ATARAXIA • BELLAMY BLAKE

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Clarke, Bellamy and Raven have brought a team with them out to the crash site in search of answers as to what had caused the Exudos ship to crash.

Clarke had offered me to join but I declined. I'm not ready. She, however, has been much more put together than myself. She went with the others even though she lost her mother too. I just can't shake the thought of possibly finding Jaime's burned corpse if I went, even though I know I wouldn't. There'd be no remains of a single passenger after those explosions. But the thought alone is enough to keep me here.

The others left this morning. I stayed back and have spent pretty much the entire day in my tent being babied by Octavia, even though I told her not to. I just wanted to be alone for a few hours to try and work through my emotions, but I guess that was too big an ask. Especially when you're lucky enough to have someone as caring as Octavia by your side.

While I spent the entire day on the constant verge of tears, Octavia tried to cheer me up by telling me all about her new Grounder boyfriend—which I'm still getting used to the thought of. His name is Lincoln, and although I was a little wary that he looks quite a bit older than Octavia's seventeen, he sounds like a good person; especially when knowing how he protected Octavia even before they got together. And it really can't hurt to have a Grounder partly on our side, but that still won't stop me from keeping an eye on him just in case this is all a ruse for him to compromise us.

I'm sitting in the darkness on a log by the usual fire pit to catch a moment alone while Octavia is sorting some things out in the drop ship for when the others return. I'm expecting that to be fairly soon, but I can't help but worry about what has prevented them from getting back before dark like planned. Since the incident on the bridge, we've known that it's only a matter of time before the Grounders retaliate, and it has us all on edge.

Jasper is sitting with a group of people including Harper, telling them about what happened on the bridge. He has added a few points to sound cooler, but I don't correct him.

All I can think about right now is Jaime. He deserved so much better than what he got. He was there for me during such a hard time in my life. He did everything for me without ever asking for anything in return. He was coming to the ground to help us all. To help me.

I have no idea what went wrong for the ship to crash like it did. We still haven't made any contact with the Ark since Unity day when the radio cut out. But whatever had gone wrong—whatever mistake that had lead to the crash—had taken Jaime from me. It cost me a dearly treasured friendship. The only thing that's left for me to do now is hope that he went quickly. That's all I cling to.

Monty sitting down next to me brings me out of my thoughts. He pauses when he sees me and I quickly wipe away my tears with a sniffle. He wordlessly scoots a bit closer to me on the log so that our legs touch. This brings me just enough consolation without feeling suffocated from his comforting.

"Fear's only a problem if you let it stop you," Jasper tells Harper a few feet away from us in a confident manner — a manner in which I have never heard him speak in before.

"And that's Finn's line," Monty chuckles next to me, giving my leg a careful pat to lift my spirits. "The boy is a folk hero. They even gave us a bigger tent."

"Is that so?" I say, just barely humoring his attempt to change the subject.

Jasper continues, "When I saw the Grounders in the trees it was like nothing I ever felt. You know, pure animal instinct took over. One pull on the trigger, two Grounders dead."

I watch as Harper looks at Jasper with admiration. "You don't really know what you're made of until a moment like that when it's kill or be killed. When there is just nothing between you and the tip of a spear."