Cold Water

The Apology

The day before, Dec had completed most of his walk around the hospital corridors to the beat of a single thought: not your fault, not your fault, not your fault.

It hadn't seemed to have helped. Maybe he'd just needed to see Stephen; to see the way Stephen looked at him without an ounce of blame in his eyes. Unless he did blame him, a little. Perhaps he just didn't want to say it whilst they would all be forced to sit and wait for him to stumble through an accusation. After all, it seemed to get worse when he was stressed and Dec knew him well enough to know that saying anything like that would worry him.

He hated real confrontation, especially with the two of them. Sometimes he apologised out of the blue, like he'd been feeling bad about something that happened weeks earlier and only just managed to bring it back up. Dec couldn't help but feel a pang in his chest whenever he thought of it. All of these things were so painfully Stephen and he couldn't bear the thought of not having to deal with them anymore.

He hadn't calmed down completely by the time he circled back to the hospital room but had been overwhelmed by a need to see Stephen, to look at Ant who was far better at keeping up pretences and try to follow his lead.

He'd wanted to talk to Stephen, to say some of the things echoing through his head, but it had become clear that the younger man wasn't going to be saying anything, his eyes shut and head tilted into the curve of Ant's hand. Ant had looked over when the door shut, his entire face tense like he was physically holding back his own reaction.

They'd sat there quietly for an hour, Dec's appearance only eliciting a vague response from Stephen, his eyes flickering open and shut. And it hadn't felt right to talk to him even if the silence only accentuated the pain in Stephen's breathing and the gasps he tried to muffle.

Today, Dec hoped something would have improved. It was his turn to face it on his own as Ant was going to arrive later than normal, his guilt returning, as if it had ever really left, when he grew nervous about being there alone. He just didn't want to mess anything up when Stephen was already so ill. Thoughts of going back to work the next day weren't helping either, the idea of standing there as they had done on Saturday almost too stressful to contemplate.

It took a moment for Stephen to realise he'd sat down next to him, distractedly focused elsewhere but eventually startling and looking over. Dec had a smile ready, hopeful that he was feeling better as he at least looked aware behind the slight glaze of fever in his eyes unlike the day before. "Hello."

"H-Hi," Stephen murmured, fidgeting under the covers and settling again. The simple movement seemed to leave him with a spike of pain to deal with but he eventually concentrated on Dec. "S-Sorry."

"How are you doing?" Dec asked, not giving the apology any time. There was no use telling Stephen not to because he probably always would. And Dec wanted to apologise too; maybe he would even try to if Ant wasn't there; so he couldn't afford to sound hypocritical.

"B-Better th-than y-yesterday," Stephen replied, slow and deliberate about every word. Sometimes, Dec could hear the effort it took, when it was obvious that the other man was having to think about every single sound he was making. It made him appreciate the days when Stephen loosened up even more.

"The infection's going away," he offered in return, glad he'd stopped to talk to one of the nurses on his way in. Stephen nodded although he still seemed a little wiped out by all of it. Dec aimed for a smile, trying to commit to the gesture. "You sound better."

"C-Can't r-really r-remember y-yesterday," Stephen admitted, frowning to himself as he took a steadying breath, fidgeting again. "B-Bit h-hazy."

"Yeah, you were a little out of it," Dec agreed, trying to be positive, "But hey, you're back to talking now."