FATED🔞

Forty one...

"My scars have become a part of me..I'm attached to them so much, it scares me.."

Alora sighed for the umpteenth time in the shower. She'd been in there for about an hour, she knew she shouldn't be wasting water but she needed to clear her mind.

Caspian should have...no. She shouldn't have let him do that to her..she felt disgusted at herself. But then if she went back in time, she'd do the same..

And she didn't regret it at all...but she should. She didn't want to catch a cold so she finally came out..She dried up and put on a top..Caspian left the top the day he found out..the day what was left of her heart shattered. She took it. It served as a souvenir, maybe? Anyhow it was-to her-an evidence of what they had.

And she won't lie, she wore it almost every night..It saved her from nightmares. Yes, she still had them and she didn't want to go to therapy. She should. But Caspian's shirt was working just fine for now.

Her phone rang, her heart skipped a beat but relaxed when she saw the caller ID.

"Micheal"

"I expected you and Vitalè to be on the top of the trending list. Surprised you aren't."

"Very funny"

"It isn't. What's wrong Alora?"

She went silent for a while.

"We're not together"

"Well no shit..my question is why?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Fine. Don't tell me. But there can be no valid reason..you're being unreasonable"

"What? No I'm not"

"Well you won't give me a reason. What am I supposed to think?" She sighed.

"Look, it doesn't benefit anyone, okay? I can't even make myself happy, how the hell am I supposed to make someone else happy?!"

"That's it? Alora, he'd make you happy and you know it. And I'm sure he has made it very clear to you that you would make him to"

"You don't understand"

"Yes..as a matter of fact, I don't. So make me"

"Micheal..I'm depressed. I'm broken, worth-"

"-Don't you dare. Complete that word. The fuck is wrong with you?! You're not depressed. Do you know what depression means?! It runs deeper than feeling sad or rying or-"

"-Micheal. I remember my past every single day..I feel like someone is choking me in my sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know something is! I think of my mum every second and what it will be like if she was here with me, holding me, telling me it's gonna be okay, telling me to follow my heart..how she'd prolly kiss my head and tell me how much she loves me..but then I remember what she did to me and I hate her even more than before. I don't fear my nightmares anymore, but I fear the face that appears each time..I feel like a murder because someone died helping me out. I blame myself every day for my dad's death..why? Because if he didn't have me, he won't have to go through so much just to get money, hell he won't even have married my selfish mother! A smile can't last on my face for more than 3 seconds..The moment I smile I feel guilty. Guilty for being happy when so many lives have been destroyed.. I feel guilty for thinking about myself and my happiness when all my life I've only brought Cas pain..I'm choking with so much pain and I have no way to release it..the only way I can will hurt Cas and I would never do that again..I feel like I have no right to have an ounce of happiness Micheal..what do you call the if it's not depression.. I'm fucked up Micheal! My life is fucked up but I can't fucking end it because Caspian loves me..yes, I know he does and I don't want to watch him cry from wherever I'd go to..probably hell. I don't want him to shed a tear because of me ever. Ever. I still want someone dead Micheal! I want to see the guy that haunts my dreams lifeless and that's nasty..that's the same thing as killing him..I'm a murderer Micheal..." She broke down into tears. She couldn't say anymore.

Micheal was speechless.

"I-I did- I didn't-" He didn't know what to say and she? She just kept crying. So he stated silent and listened to her cry..and she didn't mind the silence. For the first time in her life, she poured out everything in her out to someone. She didn't cry in front if anyone, she never did. First Cas. Now Micheal. She needed help. Something. Anything.

"Good night Micheal"

"No! Listen..I heard what Arabella told you. I'm really angry at her for saying all that"

"No Micheal. I don't want to be the reason you guys have an even worse relationship..I would want to protect my brother to.."

"Protect him? Alora, he's a fucking grown man, be owns a whole fucking company. He doesn't need anyone's protection! She has no right to take control of his own relationship Alora! She's just talking because of the scare. She'd been through a lot those few days that Caspian was fighting between life and death. That's why she probably said all that rubbish. Alora. Give yourself a chance to be happy, if you don't, how will you be? You shouldn't feel guilty for whatever happened in the past. I don't know what really happened, but you've been like this for the past five years..at least since I met you. Let the past stay in the past.. I love you okay? We all do. Even Ara fucking Bella. Please Alora. You're better than all this. You need therapy.."

"I don't. I'll be fine. I love my scars..they've become part of me..I'd feel empty without them. There's no past without then Micheal"

"Exactly. They need to go."

"No." He sighed.

"Fine..but this discussion isn't over. How would you like coming with me to dinner with my stepmum and dad tomorrow?"

"You sure they don't want you alone?"

"They won't mind the company. My dad knows all about you"

"Oh. I guess, it'll help take my mind off things for a while"

"Hopefully..I love you Alora"

"Love you too"

"As I put the 'I' I'm stupid right?" He teased. She let out a small smile.

"Sorry your highness..I love you"

"That's it. Sleep well"

"Will do" She hung up feeling much more relieved. She washed her face. The house was dark already. No electricity so she stumbled a bit but then washed off, so she won't look like a zombie waking up.

Then she slept off..

He wasn't in her dreams that night.