chasing happiness

chapter nine: the world outside

Once the meeting had officially ended, I stood from my chair and paused, waiting for Adam to join me on our leave.
"Taylor, can you give us a few minutes?" Was the surprise return from Delilah.
"Um yeah.. Yeah I'll just wait outside." I said more to him than her. He just winked.
I walked out of the room hesitatingly and closed the door behind me quietly. But instead of going outside, I lingered from behind the closed door. I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to hear what they were saying. I instantly wished I hadn't. It started something like this:

Delilah: I'm sorry she's so cold to you. I hope you know it's not you. Taylor is mad at me not you. You are doing great.

Adam: I know. I get it the whole situation is hard to take for her.

Delilah: I just feel bad she treats you so harshly when you are nothing but nice.

Adam: She's not harsh, she's heartbroken. There's a difference. And I'm not at all helping that cause.

There's a long pause.

Delilah: Well it must take a lot for you to be so nice. Thank you.

Adam: Hey I signed up for it.

Delilah: So you actually have feelings for her?

Adam: I came knowing what I had to do, treat her right, teach her to move on and not be afraid of the cameras like you asked. We are leading up to that.

Delilah: and here I was told your publicist volunteered you only for more publicity.

Adam: Haha no but that is a plus I guess. She's a sweet, strong girl I wish I could show her that.

I felt myself crumble beneath his words. I now knew his truth. He did indeed think me something different and I did not know how to react. I heard the shuffling of chairs and reminded myself to leave. With a heavy heart I walked outside not knowing how to handle the situation. Everyone thought me broken and fragile... Was I?

Adam met me outside the hall and politely escorted me out the building after our chat with the publicists were over. I could no longer look at him the same. Guilt and heartache gnawed at my insides. He was so sweet and selfless and here I am an apparent mess. This time he did not try to hold my hand. We walked the long hall out the door in silence.
"So I guess I'll be seeing you later tonight then?" He asked once we were outside.
"It would appear so," I said shortly trying desperately to maintain my persona. I could see this disappointment in his glistening eyes. He was trying. Trying to at least be friends. No he was not shoving our love up my face, but he did certainly feel something I knew that now. I finally collapsed inside and gave in.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. Guilt setting in.
"No it's fine. I get it." He said understanding in his eyes. I could tell he was wondering what had suddenly changed my mood. "I would be happy to go out with you tonight though. What do we want to do?" He tried once more. I tried to act kindly.
"Well my friends have a show in town tonight maybe another concert date?" I asked. I did want to go and support my friends.
"Oh the haim girls, that would be fun." Adam said. I forgot, he knew them too.
"I will pick you up around six-ish?" He asked politely.
"Sounds great." I tried to smile. He smiled back. He awkwardly stood there for about four seconds then left for his SUV. I guess I should have hugged him there or something. But touching him still felt so unnatural. I couldn't look at him without seeing Harry. I imagined if it was Harry in this moment. He would have been holding my hand instantly tuned to my uncertainty. He would have then leaned in for one final parting kiss to say it's alright which I would insist it last longer than it should. Everything between me and Adam was so cold. You've got some warming up to do. I heard Delilah's voice in the back of my mind. This was so true. I owed him that change, I knew that now.

Eventually I was back in my Hollywood hills cottage designed home. I sat crisscrossed on my bed lost in thought. I felt tears begin to stain my cheeks as I thought of Adam and Harry. Everything was contradicting itself over and over again. I missed him so much and wanted nothing more than to fall into his familiar embrace. Oh how I craved the familiarity he brought. I also thought of Adam and his selfless intentions and how every once in awhile he brought comfort. That's why he was given to me was it not? I remembered my moms words, you have him as a partner, a supporter. He was definitely willing to be all that and more but I built walls against him. And he persistantly and patiently chopped away at me trying desperately to let himself in the kindness way possible.
I wish I could explain my situation to someone who would understand but I was sworn to secrecy. I wanted to talk to someone I knew I could trust. But the only person I wanted to tell about my lingering emotions for Harry and contradicting thoughts for Adam was indeed Harry. He was the only person I was ever truly confident in. How scary a thought that he still knew my deepest secrets. And yet we spoke like strangers. Unlearning everything about him was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It almost went side by side with the fact I had to forcibly love a stranger than only reminded me of my now painful past and a painful guilt. More tears, more contradictions it was only when I heard my phone vibrator buzz that I snapped back into reality.
"Hey heard you were coming to the show!" It was a friendly text from bff Este Haim.
"Haha yes! See you soon!" I texted back. I wiped a tear away and sniffled, trying to focus on the fact that I was genuinely happy to see my friends. And that I had to attempt to be kind to the only person trying to fix me.
"So you're boyfriend is taking you out?😏" A text from Alana soon came in. I laughed they were sweet.
I slowly crawled out of my stuff position on my bed and got dressed. All black, how fitting. I decided to go the conservative route because God knows I did want to draw and more attention from myself than I already did.
Adam picked me up around six like promised, go figure he too was wearing all black.
"Hey we match!" He said with his signature bubbly smile. I smiled back. I was going to try. I had to.
The night passed in a blur. Adam had carried me through the night both mentally and physically. I found it cute how he placed me on his lap and kissed my neck as the music played. I felt his warm embrace around me and imagined a world where it was all I knew. I decided I liked his encasement. It was better than none. And I slowly tried to recognize it as home. It was comfort. Just like it had been intended. His arms rested on my waist or my shoulders. It was nice I didn't flinch. He didn't try to touch me anywhere else. I mentally thanked him for that.
We danced to the music. Haim was putting on a food show, as always. Ever once in awhile I noticed Este look up in our direction and smirk at me. If there was someone who was in love with our arrangement it was her. Eventually the night came to a close. I led Adam publicly known as Calvin backstage where we met with our friends.
"Good Job tonight!"
"Great show," we congratulated them.
"You two sure looked cozy up there," Este chimed in as if she had been awaiting to address it all night. I looked up at Adam, he smiled at me and automatically leaned down to kiss my forehead ever so lightly.
"No jumping to conclusions," he smirked at her. We said our goodbyes.
What greeted us outside was a load of flashing lights and panicked calls for our attention.
"Fuck" I whispered under my breath. It was our first night together tackling the gruesome streets of Los Angeles. I looked up at Adam with concerning eyes.
"I'm sorry, let me introduce you to my city friends." I said jokingly though I was terrified. He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "They seem nice." He joked. Why was he so good at this?
Our body guards started before us clearing a way and opening the car doors. I thought about running. I hated this. On my own I was fine with them but with a guy... Flashbacks to when I was with Harry rushed to me. Screams of torment and humiliation was all heard in those days and that was the last thing I wanted right now. Plus I didn't want Adam to see that either. He was probably not use to this many people up in his face and I was afraid he would get mad or something.
Our guards finally motioned for us to come.
"Ready?" I asked.
"Yeah it will be fun." He said looking straight ahead at the safe haven that was our SUV back seats.