going on vacation tomorrow
with my family,
which includes my dad.
last year,
i had my boyfriend go too
so i would have a foil between us.
i couldn't handle being around
when he brought up
his politics and religion.
i didn't think i could handle it all by myself.
this year, however, i'm going alone,
no boyfriend, no foil.
over the past year,
he's changed so much
in a way that i can't quite place.
i can't tell how i feel?
or what it means?
or if it's true?
he's very timid now,
which is a word i never thought i would use
to describe that man.
throughout my life,
he's been angry, rude,
and in your face.
now he's respectful...
and sweet and almost—
sad?
which is something
i hoped i'd never have to say
about my dad.
before all of this,
even though he was often
a nightmare to endure,
he was almost always
happy. singing and dancing
and excited for life.
despite all of his venom,
and all of our fights,
all of his repressed issues and feelings,
i was always so inspired by his ability
to see the best in people.
everyone besides me, it seemed.
i guess i always hoped
that he'd start to understand
that he'd look at me, one day, and
suddenly, he'd start to see me in
the way i am meant to be seen.
the way i was born. as who i am.
instead of that,
i got silence.
i got frozen out.
i got two years of ignorance,
watching him see everyone around me
in a light that i knew that he'd never see me in.
two years of resentment,
of making myself as small as possible,
to "keep the peace".
i watched as our bridge crumbled
under the weight of our bitterness
that we had directed at each other.
he and my brothers grew closer
and both grew further from me.
the tension was impossible to ignore.
pushing and pulling.
burning and building.
screaming and crying.
losing and losing,
winning and winning,
using his authority to keep me quiet.
i've been living away
from "home" for
more than two years.
in that time, i tried to avoid them.
anytime i had the excuse,
i would call out and try to forget.
not because i wanted to?
i love my family, i wanted to be there
but i was afraid.
my dad is calmer now.
he isn't always trying to fight me on everything we so much as touch in conversation.
it's a relief,
but it's hard to tell,
is it real?
is this manipulation?
is this control?
am i being gaslit?
is he still using his power
to keep me quiet?
to keep me complacent?
instead of yelling
for me to shut up
or that i'm too young to have opinions,
is he still shutting me down,
but with a tone dripping in honey,
so that i can't quite recognize it?
i enjoy the quiet,
i love that i can be around now.
i am back with my family.
i can see my niece,
my brothers and my sister,
my favorite cousin who is my best friend.
anytime i have the chance,
i will take up any invite
to spend some time at home.
it's hard to tell,
is this all real?
is it just too good to be true?
either way,
i'm happy,
i'm more content than i have been in years.
if this vacation was happening,
even just last year, i can tell you,
there is no way
i would have ever considered
going away for a week,
away from nik and home.
no foil,
no way out,
just us.
i can do it now,
i can do it now,
with the reason being
if he can convince himself,
my mom,
my brothers
that this isn't all
a cheap and dirty act
like a party trick,
then i can try my best
to warp my brain
and convince myself too.
