Can You Hear the Ocean?

Chapter 40

"Have a good day at work," Mia said from the kitchen table. Leila gave a brief wave and closed the door behind her. As soon as Mia heard her retreating footsteps, she glanced down at her empty cereal bowl and let a few tears run down her cheeks. Their interactions these days felt as awkward as when they'd first reconnected, and despite Mia's efforts to make sure she wasn't avoiding Leila, the distance had become inevitable anyway.

For many nights now Mia had lain awake, wondering what her next course of action should be. Julian had not come over once since their fight, though he constantly begged Mia to. She had thought that keeping him away would save her friendship with Leila, but clearly it had not been enough. Leila was possibly moving away and taking a new job, a sure sign that she did not care what happened to Mia anymore.

"It's all my fault," Mia murmured.

Those few blissful weeks earlier in the autumn had been some of the most enjoyable of Mia's life. Despite the pain Julian had inflicted on her and Mia's own self-sabotaging thoughts about staying in Maine, she and Leila had never been closer. Leila had been there to comfort her and take away her pain. Leila had shown her unconditional love. And Mia had thrown it all away because she was scared.

A meow came at her feet.

"Sorry. You were already fed," Mia told Fuji. "Leila will be back later."

Fuji turned and walked away. He had at least broken her from her train of thought, but Mia still wasn't satisfied. She hated being locked away in the apartment on her days off. It reminded her of the few weeks Leila went home, and ever since then, Mia had tried to find ways to escape the apartment.

She supposed she could call Julian and plan something, but she wasn't tempted to spend much time with Julian these days. She thought about her drawing classes, but there was nothing being offered today. She supposed she could bring her sketchbook to a café, but she figured the scent of coffee would make her think of work.

"To the cemetery it is," Mia murmured, unsure of where else to go. At a time like this, when her thoughts were swarming and she could barely think straight, a trip to her mother's grave usually helped.

After a short stop at the florist shop, Mia arrived to the cemetery late morning. A fine mist hung over the ground coating the graves in a wet dew. The leaves were looking as vibrant as ever, their autumn colors sticking out against the gray sky. Mia moved slowly through the gravesite until she stumbled upon her mother's grave.

After cleaning up the withered roses that she had brought last time, she set some daisies down on the grave and let out a sigh.

"Hey, Mom. I promise one day I'll come here with something good to share," she murmured. She took a seat on the ground, knowing it would probably be a longer visit. Silently, she wished Leila was with her. Now that Leila wouldn't accompany her to the gravesite, Mia felt more lonely than ever visiting her mother, and the tears flowed more easily without Leila's companionship.

"I ruined everything, Mom," Mia murmured. It hurt Mia to admit it, but she knew deep down it was true. "Leila and I were growing close again. I felt heard and understood and appreciated. It's been a long time since I had a friend like her. But I...I got nervous. I thought I didn't want to stay here. I was afraid of getting tied to this place again after losing you and...and I tried pushing Leila away. Unfortunately, it worked, and now...I regret everything."

Mia reached for a few tissues in her pocket and wiped her teary eyes.

"This is stupid," she muttered to herself. "I don't know why I come here and talk to a gravestone."

She was tempted to get up and leave, but something compelled her to stay. She supposed there was no way her mother to communicate to her, but coming here often, sharing her sorrows, was one of the few ways Mia was able to release her pent-up emotions. Perhaps her mother could not respond, but venting to the grave allowed Mia to think.