Finding me (Howl x Reader)

PART VII TRUE TO MYSELF

WARNING some explicit scenes present. Feel free to skip paragraph 3.

It was 30th day of imprisonment. Not a single person was allowed to visit me. "I'm lucky to be an introvert" I pointed out as I wrapped myself in Howl's dressing gown. It started to lose its flowery smell and that made me upset. It was already late in the night. The moon was shining bright. I stood by the window for a while observing people on the street. It was King's day; everyone was out celebrating.

After a while I went to bed. I lied there and thought how miserable the rest of my life would be. I thought of my last boyfriend, he was from Wales. We had to break up and I couldn't tell him why. He wouldn't believe me if I told him I became a sorceress; he would've laughed at me. 5 years passed already. "Now I'm going to die without being laid for ages" I murmured. "I should have used all those opportunities I had with handsome wizards. I believe they would have surprised me in bed" I managed to make myself laugh.

As I continued staring into the dark room lit by the moon, my mind drifted to Howl, to when we first met. His dark hair, blue eyes, soft hands. The way I felt my heart beating faster when he was near me. The heat of his body on my skin... I felt butterflies in my stomach. I started touching my lips, imagining it was Howl. I gently and slowly run my fingers on my neck and went down to my breasts. I lifted the shirt with embroidery and caressed my naked body with one hand while pleasuring myself with the other. I imagined him on top of me, kissing me passionately, while I kept moving my fingers. I hold my breath, I gasped, and I cried out "Yes, Howl, yes!" as fireworks were set off. They lit the whole room in pink and yellow. After all, it was King's Day celebration.

The next morning, I woke up feeling uneasy. I knew I had to face what happened yesterday. I had to admit to myself, I was attracted to Howl. As much as I used to hate him, I couldn't resist him. I marked yet another day of imprisonment and  I sat in front of the mirror and said "Y/N let's get over with it, I like Howl, I am attracted to him. Do you agree?" I starred into my reflection. "Good, now let's complain about how I am going to pleasure myself to memories of him for the rest of my life."  I laughed a little embarrassed with myself.

Two more weeks passed. I was still looking through the window, eating, reading and writing. They didn't ask me to help with any potions, any spells, nothing. I think they were punishing me this way. Suddenly I heard a knock on my door, and I startled. I wasn't used to  hear any noise outside my room. I believe they've put it under some kind of shield to isolate me fully. I stood up not knowing how to behave.

"Come in" I said hesitantly.

The door opened and there stood Madam Suliman with an elderly man wearing flamboyant suit.

"Y/N, you have a guest today. This is Sir James Willow." Madam Suliman said. "He would like to court you today"

What on earth is she talking about. Who is he? And he wants to court me? Hell no! I stood there for a second speechless.

"Y/N, dear, don't be rude to Sir James" Madam Suliman continued.

"Nice to meet you, Sir James" I said with absolute disbelief in what was happening.

"It is nice to finally meet you too, Y/N." said Sir James. "Would you like to go for a walk in the garden?" he suggested.

"That would be very nice" I said without thinking, I wanted to go outside at least for one minute, even with sir James, whom I definitely didn't fancy.

We walked through the palace in silence. When we reached the garden, Madam Suliman left Sir James and me alone.

"As you might have noticed", he began "I'm not a young boy anymore". I tried not to laugh at this. "I've spent many years serving my King and when I first saw you in the palace, I fell in love with you" he continued.

"And when was that if I may ask?" I said.

"About ten years ago" he replied with a smile.

I went white as a sheet. Ten years ago? I was merely fourteen! What kind of person they want me to merry? I was frightened to death, but I kept walking.

"I see. What is the deal then?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Sir James replied.

"What is that you give to the King, for me?" I asked a little irritated. "I am to be imprisoned in my room for life, so I don't expect Madam Suliman or the King to give me up that easily."

"Why aren't you a smart girl" he smirked. "Indeed, I have something the palace is very interested in."

"And that being?" I insisted.

"Witch of the Waste" he said proudly. "One of my wizards caught her off guard when she was at a hat shop. She is now held in my abbey."

I gasped, this man manages to surprise me more and more with each word. That is a great trade for the palace. Witch of the Waste at a price of a silly young sorceress. I am doomed. 

"May I ask you one more thing" I said.

"Anything for you" he replied.

"Have you heard anything about wizard Howl?" I asked as I felt something stuck in my throat.

"Oh, uh. I hear you are very fond of wizard Howl" he said in a voice that for some reason reminded me of a crawling snake.

"He saved me from Witch of the Waste. That's it." I explained myself. "Who told you that I was fond on him anyway?

"People talk" he leered. "They say you yell his name quite often at night. Not sure if in pain... or pleasure"

I was mortified. I thought I was safe in my room. I thought no one heard me just like I didn't hear anyone outside. Tears started blurring my vision, but I did my best to get myself together.

"Oh don't worry dear Y/N. I don't care if you love him, I don't care if you imagine him when we lie in our bed." He took my hand but I immediately pulled it back.

"Sir James, I have to be honest with you. I don't think I will suit you as a wife." I said trying not to run away right now.

"Y/N, I hoped we could work it out just fine. I hate to break it to you, but there is not much choice for you" he said pretending to care about my feelings. "It is all set up, we will get married in two days' time" he said as he took my hand and kissed it.

"By the way, Howl is fine and alive. Courting pretty ladies on the streets." He said.

I was too stunned to say anything, about the wedding or Howl. I just stood there.

"Why so sad all of the sudden? Did you expect him to come and save you?"  he said teasing me.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I tried to use magic to run away, but it was restricted in gardens as well. Guards came immediately and escorted me back to my room. "Two days, two days" I kept repeating.

In a minute I found myself sitting on my bed unable to cry, unable to scream or even speak. I was heartbroken. Nobody seemed to care about me anymore. Is it really happening? I questioned every single aspect of my life. Is it even real...?