Silent Love

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Sidharth

My self control was never put to such a test before. Seeing her within my reach, so close, and knowing that if I wanted, I could have her any way I pleased, and yet to have resisted her for the right reasons was probably one of the toughest things I’d endured.

When I eventually pulled away from the best Kiss I had had in my life, I couldn’t help but groan at the sight of her.

She was indeed a beauty. If that mere sight could torment me so much, I could only imagine what seeing her completely bare could do to me. Would I even survive it, I wondered.

There was no doubt that she was the most desirable woman I had ever seen, and how I managed to overlook her beauty all this while was beyond me. I was bloody blessed to have her as a wife. When she essentially insisted on having her, I knew better than to give in to my urges. It was simply wrong on so many levels.

While I loved seeing her crave for me, I could only see the lust in her eyes. Pure lust, a pure thirst to quench her desire. I had wanted that too, initially, but I surprised myself when I recognized an unsettling feeling inside of me. It proved to me that I was seeking for more. For what, I had no clue. But there was something
I sought for, and it was much more intimate and far more profound.

Pushing the alien feeling aside, I tried explaining the situation to her. She obviously didn’t agree with me, and nor did I expect her to. She was way too drunk to handle anything with sanity and logic. And I could definitely not take an advantage of her vulnerability like that. I would hate myself if I did.

After making it abundantly clear to her that my intentions with her would remain the same even the next morning, I cuddled next to her to sleep. I knew she was mad at me for denying her sex, although both of us craved for it, I also knew that when she’s sober enough, she’ll see the bigger and realise that I was right. Soon, she succumbed to sleep but I couldn’t.

Glancing over at her figure next to me, I brushed a strand of hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Sighing, I tried to make sense of it.

Was it just the heat of the moment? Or perhaps the alcohol? I wasn’t sure.

But I was certain that it was not just lust that drew me to her. As I said, it was far more profound. Which is why it was harder for me to detect. I often had trouble understanding intense feelings, and seldom did I experience them. While I was open to feelings of different emotions with the same intensity, I was rather unaware of, or not well exposed to those of the romantic kind.

I was always the one to deny them as I believed myself to be married to work. It was the only thing I was passionate about and anything that posed as a potential danger to it was simply not up for debate. Which was the reason why I was never involved romantically with anyone for a long period of time.

Sure, I had my share of flings and hook ups but they never lasted long. They were all fleeting and temporary to tend to my needs. They were just a smail part of my life but never concrete.

Even for the future, I had never made any plans of the sort. Due to a drastic turn of events, I had to marry Shehnaaz, but never did I intend to marry someone or build a family and have kids. It was simply out of my path. The path I chose demanded solitude. It was, in a way, a price I had to pay to pursue my dreams.

But in just weeks did my life take a drastic turn. It was probably for not more than a month that That I had known Shehnaas, and although I never paid a lot of thought to it, I now realised how her intrusion into my life had affected me.

As I lay there the entire night, I realised that perhaps I knew what the feelings were and that they were born right when I first laid my eyes on her but was in fact apprehensive of recognizing them. I was frightened to realise and put a name on them. The bundle of immense affection poured
out of me, which was what held me back in the first place. I was worried I was growing feelings for her and given our situation, I didn’t know what to make out of it. We were in a rather intricate and complex situation, and I worried that if I did acknowledge my feelings, I might create more problems for myself than there already were.