Love, Aristotle

chapter 29

Aristotle

Every time I passed by that road, I thought back to that night. The night everything changed, the night I had the chance to keep my mouth shut and fall silently or drag him down with me. The night he could've broken my heart.

But no, it was the night he told me he loved me. Ironically on a Wednesday, my favourite day of the week. Mainly because well, the one and only Wednesday Adams.

He kissed me as it poured.

Staring out of the window, my heart sank, my daydream slipped out of my grasp and reality hit me.

A storm raged on out there, harsh raindrops hit the window as my mom drove down the streets, through the city.

I just wanted to go home. But it wasn't home. He was my home but I couldn't go back. The house was haunted, lingering with ghosts and faded moments.

Today was Wednesday, my second Wednesday without him. I couldn't shake off the voices in my head. Nor could I stop the memories flooding in like a tsunami, taunting me.

But I sat there anyway, with the ghost of him begging me to take it all back. I sat there, heartbroken and shattered. Thinking of everything.

I walked away and it should've made me feel free. Free from the truth. Because he didn't love me anymore. I didn't want to believe it but the signs were all there. All the times he left, all the times he said he was busy, what was I supposed to think?

Brynn. The girl from the party. It must be her. I was sure of it. I mean, he didn't exactly deny it and I still didn't want to believe it, despite what the voices were saying.

I hated being this way. I was weak, naive, stupid. A fool for thinking we could have forever. A fool for thinking he wanted me.

But he was done with me, I could feel it. The first time it happened, I didn't listen to myself. The second time, I forgave him. The third, the fourth and all the times leading to now, it was too late.

He must've felt bad for me. The girl who was hopelessly in love with him. The girl who's still hopelessly in love with him. The girl who will love him forever.

I just wanted it to all go away. My mind was never at peace, my body numb, my soul shattered and my heart completely destroyed. I wasn't the same, just like he said. I was changing and he got bored.

I was being too much. But never enough.

I wished I could've been different. Maybe then he wouldn't have gotten tired of me. I talked too much, I felt too much, I loved too much and I was so blinded by it all.

Briefly, I wondered about what he might be doing right now. Was he sad? Heartbroken? Angry? Relieved? I was doing this for him after all and I'd always put him before me. So I hoped somehow he was happy.

Then I thought about her and instantly felt my heart break all over again. Well aware that I was doing this to myself, I basically set myself up but that's besides the point. It's what's best for both of us. And in a way, I was finally doing something for myself too. That's a first.

I wondered if he was with her now. Finally being able to do it without feeling guilty. That thought was followed by many other contradicting ones that defended him. It was endless.

Perhaps I was wrong. That, I hoped. Maybe someday, I could get him back. Maybe someday, I could be enough.

Hell, it's only been a bit more than two weeks and I was losing my mind. Without him, I wasn't sure what the reason was. Every morning, I looked forward to seeing him. Every day, I thought of him endlessly. Every night, I went to bed and dreamt of him. Sometimes, lying in his arms. And others, wishing I was.