┏━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━┓
The pain grows silently trapped in a
room without a door to go out
I was so tired of being patient
I'm still gonna be able to handle it.
┗━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━┛
«pathos or the appeal to emotion, means to persuade an audience by purposely evoking certain emotions to make them feel the way the author wants them to feel. Authors make deliberate word choices, use meaningful language, and use examples and stories that evoke emotion.»
two weeks passed since that day with Minho; as he had promised himself , after having a small lunch (which consisted in a banana and a cartoon of milk) he decided not to have dinner in the evening. he excused himself before dinner time stating that he had to work on a song at the studio. luckily no one had asked any further.
the following days were very busy: interviews, photoshoots, more interviews... plus the amount of time he spent at the agency...
luckily, he was into what he did: writing his own lyrics. the only way he could freely express his feelings was through music; being an idol was hard, yet for him, it meant a lot.
he always thanked his parents for letting him chase his dreams; he could talk about how he felt, in general about the world from his perspective, he could mention a past love, a loss, a struggle, a fight, emotions-
every time he felt something besides numbness, he would transcribe it on a random piece of paper and forget about it later the same day after leaving it on Chan's desk at the studio. too many emotions, too many ideas for a mere human mind.
Han Jisung was a genius, he was a Poet, a gifted one.
there were only a few from the past centuries he could be compared to; small circle of poets capable of writing about their emotions with such a mixture of passion and pathos.
who was the last person able to talk about their feelings so genuinely? when did they live?
who was the last person able to talk about their feelings so genuinely? when did they live?
would it be appropriate to compare his talent to a someone like Dante or Petrarch, or even more Sappho... Catullus? was his poetry enough to be compared to theirs? the use of 'labor limae', didn't make them less in their greatness, right? their feelings seemed pure to everyone as much now as back then. even tho they might not be real.Jisung was good at writing almost as much as the biggest poets of the history.
or at least that's what STAYs stated.
reading STAYs' comments almost made him realise that it was his hands capable of putting in writing those words. no one else's.
he was always grateful to STAYs; they were supporting the group from afar, not only by buying their albums or idolising them on social media. but also saying comforting words to him during fancalls, fanmeetings, even in private messages.
that's why he couldn't disappoint them.
nor in his music, nor in his lyrics, nor in his words, nor in his selcas, nor in his stage presence, nor on tv, nor in his live performances and in particular, he couldn't disappoint them in his visuals. Jisung was well known for having the thinnest waistline between all the members in stray kids, marked even more by his broad shoulders and thick thighs.
the last tweet he had seen on him mentioned this topic, of course there were a lot of criticises about it. many people asked how he could have such a feminine waist, that it was ridiculous, that HE was ridiculous. even tho the bad comments weren't a few, he didn't mind at all.
he used to know he had a pretty waist that both boys and girls envied.
now, in front of the mirror, what he was staring at was not the same as it used to be.
he appeared...
...fatter.
and blaming it on the amount of food he had eaten on the last reality show they had taken part in, was the only way he could take without having to blame himself again.
but it was his fault who else otherwise. it was the bite he had given to Felix's biscuit three days before? he could clearly imagine the way all that butter, and that sugar and disgusting to even think about all those chocolate chips he munched on before collecting everything inside his stomach.
he could feel the burning sensation going up his esophagus again as the brown, fat sugar swirled down. all in all, everything he knew was he had gained weight again, and this story started to get on his nerves.
«I really can't help but being so disappointing, can I?» he bitterly chuckled shaking his head. gosh, he was so ANGRY.
he nervously turned around and stormed out of the bathroom, straightly directed towards his bedroom which he entered before slamming the door. stomping to his nightstand, he took out of the drawer a black pencil and the paper signed by his nutritionist.
with his blurred sight, he crossed a big X on the numbers that in the past two weeks had already been modified from the original ones multiple times.
«fuck those fucking 600 calories. I can do fucking better.» he slammed the paper on is desk. he needed to burn more, MORE.
«fuck this stupid body.»
«and these stupid hips.»
fuck the tight gap between his legs
fuck the weird noises from his stomach that reminded him he hadn't have a proper meal in a while.
why eating? why eating when he was okay with starving. why eating if the consequence was getting fat? disgusting. fucking disgusting. he didn't care about his well-being, he didn't give a single shit about it. all he wanted,was to be thinner.
the weight number wasn't lowering, and he was furious. he hated it.
he marked again and again and again a X on that number, and wrote beside it a new one.
400 calories.
that's all he needed.
«that's all I need.»
YOU ARE READING
Burning || Han Jisung Centric
Fanfictionʚ♡︎ɞ in which Han Jisung finally manages to burn it Han Jisung centric started: a little while ago ended: 180622 tw: self harm (not explicit contents), eating disorders, self hatred, self sabotage. still under major editing [on AO3 under the same...
