chasing happiness

chapter eleven: sweet friendships

We began to kiss repeatedly on the bed. I felt his lips press against mine until it turned into a make out. I felt his hands slowly begin to move up my chest as my fingers laced his short blonde hair. It was in his touch that he greatly differed from Harry. His hair was short not long and arms and hands wide unlike Harrys tall but lanky figure. Running a comparison came automatically and I quickly reminded myself to stop.
Focus on him Taylor, no one else.
However I could not help questioning my actions, if not for Harry than for myself. Why was I kissing him? I guess I simply craved affection so much I was willing to take it. I had become a victim to my own craving heart. I wanted desperately for someone to love me.
I did not flinch when his hands began to wander. The way his hands touched my skin from beneath my shirt sent waves of emotions though me. A feeling I had not felt since the very boy who had kept me from indulging in it two years ago. I missed having someone want me. Want me mentally and physically. His hands so soft, his lips so passionate I missed the attention terribly. But was Adam this person? How much did he want me? It had surely seemed that over our course of forced romance for four weeks now that he seemed to have grown some affection for me. But had he not done this to every other girl before me? Who was to say I was any different?
Silly girl, kissing him was not going to give you the love Harry did.

I did not see Adam for a whole two weeks after that. He left for a tour and I stayed at home with my mother. She was strong and kind and gave me a lot of advice concerning my new situation. Most of it I did not want to hear. We also discussed the horrid cancer and life. She has asked me to tell my fans which I was quick to agree on. The world was going to find out sooner than later and it was nice she left me in control of being the first. I tried so hard to treat things as normal but every time I looked at her I thought of the unfairness of it all. Old memories painful, talks about the future even worse when there's always an "if". I did not want it to change my perspective of her. That would be unfair. But I always thought of it. Who wouldn't? I could see it concerned my dad daily. Also my brother. Thankfully he was busy at collage being his senior year and all.
It brought me the greatest pleasure when my mom decided to speak at the country music awards on my behalf. When I received my milestone award both my parents were at my side and I honestly could not have wanted it any other way. The days were short and everything seemed to fly by.
My days of freelancing were in their final countdown. Tour was about to start and my life forever changed for the better. I would love to say I went on as usual but no Adam was still in the back of my mind. He had left me with a kiss to dwell on. How selfish.
I thought of him as I lay in bed at night. I could still feel the taste of his sweet lips on mine. The adrenaline rush of his fingers on my skin. I missed lust. I had none for him. But I still missed it. I missed the way Harry would touch me. But I did not miss the Harry that walked the earth now. What I wanted was no more. What I had I did not appreciate.
It was late on a Saturday night I decided to call him. I had no idea what I was going to say but I dialed his number anyways. He probably would not pick up.
"Hey... Taylor...?" I was met with a very raspy, sleepy voice.
Shit I totally had forgotten about time zones.
"I'm sorry did I wake you?" I asked timidly.
"Nah it's only... 3am here in Brazil.." He said trying to joke with me, interrupted by a yawn.
Classic move. I fucked up yet again when trying to make an effort.
"I'm so sorry." I apologized.
"Your good babe." He said trying to still shake the sleep. "You miss me?" He asked sounding more like himself. Could not lie, his sleepy accent sounded super sexy. But I'm not suppose to think that.
"Haha you could say so." I admitted. I was being nice I could tell he was surprised.
"Did you have something to tell me?" He asked he was confused.
"No," long pause.. "Guess I just wanted to say hi."
"Hi"
"Hi"
"I miss you."
"Yeah."
"So you miss me too?"
"Yeah."
"I need to sleep."
"Okay."
"You need to sleep too princess."
"Okay."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I hung up the phone. That had gone horrifically. I wish I could talk to him normally. But of course, like most things involving love, I failed miserably.

The next morning I woke with so much on my mind. I thought about Adam and our forced love and how maybe it was not so forced for him anymore and how I should feel about that. Finally I came to the conclusion that I needed to tell someone about it. No more bottling it all up to the point of insanity.
After much thought I came to the conclusion that I could trust my dear friend Selena. I have known her since I was eighteen and I have always been able to confide in her. I knew she would keep my secret and not be tempted into telling anyone else. So Friday morning I decided to call her.
"Hey Sel how are you?" I started.
"I'm good! Omg Taylor you did not tell me you are going out with a guy again! And what about the tour?!? It starts in like a week right? Oh gosh we need to catch up." She started. Talking a hundred miles an hour. She was so sweet.
"Yeah, are you in town?" I asked.
"Yes! LA right? Can we meet up? Like today..?"
"Haha yes! What time?"
It was never a thing of when with Selena always just where. It was rare we were in the same place at the same time anymore so I was grateful we had the chance.
We met at her house around 1pm. Selena graciously served me a homemade lunch as we caught up of ice tea and salads on her backyard patio. I was so grateful for her friendship.
"So who are you going out with? Have you made it official?" After much talk about her movies and my tour she finally assisted me in getting to the chase.
"Well I have a story.." I started.
I slowly began to tell her about everything. About Delilah's sudden hire. About being set up for publicity and support. About not being able to move on from Harry. About Adam. About how I did not love him. And most importantly, about how it has to be secret. She listened intently and did interrupt. I could see concern grow on her face. She did care about me and knew perfectly well just by my tone how I was not happy with the situation.
"Oh Taylor," she said once I had finished. "I'm so sorry."
She did not try to brainwash me into saying how it was a positive, instead she offered comfort and understanding. I could thank her enough.