↱FORBIDDEN COLORS↲ ⇾seongjoong⇽

mask

[ i should have included this in my prologue but i did not, but hongjoong is older than seonghwa in this fic! my apologies for forgetting to include that ]

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Seonghwa couldn't keep the waver from his own breathing.

This was ridiculous.

He couldn't believe he was doing this, that he'd actually considered it enough that he was getting ready to do what could easily equate to one of the – if not the – most reckless decisions of his natural-born existence.

The possibility had lingered in the back of his mind for months now, and it was time.

He had to remind himself that it was inevitable at this point.

Inevitable and he shouldn't be nervous because he couldn't be more careful if he tried.

Still, as Seonghwa applied a loose veil of makeup over his face, styling up his hair and checking for the hundredth time that the simple outfit he'd literally just purchased an hour ago (a white t-shirt and tight black pants) looked good, Seonghwa couldn't help but consider maybe walking out of the bathroom and heading to San's room rather than the front door of their apartment.

Go to San and just come clean about all of it.

Every last detail of every single thing that had served to torment Seonghwa for years.

San would know what to do.

San, even though he was usually hyperactive, was actually quite sensible and grounded.

And, more importantly, San would probably talk him out of this.

He'd probably crack some of his 'high and mighty wisdom' and say the things Seonghwa already knew like it was his first time and that should be special.

Or that this was still risky and he could get caught.

Or that hooking up with strangers wasn't safe.

You know... those typical pills of wisdom that Seonghwa was choosing to ignore.

But the prospect of going to San's room only to announce that, which he'd kept so closely hidden, only made his already present anxiety spike.

And, no.

Seonghwa wasn't ready for that.

He couldn't do that.

Because San was accepting, yeah.

But it was easy to look at a group of their fans and say that they were okay with that lifestyle.

It would be a lot harder to live with someone who was on their path to self discovery.

It is so much worse to have your career depend on never coming out.

Because, god, if Seonghwa messed up, he could hurt all of Ateez, couldn't he?

He could destroy everything.