ben shapiro cries to a can of beans about his wife divorcing him at a walmart

chapter 4- sadness and regret

As Ben and Mor walked away from Genie Santa's unmoving body, they sigh in relief that they escaped his white van. The rope was a bit heavy, so they decided to go back and tie Genie Santa up to a tree. He began to stir; Ben and Mor hurried away at the sight of this.
"That was crazy," said Ben.
Mor paused, looking at him in disbelief, regretting her decision in marriage. "Why would you go with some random stranger to their van? You're so stupid! We wouldn't have had to deal with him if you had just ignored him!"
"I- I know what it's like to be ignored. I didn't want to make him feel what I felt. It hurts, Mor. It really does" Ben was shaking. His voice was softer now; his eyes filling up with tears.
Mor couldn't believe him. "Oh yeah? Well, facts don't care about your feelings, Benny Boy. Didn't you already know this? You say this all the time!"
Ben looked up at her. His voice was quivering. "I- I know. But what fact is there? All there was was feeling. I could feel his pain. I could see it in his eyes."
"Are you dumb? The fact is that you just got kidnapped! Don't you have a brain? Or did you leave it in the back of that van?"
Ben's voice was barely above a whisper at this point. "I think I need to be alone."
Mor froze. This is what she had been fearing ever since the day of their wedding. She was scared. "Oh, yeah? Well, I think I need to be alone as well. You're not the only one of us that needs space! When are you going to make space for me?" She was almost yelling at the end, but her voice was unstable. She wanted to cry, but held it in. Because facts don't care about your feelings. She repeated that sentence in her head like a mantra; like she was ready to base the way she lived her entire life on that single sentence. Facts don't care about your feelings. The words spilled from her lips like it was the only sentence she had ever known. And it could be the only sentence she takes seriously for the rest of her life. Facts don't care about your feelings.

~~~

Facts don't care about your feelings. As he ran into the walmart and ducked into a dark corner of the empty bathroom, the words he once spoke have come back to haunt him. When Mor said that sentence, he knew their marriage wasn't going to last. He was scared. He didn't understand why she wouldn't just leave him alone. He had told her he needed to be alone. He was trying to be alone so that he could take the time to process that he just got kidnapped by someone pretending to be a friend. He thought he was about to find someone who liked him platonically for once. He still never got his three wishes. He could have wished for anything he wanted; instead, he got nothing. Trauma, maybe. But that was it. How could he have been so stupid? He was too gullible. Yes, that was the problem. He was a flame and he travelled too close to an iceberg. Or maybe outer space. He just needed to center his thoughts around something.
Wow, that was insane, he thought to himself silently. At least I know what it's like to be kidnapped by a Santa-Genie now. The more you know. haha. The Mor you know. He chuckled to himself quietly, hoping no one would walk in on him throwing his own pity party in the dark corner of the bathroom.
Suddenly, someone walked in on him throwing his own pity party in the dark corner of the bathroom.
Ben's face lit up. "Dr. Phil? Is that you? You're my hero! What are you doing in here?"
Dr. Phil looked over and assessed him in the corner. He loudly replied, "I'm here to take a shit!"
Ben was wondering if he should politely offer for him to shit in his mouth. He decided against it.
"What are you doing on that floor, Botto- I mean, Benny Boy? Get up and go do something!" Dr. Phil must have been really convincing. Ben immediately stood up and ran out into the world to face his fears.
He felt dauntless; like if he fell he would always be ready to lift himself up.
"I want a divorce," said Mor, who was apparently waiting for him by the canned foods isle. She was very firm with her words. "You can have half of the stuff. You clearly don't want to be with me, and I've been thinking about divorce for a while now. I think it'll be better this way."
"Oh- Okay." This was the only reply that he could muster. Ben was shocked. He couldn't believe it. Mor was divorcing him. How would it ever get better?

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(a/n: it gets better)