Greyhound Bound for Nowhere

I keep wishing it was you

Octavia was convinced that her parent's big surprise was bringing Bellamy home for her 18th birthday. They were so secretive around her present, she told me every single day leading up to the big party that she was sure Bell was closer to home than we thought he was. I wasn't as convinced as she was, but I tried to be supportive. I didn't want her to get her hopes up and end up crying on her birthday.

The day went by fast and the party was in full swing when she broke down. She cried because he hadn't called her like he promised in his last letter. She cried when her parents gave her the watch she had been obsessing over for the last year. It was beautiful and expensive and she didn't care anymore. She was broken hearted, all she wanted was her brother. Letters and short phone calls weren't enough anymore.

I sighed, lacing my fingers through Bellamy's as the sun started to set behind the windows of the bus, "Octavia was a mess without you. I know she probably never told you that in the letters and calls you shared, but she was. I tried to pick up the pieces, I tried to take care of her for you. But it was so hard when I wasn't who she wanted."

He sighed, squeezing my hand gently, "she had you and Lincoln."

"We weren't enough. It was like she was piecing a piece of herself, like she thought she had failed you somehow."

Bellamy was quiet. I watched a few other passengers turn their lights on, but I didn't move from his embrace. Now that we had sort of agreed on what we were, I wanted to stay in his arms forever. I looked down at our hands, his skin was golden against my pale, and I smiled. He was the complete opposite of who I was and I loved that about him.

"She told me one night after getting drunk that you were the one who tucked her in at night. When she was really little you would sing to her," I kept staring at our hands remembering how much she loved him, "you used to kiss her bruises and tell her bedtime stories. You taught her to be strong, but without you she didn't know what to do. You might have been a pain in the ass, but she always loved you."

He laughed, "she was a stubborn thing, always wanted one more story, one more song. I got in trouble a lot because she wouldn't stop calling. I got the late night watch more than I would've liked because of her. But I missed her too, she's my sister. I couldn't not miss her, she's the only other person I cared to remember while I was there."

"The only other?"

He blushed, "I might have thought about you," he smiled as I looked at him, "I might have decided you weren't as annoying as I thought you were. What about you Princess? Did you still hate me after I was gone?"

I bit my lip and then shook my head slowly, "no. Octavia, she told me stories that showed me what a big softy you were," tears filled my eyes as I remembered sitting around the bonfires and listening to her talk about him, "Bell, she's going to want to herself when you get home. She won't want to share you, not even with me. She's not going to like this, even if she thinks she will now."

He squeezed my hand again, "Clarke she's my sister. She wants me to be happy. Right now you make me happier than I thought was possible," he sighed, "after I lost Jasper I thought getting home to Octavia, to my family, would make me feel better. I thought I just needed to be home, even when I was traveling I thought that. But now here with you, I realize I needed to let someone into the space he left behind."

He stopped talking and blushed as his eyes looked away from mine. I kept staring at him, smiling. For as long as I had known him I don't think I ever heard him be so vulnerable or honest with anyone. He had never even been this way with Octavia, although he did tell her he loved her whenever they would part. My eyes didn't leave him as I thought about what he said.