We'll Get Through This

CHAPTER 06

CARINA'S POV

-And right now, what I want most in the world is to feel a baby moving as it grows inside your womb and little kicks against my hand when I talk to our child. That's what I want, Carina. That's what I want to feel. – The words came out of Maya's lips so fast I had to push myself to keep up with the speed.

-Maya... – I gasped in response, my eyes widening in absolute surprise. – What? What are you talking about?

-I want us to have a baby. – She shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal.

-No you don't. You specifically told me all the reasons why you can't have a baby with me, Maya. And now you talk to a random guy and he gives you a big revelation that changes your mind? – I just couldn't understand what her point was. I couldn't understand what kind of sick game she was playing. – And that... Bringing it up after months is just cruel of you!

I got up from bed and started pacing the room, I didn't know what to do or what to say. What I did know was that I couldn't keep myself still, I needed to turn all my thoughts into some kind of movement or my head would explode.

-I know it's not the most traditional way of things happening... – I laughed in mockery at her speech. That was definitely the understatement of the year. – Carina... I swear I thought about it a lot, I'm not bringing up this conversation lightly, I would never do that to you.

-So I'm supposed to believe that now your career isn't so important anymore? That you won't suffer when you have to take time off work for maternity leave? That you won't resent this kid or me when you're late getting promoted or if it never happens? – I asked back, crossing my arms over my chest and unable to slow my legs down.

-This will not happen. – She spoke solemnly and stood up, stopping in front of me, preventing me from continuing my nervous walk. - I talked to Andy about it...

-So Andy knew about this big revelation of yours and I didn't? – I rolled my eyes at Maya.

-She didn't know, but I talked to her about our reality as firefighters and how pregnancies directly affected our work, I talked about her mother and at that moment I realized that I was afraid of not progressing professionally, but I was even more afraid of stop living because of my work. – She looked into my eyes and I could see honesty in them, but I still couldn't believe her words. – I know it's a lot, but I thought you'd be happy.

-I should have been enough. – I voiced aloud the thought that kept replaying in my head. Because that was the biggest reason behind my anger at that moment, Maya hearing reason through a stranger and having closed herself off to the possibility when we talked, not taking what I was talking about into consideration. Me, her wife. – You shouldn't have needed a conversation with a random guy to change your mind. If changing your mind was a possibility I should have been enough. You wife should have been enough.

-It wasn't a possibility until I talked to that guy. Until he told me that he didn't care a bit about not having a home anymore, since he would be able to continue feeling life with his wife. – Looking at her made me calm down a little, feeling her hand in mine also did the trick, she kept squeezing it lightly as she talked. And that little gesture made me realize that she was trying not to show how anxious and nervous she was too. Showing feelings had always been difficult for Maya, and even though I was upset with her at the time, I was proud of her. – If there had been, months ago, the possibility of a change of mind in my head, you would have been enough, Carina. Call it a big revelation if you want, but it was that conversation that showed me this new possibility. That was what motivated me to think about it and discuss weeks and weeks in therapy about it, just to make sure none of your fears would come true.