"He's not a monster he's my daddy."
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Remus Lupin never thought this was how his life would go but life never goes according to plan. He was thirteen years old when he found out he was going to be...
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Dear Thalia,
After your death I made a lot of mistakes, ones I don't know how to make better but I promise to do my very best in every possible way. You taught me true and real love. You taught me that I'm not the monster I always believed myself to be. And you taught me what I deserve in this world. Apart of me will always wonder what our life would of been like if you didn't die but another part understands that you had to go.
You used to always say, "your my soulmate Remus," but I could never say it back. I would just smile and kiss you and spin you around the kitchen, you'd laugh and I'd feel a sense of pride for making you smile. After you died I blamed myself. I told myself I failed again. I couldn't protect Amelia from her parents that made decisions for her, that forced her to marry some rich man. And I couldn't save you from a war. But then I found it, a book with entries you wrote hidden in your nightstand beside our bed and I didn't have to blame myself anymore.
You wrote, "I love you with everything I had and I loved our life, our beautiful little mess. And I know you love it too but while I will love it forever one day your love will change to loved. I see the way you look at Emily with love but also fear and at first I thought it was your fatherly instincts, fearful you wouldn't be able to protect her. But then I realized, you were scared Emily was trapping you, confining you. — I had a conversation with Lily tue other night, a real conversation and she told me you came out as bisexual to her, that after Amelia you told her you were in love with Sirius but afraid of the world and what people might say. She told me she believes you did love me but not as much as someone could. I'm not mad at you Remus, I just wish you'd let yourself be you, that you'd make decisions for yourself. I love you, but I don't think we're meant to last."
I broke down after I read that. Tears upon tears. Emily came in and asked me what was wrong and all I can see is you in her. All I can see in Allie is Amelia. I used to think it was a punishment that they each looked like the two of you but I was wrong.
They look like the two of you because they were made out of love, because I did love the two of you at one point and I did love Sirius at one point but my feelings have been a mess and a disaster for a long time and I need to take a break from them. I need to breathe and move on. I need time to raise my daughters, fix my mistakes and say goodbye to you and Amelia for good.
I just want you to know you don't need to worry about us. We're good and I promise I will protect them and I will love them for the both of us.
Aliyah just graduated from Hogwarts, Charlie proposed a couple weeks later and the two of them are moving to Romania to work with dragons. I'm tempted to move with them but Lily says I have to let her go and live her life alone. But she never let me live my life alone so I'm not to sure why I have too.
She looks just like Amelia but her eyes are mine, they darkened over the years and now we're a little the same. She acts a bit like me but more so you. You had a huge impact on her and I'm so glad I get to see a little of you in her. She wants to name her first daughter after you, I hope she does, and she reads stories to Emily that you used to read to her.
Your still with us even though your not here.
Emily's still at Hogwarts and a long time away from graduating. She despises Harry but he loves her and asks her out every chance he gets. They're like the next generation of James and Lily and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Emily also acts exactly like me and Lily which is odd. But she looks like you in full which she loves.
Emily also wants to be a healer like you one day. I asked her if that's what she really wanted and she replied with the same thing you used to say when I asked you, "I get to help people, I get to make miracles happen, why wouldn't I?" How am I supposed argue with that?
It's been years since you passed and it took me years to write this. My father told me too, he said when your ready to let go write a letter and leave it at her grave. Write everything down and say everything you needed, and then walk away and only return when you bring your kids or need to tell her something important or you just need to say hello for a little while.
I promise to visit durning those moments but for now I need to say goodbye, I need to move on and see how my life goes. But before I leave just now, I love you and I always will, even if I could never love you the way you wanted me too.
Love always, Remus
Remus folded up the piece of paper, stuffing it into an envelope and licking the seal shut. He wrote Thalias name on the front and set it on her tombstone, kissing his fingers and then the top before standing up and putting his quill and ink in his pocket. He took one last breathe, said one last I love you and goodbye, before he turned around and left the graveyard with a smile on his face.
His beautiful disaster was no longer just a mess but it held such beauty that he could finally be at peace with himself.
