Say It Out Loud | A Knight's Letters for His Liege

D-1

Log 1,

I'm quite nervous.

This is the first time I've ever written something regarding my feelings.

He said I needed to do other than helping or training others. I don't know why, but I can never seem to deny such words from him. So, I asked Rosalyn for something to do besides training, she said, "Try writing-I do not know if you like to, but it would be great as a way to express yourself."

Well, I've gotten better in literature but I suck at certain points. I supposed all of those lessons he gave me, became as worth it as he is. After all, he is better than me in writing or words despite his reluctance and persistence.

I wish he would stop it. He keeps on lowering his own abilities, it makes me feel frustrated and sad. He who's like the sun, he's close yet feels so far away.

I keep on thinking about what would've been if he hadn't helped me in that dumb alleyway. I wonder if he never saw me at all, I wonder if that day-the day he threw that pouch at me, did he perhaps thought of sending me far away? I would've not noticed if I had not seen how he gave that pouch to Raon the first time they met.

I wonder what would've been if I was not at his side all the time, I wonder if it keeps on going like that. Would he ask of me? Would he go to the training grounds to see me? Maybe the village? Would he look at all?

Perhaps-I'm just fooling myself over and over again. I see him in a way he would never do, maybe, I can wish but he probably only sees me as a family member. After all, he is my home and family. It won't be surprising if he does actually.

It's happening again. The aching feeling in my chest always happen when I think of those. I don't think I'll be able to be away from him. I don't even think I can survive.

I need him or I'll break, for sure.

***