
"Let's go then," I said softly. She rolled off me and I got out of bed. I flicked back the covers and held my hand out to her. She took it and we walked to the en-suite bathroom. She pulled her underwear down and sat on the toilet. However, even after she'd peed, she didn't move. She sat there staring at the floor and my heart broke all over again. My Phoebe was broken.
"Are you going to wipe? Then we can go back to bed?" I encouraged, putting some hair behind her ear. She snapped out of her thoughts and nodded. She did so and went to wash her hands. Then, as I was leaving the bathroom, she held my hand again.
She practically fell into bed and shut her eyes tight, as if she was in pain. As soon as I'd slid in next to her, she was curled up at my side.

After some silence, she fell asleep. I got my phone out of the drawer by her bed and messaged Carter, wanting answers. When he told me that her dad had died, my heart completely dropped. She must be hurting so much but be so fucking confused. For years, that man was nothing but nasty to her. He hurt her everyday for no reason and let her believe that she was nothing for so long. She had so much hatred for him but at the same time, he was her dad. He raised her, although not in the right way, she still saw him everyday, she interacted with him and he did love her. No wonder she was hurting so much.

"Do you understand how I feel?" I heard her ask, from my shoulder. Her eyes were open and she must have seen my messages.
"I do." I set my phone down and put both my arms around her tightly. "How can I help?"
"I hate him. I hate everything he i- was I guess." She paused for a moment after correcting herself and I ran my hand up and down her back. "He abused me, Jess." She broke down into tears again and I just held her tighter. There was nothing else I could do.
"He deserved to die so why am I so upset? I don't understand why I keep crying."
"Grief is a weird one baby," I told her softly.
"I hate it."
"Me too. If my mum ever died, I don't know what I would do. But I do know that no matter what you'll be by my side like I will always be by yours." I kissed her head again. She snuggled into me a little more.
"He was still your dad." I mumbled after a few minutes. I ran my fingers through her hair. "No matter how much he hurt you. He was your dad and that relationship will always be there. He may have done what he did but he still raised you and attempted to love you. You can tell yourself you hate him and I completely understand hating him but I think, somewhere, there was always a doubt when leaving his life. Don't you think?"
She stayed silent before middling gently.
"I regret never going back to him and now I'll never get the chance."
"Where ever he goes, you can always go back. You can say goodbye in your own time now darling."
She nodded, cuddled closer into me and sighed. I held her as close as I could and let silence offer the comforting words. She needed me and I'll be here.