chasing happiness

chapter one: the night things changed

It was a cool March night. The night sky was blank above. The city lights consuming all possibilities of any stars. The night was young but I was mostly spent. I sat at a table by myself in a mostly vacant court yard a few inches from the bar my friends had abandoned me for. I sat in a cool metal chair my knees tucked up to my chest. It wasn't exactly cold but I felt a shiver down my legs. As one could guess I was tonights designated driver so going in and taking shots with everyone was not an option. I mean I could always get one of my security guards to drive but I had no real desire to be at the party anyways. I didn't really know any of the guests either. So I found myself a seat outside alone looking onto a little floor fountain made for child's play. I was mostly alone apart from a few random people. One, a man, on his laptop. Another, a couple, eating a way too late dinner. And then random people waking by. It was behind the "celebrity" private bar so security was not the issue here. I looked up at the tall buildings and embraced my aloneness. It did not bother me very much. The sound of the water was soothing, along with the cars and the random noise of a sports radio behind me.
Every once and awhile I would see my friend Abigail and her boyfriend grinding to some random tune. It was not my type of fun.
It was getting late so I finally uncurled from my now stiff position and walked over to signal the leave.
I went in with some reluctance. All eyes were turned on me. Most everyone was drunk. I went over to try and explain to my drunk friend that we had to go but she kept begging to stay. I noticed men's prying eyes on me but one happened to catch my attention. A man, tall blonde, was watching me from the corner of his eye. I found myself staring back I could help it. He was attractive.. I was attracted to him. He had a circular tattoo on his right arm and an unshaven face. Where had I seen him before? His eyes burned with familiarity.
Soon enough he tested his courage and walked over to me.
"Can I buy you a drink?" He voiced charmed.
I just shook my head suppressing a smile.
"No I'm good." I almost had to shout from the din. He leaned closer.
"A pretty girl like you must have a date." Smooth. He inferred. I turned my head to hide the fact I wanted to blush. He ordered two drinks anyways.
"Please" he handed me the drink. I accepted it out of politeness.
"So, you're driver huh?" He said desperately trying to strike a conversation.
His first question was not you're Taylor Swift like most people did; skipping the introduction because it was obvious who I was. But he didn't, so I decided to play along. I wanted to back away but the least I could do was give him a chance after he walked over to me.
"Unfortunately," I joked though I didn't mind at all. Still unable to make eye contact.
"So you did come here alone?" He asked again.
"Yes but I intend to leave that way too." I shouted. I probably came off rude however he didn't back off, he was determined.
"You're pretty hot to be single, I'm surprised."
More playing along.
"Don't be, I've maintained it for a few years now." I continued, in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Is that so?" He said with a bright smile on his face.
"Look I better go." I dismissed myself. A look of disappointment rushed to his face. And for the first time in a long time someone wanted me to stay.
"Come on Abi!" I yelled as I dragged her along with me. We were gone within seconds.

I returned Abigail then locked myself inside my L.A home in the hills. I scrolled through my messages for the ones that mattered.
First notification that mattered;
"The diagnostic is confirmed"
I hung my head low. I had known earlier, this was simply the last punch to the gut. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer. She had confided in my earlier in the day. It was devastating however not completely random. Not that I wish cancer upon people, I never would, but I had been basically begging her to get checked. Cancer ran in our family therefore it was always a painful thought in the back of our minds. But the reality never ceased to devastate.
Second painful notification that mattered;
A missed call from Harry Styles.
He probably heard the news and wanted to check in. But of course I couldn't do that. Not to him not to myself. Thinking of him was painful in itself. I knew calling him would just be another step back in the long process of erasing him from my mind. I thought of him too much for breaking up as horrifically as we did. It's still my fault. And the worst part, I never was able to say I'm sorry.
Third notification that mattered;
"Sets look great, however we need to work on some of the promotions. I have a wonderful idea I will propose tomorrow, be there 9am sharp."
I had no choice but to hire a new co-publicist. My original was amazing, but she was taking a leave of absence from family issues so Delilah Jonson was in her place. Nice lady I'm sure, but she was pressing. And for a girl who was use to running her own company, she caused some tension. Everything had to be done her way. I had to look "sexy" yet "feministic" or do this promotion or that. She basically ruled my social appearance. What I wore and where I wore it. How I was suppose to act for certain people. It was exhausting.

I replied to the necessary ones with some reluctance. Then crawled into bed in a old, over sized tee shirt.

I walked into the building at 9:01 am. Just to piss Delilah off.
"Sit down Taylor." She said sharply.
I choose a nice seat across the table, as far away from her as possible. Next to me was seated my manager along with a few of my body guards and other prep people and publicists. It was a rare occasion everyone was assembled in one room at the same time. I wanted to ask what was going on but decided against it and masked my face as monotone as possible. The fact that these people thought they could control a twenty-five-year-olds life pissed me off but I knew better than to raise my voice. Something big was happening.
"We've been discussing what to do with some of your social media persona, unfortunately it's a little... Dull."
Dull? I wanted to scream. Ever since I broke up with Styles it had my constant goal, struggle even, to maintain a happy-go-lucky persona for the media. I played up happy girl who got everything they wanted flawlessly for someone as down as myself. What more did they want?
"Don't get me wrong," Delilah continued, "your perky attitude has been stellar and I think the media has finally caught on. I noticed you're not picked on as much. Even respected now." She paused.
I wanted to hit my face against the table. I hated how the made me into someone I was not. I was not happy. I did not find myself. I'm no more confident that I was at 19 but according to People Magazine I had "reinvented myself and finally found who I wanted to be." Thanks to Delilah Jonson, who insisted I be her idea of perfect. I did not speak. She continued.
"What if... say we proposed a set date for you, you know someone who could really show you off."
Now I spoke.
"You mean a PR stunt?" I stood from my chair heated by this proposal.
"Well, yes.. sort of like that I guess. Just someone who can showcase you to the paps. Make you look desirable.
I was enraged. I looked to my other co-workers for help but it would seem she had already brainwashed them into her plan already. All there was left was to convince me.. No, force me.
"No."
"Taylor, you don't have a choice, it's a brilliant pla-"
"No."
"Taylor-"
"No. Don't you see? That's the one thing I've been able to control myself my entire life. I should decide who I like not someone who works for me! You cannot turn me into whatever you want I'm still human!" I shouted at her. I did not feel sorry for it either.
"Please Taylor, we only want what's best for you and we are all in agreement that you deserve someone who will truly show you off. You deserve happiness."
"Deserve? No, what I deserve is some freedom!"
I stormed out after that. I hated the idea. I hated that I had no control of my life. I hated that they told me what to do and I could not change it. I hated that my mom had cancer and I could not fix it. I hated that I still loved Harry Styles and could not forget it. I hatred that I could not, could not do anything.