Pain Reliever

Disclosure

"Lonely" - Akon

So I had not found that short story, and maybe sometime soon I will. But I did find this... a while back I wrote it. I will guarantee you that it will be absolutely confusing, and bare with this.

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If he loved me... He would love me. He is alive. Whatever has happened with him within the interval he was gone: friendships, relationships, whatever it may be, all that matters is that he is alive. He's alive, and possibly healthy. I need to talk to him. If I don't, then I will live the rest of my life in mystery and misery. I just need to hear his voice for the last time and tell him to explain everything to me. He was there for me. Whether he was hurting me or was lying to me, he was still there for me.

I'm too anxious. This hurts so much. Breathing. Walking. Staying awake. I just want to be left alone for the rest of my life. I don't even know what to feel about this anymore. Everyone is telling me that I should forget about him; that he's not worth it. Well I can't stop thinking about him. Day after day, that's all I think about. It's just him. He's just always on my mind- and let me tell you, I did not go through all of this shit for nothing. I did not lie for the heck of it. I lied because I didn't want to get him in trouble, and I wanted to be able to still talk to him.

I tried my hardest with everything. I stayed up late to try and find the time to talk to him. I even said the three words that I am humiliated to bring up again. No, not humiliated because I don't mean it- humiliated because he can't truthfully say it back.

I woke up one morning, really early, crying, sobbing, praying, and begging God to keep him alive and healthy. I won't ask for anything else, just keep this man alive and healthy.

I would sulk over anything and everything. The trust from my parents has vanished, completely. The connection and empathy with my friends have vanished, completely. My own pity for myself has vanished, completely. No matter how many tries I put in, he still has lost his interest in me. He is alive, and that's all that makes up for it. But if he truly said that he loved me... He would love me.

But he doesn't.

He's lost his interest in me. And all that I went through was a waste of his and my time. He never talked to me again. He probably thought that if he didn't speak to me, ever, I would forget about him. Well his (probable) idea was false. Completely and utterly false.

Was he even telling the truth? Did he even like me from the start?- and I'm not saying love, I mean, if he even cared about me.

Call me obsessed. Call me weird. Call all of this creepy. Call me whatever the hell you want, I couldn't care less, anymore. I tried to stay strong, but no matter what act of kindness I put in, it's never enough. I am never enough. Debate about it, just to make me feel better, but the only person to truly change my mind about it, is him. And he proved exactly my point. That if he honestly loved me... He would love me. But he doesn't. And who cares. At least he's alive. That is all that I am thankful for.