Ayanokoji learning to be human

Feelings arise

Ayanokoji was 6 when he first noticed his lack of interest in human relationships. 

It was something he had brushed off. Something he had kept in the back of his mind to think about later. He didn't understand the "crushes" the characters in the book he read during the limited free time the remaining children had in the faculty, and neither did he understand its point. He didn't care for it in fact.

But, he could get it off his mind. In the end he'd decided It seemed... dangerous and unhealthy in all honestly.

Why would someone devote themselves to another person so...willingly, when it was unclear if was going to work out in the end? He didn't understand that risk, it seemed destructive for both parties. He couldn't place himself in the main characters of his books situations.

It was... an unbelievable story. If you truly devoted yourself to one person so fast...it would lose its meaning.

It was a destructive cycle he had decided on in the end as he got ready for the scheduled resting period. He had slept and pushed the thoughts away. Believing it had been solved.

-~-~

It wasn't until 9 years later did he witness the matter firsthand, even if it was short-lived, and....not what he originally expecting it to go. He understood the concept of someone dismissing, or rejecting the other party's feelings. There was always a yes or no option in every decision, a good and a bad so to speak.

He understood the concept of sadness afterward as well. The feeling of having your feelings rejected. Of not getting what you dreamed of.

But...Yamauchi didn't show any sort of sadness to Sakura's rejection. He had simply laughed and brushed it off, seeming to forget about it. It may have been shock at being rejected so fast and embarrassment settled where his devotion laid before it drained away.

but, how had his devotion melted away so fast?

It was...entertaining to watch Yamauchi move on. Watching the cycle repeat. Even if it left a foreign feeling in his chest. A sense of longing almost.

-~-~

A few months later he thought about it again as he got ready for bed. The story he read that is, not Yamauchi's constant changing devotion to other girls. There was no hope for that boy in that aspect. A sence of deja vu washing over him almost as he settled in and thought.

If he, Ayanokoji kiyotaka, had been raised somewhere else, had a different upbringing, would he feel what Yamauchi had felt towards Sakura?

He should feel something for someone shouldn't he? So why doesn't he feel any attraction to anyone here? There we so many people surrounding him but he doesn't feel anything for them. No attraction or sense of connection.

He knows what Hirata and Karuizawa had was fake and people believed it full hearty...so should he pretend as well?

His whole point, ideal, of leaving that wretched place was to feel something. So why wasn't he feeling anything?

Had that place completely destroyed that
aspect of himself?

Had he pushed it so far away for his desperate wish for survival?

Had he broken himself just to survive...?

Was it worth it to survive in that place...?

He went to sleep that night with a gripping feeling in his chest. Something he couldn't identify no matter how hard he tried to.

-~-~

He awoke dazed to his room's doorbell. Something he wasn't used to. It wasn't the alarms the faculty used. It was...softer, homer, and peaceful instead of the blasting alarm he was used to.

He looked over at his alarm clock on his bedside table. The bright numbers 9:47 was stared back at him. It was...late?

He had...slept in?

But...that wasn't right. He was programmed to wake before sunrise. So, how had he managed to sleep in? The ringing kept on as he stared.

It might of as well been a single note from all the relative pressing of the person on the other side. It was...agitating to put it simply.

"One moment please." He called out as he swung his legs out from under his covers. He swayed slightly as he got to his feet.

The ringing had stopped thankfully but not for long. As he moved down to make his bed it had started again. Seemingly the person felt he wasn't being fast enough at meeting their demands. His hands gripped the corner of his duvet as he tried to make it as it was programmed to be despite the ringing distraction.

Tch, this is going to be an annoying weekend, he can already feel it.

He made haste flatting out the crinkles on the top of the duvet. It wasn't perfect, and it was annoying him. He needs to take his time but the ringing was twisting him out of it.

"One moment please!" He called out louder, more irritated then he expected it to be. Yet, Maybe whoever was at the other side of the door would take the hint to wait from it. That he was busy with something and couldn't come right away.

The ringing paused once more. And a few seconds went by in silence. It was relieving. He didn't know how much longer he could listen to that sickening doorbell.

He quickly smoothed out the wrinkles once more, straightened out the pillow that sat at the top of the bed, then moving to click at a few buttons on his bedside alarm. No hinted were found for his oversleeping, which annoyed him non the less.

Now....who had decided they were superior them everyone else at...10 in the morning?

Slightly flatting out his bedhead he walked the short distance to his door. He squinted through the hole at the top of this door and decided, today wasn't gonna be a good day.

Sighing as he slide the top lock on his door and unlocked the door handle, he leaned against the door frame as he stared at the impatient brat on the other side. Door not fully opened to the person on the other side they stared at each other.

"Yes?" he crocked slightly, maintaining eye contact with the woman in front of him. He should of drank a glass of water before he'd opened the door, but he felt his impatient guest wouldn't of liked waiting any longer.

"You take forever to answer your door." Was the court reply he got in turn to his greeting.

He simply hummed in reply. It was awful bright outside. This needs to be warped up quickly to save his poor eyesight.

"I believe the next special exam is expected to be less extreme after the sports festival. It'll most likely be that of-" she started, walking towards to short distance and giving him a pinched annoyed eyebrow look when the door wasn't opened at her closing distance.

Both stared at each other for a while before he flexed his fingers on the door. The satisfying pop he got was worth the glare he got. It was too early to be dealing with this entitled brat in front of him.

"I agree, it'll be less...eventful than the cruise ship exams but it'll be nonetheless difficult. The teaching has been even more faster pace so I believe it will academic wise." He trailed of at the woman's short speech given. His eyes had adjusted slightly at the blazing light of the sun, and he deeply wished it hadn't.

"I have things to do Horikita so please, go have lunch by yourself and leave me be for this weekend." He breathed out after the silence he had gotten at for his previous observation.

Not waiting for the woman's response he closed the door and slide the locks back in place with slightly more force than necessary.

-~-~

Emotions and feelings are something he is unfamiliar with, but there are a few he knows.

Angry and agitation seem to rise the most when he is with Horikita Suzune.

-~-~