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Warning: Self Harm and Abuse
Kakashi couldn't even think straight after what Y/n had told him. Maybe Tsunade was right. Did I finally find the right person? Of course I did, I knew it when I first laid eyes upon her. She's finally going to understand why I am doing all this. Kakashi thought as he laid down on the bed. He looked over at Y/n who sat next to him and played with her bandages.
Kakashi looked down at his hands and started to pick at the loose skin around his finger nails. He took a deep breathe to ease his nerves.
"Hmmm.... well this is not too new to me. I guess we could start at the beginning. I will try to keep this short. My mother Raya Hatake, was from the Inuzuka clan. She met my father Sukamo Hatake. The met each other while on a mission and shortly fell in love. My mother dead shortly after my first birthday. I don't know much about what happened. But, my father told me she died protecting her comrades."
" My father was a wise and strong man. He was feared across the great nations earning the title the White Fang. Throughout my childhood he tried his best to take care of me but, life as a ninja is hard. My father was out most of the time and I was left to train on my own. I always idolized my father and wanted to be exactly like him. I always thought that if I could get strong enough I could join him on missions. But, that dream shortly came to an end. My father went back to save his friends during a mission and was later criticized by the village."
"Now thinking back it reminds me of my mother's story. Did she fall into a depression too? Just like my father? I always thought there was no possible way that both of my parents committed suicide. But, now thinking to where I am in my life it almost makes sense. Guess its genetics huh?"
Kakashi paused and tear drops slowly fell from the corner of his eye. Letting out a shaky breathe he continued on.
"After my father's death I despised him. I wanted to be someone who always followed the rules. So, thats what I did. I study my textbooks word for word until it was engraved into my mind. I didn't make many friends because of this. I would always say I didn't need people to bring me down. But, the truth is I worried that I would turn into my father. After graduating from the academy at the age of 6, I began completing D rank missions. I was so mad at myself, why was I so weak. I thought. I am not progressing enough. So I continued to push myself further."
"After a couple of years I was placed onto Team 7 under the leadership of Minato Namikaze. You may know him as the fourth hokage. My fellow teammates were Rin Nohara and Obito Uchiha. I tried pushing them away by making fun of them. but, it didn't seem to work. I started to grow attached to them. Only to loose Obito during a mission. If I didn't trip he would have made it out. In that same time he gifted me his left eye so, that I could protect Rin."
"I-I....I didn't keep my promise. When I went to go save Rin from your village. She committed suicide by jumping in front of my chidori. I earned the title as Friend Killer Kakashi. That moment haunts me till this day. I constantly hear her voice echoing through my mind. Screaming 'why, why did you do this?'"
Kakashi paused and grabbed his head. he peered over at Y/n's arm once more and wept.
"And now...yet again I hurt another person with the same jutsu. Everything slowly had gotten worse. I lost my sensei to the nine-tails attack and joined ANBU. In ANBU I became this person I didn't even recognize anymore. I was a killing machine and I heartless being....a monster. I went down a very dark road in my teen years. I lost site of what was important to me and ultimately trusted the wrong people. That's when I started..."
Kakashi felt his hand get squeezed which seemed to to take the edge off. He needed a constant reminder of what was 'real'. The feeling of comfort and safe in someone's arms.
"I started to cut myself (looks down at arm). It was the only thing that made me feel anything other then disgust. I hated the person I looked at in the mirror every morning. I had this feeling for a long time. Till, Tsunade-sama found my 'accidents' laid across my body. She pulled me out of ANBU and prescribed me an antidepressant. It only helped for a short while but, I ultimately fell into a deeper depression. I hated how the medicine made me feel. I went and talked to Tsunade-sama and she forced me back onto drugs. Until, one day she made me forget everything. Every detail about myself....my past."
Kakashi chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. Y/n watched him in outer shock as the grey haired male laughed it off like some sort of joke. Until something crucial popped into the (hair color) mind.
"How can you re-"
"Remember all of this now? Well, you see I don't need those drugs anymore now that I have you. You make me feel better than any drug would. Because my lotus, you are my drug and I can't get enough of you."
